Motherhood and Cancer

Getting Better

2012-01-28T23:01:00.000-05:00

My breathing is getting better. Still not back to what it was, but better. I neglcted to say in the last post that both the radiologist and my oncologist said the shortness of breath was probably caused by inflammation. Which is good, because inflammation heals.

Pancakes Together

2012-01-26T15:47:00.000-05:00

My darling son and I made pancakes for breakfast this morning. It was all his doing! No, really!

He requested the pancakes. He told me which cookbook he wanted to use. He whisked the egg, poured in the buttermilk, whisked them together, gently stirred while I carefully poured in the melted butter. He sifted the (white and whole wheat) flour, baking powder, sugar, and salt together. He told me when the pan was ready for the batter. He carefully placed the blueberries in the pancakes while they were cooking. He hungrily and appreciatively ate 4 of them. Next time I am going to let him try cracking the egg again.

I love making pancakes together.

Breathing is Fun

2012-01-25T16:02:00.002-05:00

Since the RFA, I have been much more out of breath than before. Ever since my first thoracotomy back in September 2007, I have been more prone to panting than normal people, and this tendency to pant has only become more noticeable as I have undergone more surgeries and procedures that reduced my lung capacity. Of course, the big cancerous tumor growing in my lung before the thoracotomy did not help my breathing either, so it has been a long time since I have been able to breathe normally. I sometimes wonder when was the last time I did breathe normally.

I had been warned that the RFA could result in a pneumothorax, but did not think I had one. However, as the days wore on and my ability to breathe did not seem to be improving (and also my sweet MIL encouraged me to call), I decided to call the doctor. I ended up having to go get a chest x-ray and thank goodness there is no pneumothorax. However, it does seem that I am having a harder time/taking a longer time than other patients to recover this time. (And thank goodness I could find a radiology place that allowed me to bring Captain Adorable, because that made it so very much easier for me to get the thing done.)

Again I wonder how many more times I can sacrifice a bit of lung. What is my lung capacity? Do I want to know--are there negative implications (oh, you've got plenty more capacity, let's cut out some more!) to knowing? I saw an old man walking along carrying an oxygen tank yesterday and I worry that is my own future. I really enjoy breathing. I really enjoy moving my body and experiencing the world as a physical being. I don't want to be limited by a lack of lung capacity. Being out of breath is no fun and can get frightening quickly. While snorkeling in Hawaii (ah, what a fun trip) a few years ago, I became very out of breath and tired and was pretty scared. I don't like that drowning feeling. How many times can I come back from one of these procedures? How many times can I recover? Of course I will always keep fighting and pushing and healing, but oh, right this minute I am feeling tired. Tired looking back on the many times I've had to get up when I wanted to lie down, and tired looking ahead to the many more times I will have to push myself to get my base line lung capacity back again. And tired knowing that it will never get better than it was before this RFA.

Oncologist called to follow up today (left him messages about what was going on yesterday). Next appointment is Feb 3. We're going to perhaps schedule another CT scan soon, before the 3 month mark indicated to follow up on the RFA, to check if there is anything else growing. I really hope there is nothing to see.

Needle In My Chest

2012-01-17T16:15:00.002-05:00

Today I emailed the radiologist who performed the RFA and asked him two questions:

1) There are 3 incisions. Is this because other instruments had to be inserted to stabilize my lung? Or some other reason? 2) Do you have any cool images of the RFA? I'd love to see a couple if you have time to find one for me.

He answered:

There are 3 incisions because your tumor moved around and we had to use two separate needle systems. Please find images attached.

I edited the photos to remove my name and identifying numbers, but here they are, for your viewing pleasure. (If you click on them, you will see a larger version, as with all images on this blog.) That's a needle in my chest! The lesion is located on the left of the heart as I stand, so these images are taken from my feet, looking up through my body.

The lesion is marked with a size indication here.

The needle going into the lesion (crazy how you can see it all the way through my body like that!)
You can also see how close it is to my heart here.

Below is an image I took of myself (with my beloved phone) which shows the incisions. After seeing me in pain and gently stroking the spot where the incisions are located on my chest, Captain Adorable gave me a kiss there to make it feel better (what a sweet surprise). He asked, "Why is your lung in your boobie?" I thought that was funny, (but logical, as you may be able to see from the photo) but explained that the lung is under/behind, not in, the boobie. :)

I have noticed much more panting since the RFA. I hope that this too will fade with time. I dislike being out of breath.

No Yeast (Fungal) Infection!!

2012-01-14T09:58:00.001-05:00

On the stretcher just outside the CT room. Ready to get this done!

As you know if you've been reading this blog for while, I develop a yeast infection on my skin at the surgical site every single time I have a surgical procedure. I even have to make sure to ask for a prescription before the surgery because I know it will happen. (I am allergic to miconazole, which is the yeast infection medicine you can buy over the counter, so I have to get a prescription).

This time, as I mentioned this to the nurse before going in to the procedure room, she asked why I get the infection. I told her that I think it is from the cleaning solution used to prep for surgery. After some discussion, she said that she thinks it is a reaction to the self-contained surgical scrub tool which contains chlorhexidine and asked if I had the same reaction to betadine. I had a couple of surgeries as a teenager, before doctors started using chlorhexidine and never had a fungal infection after one of those. She suggested that we ask the doctor if we can use betadine this time. He agreed and guess what?!?! No Yeast Infection!

So, I read up a little on chlorhexidine and it is somewhat scary sounding. So much of what I end up getting on me or in me sounds scary, though...but anyhow, the thing that sounds most scary to me is this article in which JHH recommends bathing in the stuff! (Read it to understand who and why.) It is also used, as chlorhexidine gluconate, as a mouth wash. It is recognized that it is not effective against fungal infections. Therefore I think that my hypothesis is correct--I think that the chlorhexidine kills all the good bugs but leaves the bad bugs, which then grow without check on my skin.

Thank you to that wonderful nurse for figuring this out for me. I will ask for betadine instead of chlorhexidine for every subsequent surgery from now on. I will be thinking of her every single time.

Another Day

2012-01-12T09:53:00.000-05:00

Ended up vomiting a few times last night, so I decided to take some Zofran. I hate the side effects of Zofran, but I just had to stop puking. Then I slept and slept and slept. The whole family slept till 9 this morning! Felt good. My chest is sore (I think my lung itself feels sore) and I plan to take it very easy at home today. (My neck is now hurting for the 6th day in a row. I think it gets worse at night.) The most exciting thing I have planned for today is a shower.

Posting From My Very Own Bed

2012-01-11T16:00:00.000-05:00

So happy to share that everything went well and I am at he in my very own bed. I asked the doctor for an image to share with you and I think he liked the idea--told me to email h and he'd have something for me. More later. Purring cat and pillow are ganging up on me.

RFA Tomorrow (Wednesday, January 11)

2012-01-10T22:38:00.002-05:00

Today I planned to take Capt. Adorable ice skating. Got all dressed and ready and drove there, only to confront a closed gate at the entrance. Of Course! The park is closed on Tuesdays. Boohoo. We were both disappointed.

So, instead we visited a local wild bird food store, went to the library to pick up some books about microscopes and making slides that I had reserved a few days ago, then stopped at the grocery store, and then home. On the way here and there we talked about things ranging from how radio waves are different from sound waves, to letter sounds, to several what-if type questions about the procedure tomorrow. Once home, the discussion got a little more intense and we did cry together a little. I told him that it is normal to worry and that he can always talk to me and Daddy about this. I told him that the doctors are well educated and experienced and that they will be able to make good decisions no matter what happens, even if it is something they do not expect.

Later, we discussion letter sounds some more, and I suggested he write the word "poop" on his chalk board. First he wrote PEP, then when I told him the sound an E makes, he wrote PUP, and then I told him the "oo" sound in "poop" is made with 2 o's. So, he wrote POOP. Then we talked about the word fart. He was able to write FART with some coaching, but no answers, from me. I was so proud. ;) Then he pointed out that dart sounds like fart and we discussed how it would be spelled (he did not want to write it, but did spell it aloud).

A visit to the post office to mail thank-you notes, some driving around the neighborhood, a visit with a friend (and her 2 kids), and then home to cook dinner, where I ran out of steam. We ended up going out to eat and walked over to the bookstore afterwards. It was nice.

Everything is packed for Capt. Adorable's day (and potentially, his night) tomorrow. Now I'm off to shower and bed.

Captain Obvious may update this blog with news of the procedure tomorrow, or maybe I will. Arrival time is 7:00 am and the RFA is scheduled for 9:00. I was told on the phone that there are 2 reasons for me to stay overnight: 1) if I vomit too much and 2) I must be able to walk. So, the goal is no puking (and accept the anti-nausea meds offered, despite the knowledge that they will cause constipation) and walk walk walk so I can go home home home.

Happy Birthday to Captain Adorable!

2012-01-09T12:09:00.000-05:00

Captain Adorable turned 5 on Friday. We had a weekend of fun with family and friends to celebrate. I am so proud of him and I love him so deeply; there is no joy like the joy of my child. There is nothing I would rather celebrate than him. So happy to share the celebration with so many wonderful people!

My next RFA is on Wednesday. I am hoping to go home but planning for spending the night. So thankful to the friends who are helping our family by taking care of him. Knowing that my son is happy, comfortable, and safe allows me to relax without worry. Goodness knows I have enough worry about.

The idea of myself lying on a table unconscious with a breathing tube down my throat, with the anesthesia team shutting off my breathing freaks me out so much. I really didn't even want to write about it because it makes me super scared and brings up many questions that I do not want to think about since I might lose it if I do.

RFA Do-Over Scheduled

2012-01-03T13:16:00.000-05:00

The RFA with general anesthetic has been scheduled for January 11. I am (to my dismay) scheduled for admission....with a chance I could go home the same day...so yes, let's concentrate on the chance of going home...but also have to plan for staying. Thanks to sweet friends and neighbors, Captain Adorable will be in good hands on January 11, so that is all ok. I am sure we can figure out care for subsequent days if it comes to that as well. I just wish I didn't have to stay in the hospital alone (which is what will happen if I have to stay overnight, since Captain Obvious will have to go home to care for Capt. Adorable, thus leaving me to fend for myself). I have such bad memories of staying at JHH after my first thoracotomy...

I called NCI and have to gather a bunch of records since they have requested. Once the records have been reviewed, they will call me to schedule an appointment. They've got a Phase I trial I might be able to participate in, but that is probably not what I want to do. The issue, of course, as always, is that in my case there is no standard of care because my cancer is non-standard. No one really knows the answer...

RFA Rescheduled

2011-12-24T12:17:00.000-05:00

The radiofrequency ablation (RFA) I was supposed to have yesterday has to be rescheduled.

I arrived at JHH at 6:45 am. By 9:00 am I was lying on the table of a CT machine and a nurse was sticking (very cold) grounding pads on my thighs. Then some sedative was put into my IV line and I faded into a warm dreamy place...then the doctor (a radiologist) gave me a shot (which I did not feel) in my chest area and started to give me breathing directions. It seemed as though he wanted me to hold my breath for longer and longer and longer. It was very hard for me to hold my breath so long. He asked me to do it again and again. Finally, he said that we would have to stop the RFA and reschedule. The lesion is in a place where my lung expands and contracts a lot with each breath I take, and it moves around "like a marble in jello." He showed me the images on the screen (remember, this procedure is CT guided, so I am in a CT machine with images being taken the whole time). It is also quite close to my heart. He felt it would be dangerous to insert the needle without greater control of my breathing, so we're going to try again, only this time with me under general anesthesia. Sometime in early January.

I was happy about this, as of course I want the doctor to do what is safest, and I was rather impressed with how very close the lesion is to my heart and goodness knows I don't want that needle in my heart, but I was also a little disappointed and a little worried about having to do this all again.

In the recovery room, my heart rate was so low (I was awake and fine, just lying still, under the effect of the sedation and really sleepy) that the heart rate monitor alarm went off! Obviously the walks I have been taking have made my heart very efficient. Good to hear at least one part of my body is functioning the way it is supposed to! (I have recently been thinking a lot about my lungs and how much I like breathing...)

Got home, napped for a few hours, then tried to rally and join my Captains for an early dinner at my favorite restaurant. I threw it all up when we got home and went to bed soon after that. This morning when I got out of the shower I noticed that I am developing a fungal (yeast) infection on the area of my chest which was cleaned to prep for the needle insertion: all over my breast and upper chest. Good thing I insisted on getting the prescription written at the hospital before I left (I am allergic to the over-the-counter yeast infection medicine). And here's something weird--because the needle has to go in sideways (last time it went in from directly above), it will go through my breast. Which kind of weirds me out. Ick.

Anyhow, here's more information about RFAs if you are interested. It seems that RFA is not widely used for lung cancers at the moment, so this is a pretty cutting edge decision to use this one my cancer! :) Lucky me (and I am not being sarcastic when I say that)!

Radiofrequency Ablation of Cancer (article from NIH Public Access)
Radiofrequency Ablation (There is a video of an ultrasound guided liver ablation here. Only one needle is used for my RFA.)

Admission Ceremony

2011-12-13T12:24:00.001-05:00

I was admitted to the Maryland Bar today in an Admission Ceremony at the Court of Appeal. Captain Obvious and my mommy attended as well (the candidates are only allowed 2 guests each). It was pretty cool and I felt pretty happy. I looked good in my suit, too!

At the same time, the shadow cast by the nodule growing in my left lung almost obliterated the significance of the whole event.

Moving forward, moving back, moving forward, moving back, moving forward, moving back...........

I Don't Want To Have Cancer Anymore

2011-12-12T20:35:00.000-05:00

I have said the above phrase so many times during the last 4+ years...and it is still true today. I found myself saying it to Captain Obvious just this afternoon. I don't have any answers. The oncologist at JHH told me today that they are recommending RFA and not chemo. I am not sure this is the right answer (but God help me I so don't want to have chemo). I was getting super depressed and deflated with the idea of chemo. And then I got so happy with the idea that I wouldn't have it (the last RFA was so easy!) but my darling Capt Obvious still uses his brain and dammit he's right I should try to get another opinion from NCI.

What if this is the first flake in a snow storm?

What if it is just an outlyer?

How many more times can I do a cut-and-poison routine (aka surgery followed by chemo)? I'd like to live another 40 years. Can I have chemo 20 more times? (I doubt it.) How long can I make this work? I'm back to day one instead of day 700something (my cancer is more likely to reoccur within the first 2 years...here I am, at 2 years and it is back, therefore putting me back at day one).

Tomorrow is my Bar Admission Ceremony. So completely overshadowed; I do not much care. Feeling overwhelmingly that I made the wrong decision and should not have stolen the summer from Captain Adorable.

Buckling My Seatbelt

2011-12-09T20:10:00.000-05:00

I am finally home at the end of a long day and I do not have good news to share. I am in for another ride on the treatment train, folks. The CT scan today showed growth again.

The good news is, I have a very slow-growing cancer and the nodule that is growing is still quite small. The bad news is that it is growing. My oncologist, who was totally on the ball this time, has suggested (and I have agreed) to contact the same doctor who performed my RFA back in May 2009 (which successfully destroyed a nodule). He and his attending recommend chemotherapy after the RFA. He will talk to one more doctor, his supervisor, and I will hear from him on Monday and start this treatment very soon. Perhaps before the end of the year.

I have called Captain Obvious (who is on a plane home from California right now), my parents (I told them each separately), my sweet MIL, and I told my friend who was taking care of Captain Adorable. I hope the rest of you will not mind the update via blog because right now I want to eat dinner and do something fun with my son.

Here's a quote from the preliminary report:

9 mm lingular nodule, slightly increased in size and density since the prior study. Suspicious for disease progression. No new areas of involvement.

Results!

2011-11-07T17:02:00.001-05:00

Happy news! I passed the bar! I think my life just changed (again, haha). I am excited and happy and I don't know what to write!

Dwelling on Test Results

2011-09-26T10:27:00.000-04:00

You know when you really want some event or other to happen and you wish over and over again that the time for that event was NOW? I call that wishing the time away, because by while wishing for that one event to happen, for that time to arrive, you are not living here, in this moment. (It sounds so cliche, but) every moment is precious and valuable and wishing away any moment is a waste.

And yes, I have been wishing the time away lately. My stress level concerning the bar results is growing and growing. I am convinced that I failed because I can't possibly have passed. I sweep away the reassurances of my husband and family and plan for what I will do once I get the news that I failed. I can take it again in February, right? I still have all my study materials...maybe I should start reading law again, getting back to those flash cards. It feels like an engine revving higher and higher as I dwell on the topic. I wish and wish that it was November so I would know the answer.

Next CT scan is December 9. When I got the final report for the most recent scan, it said that there was a change (unlike the preliminary report, which had said there was no change). A very small change--only 2 mm--so it could be just a fluke of the machine. But it could be growth. The only way to really know is to have another CT scan. So, this next scan is important. And of course I am worried about the results, because I don't want to do treatment again, but at least we have options. We know how to deal with it, and the fact that Captain Adorable is in a preschool that he loves 3 mornings a week and there are two potential mother's helpers in the neighborhood who could come hang out with him while I nap, if needed, means that me being on chemo would be easier for everyone.

So, as you can tell, the results of these two test are very much on my mind. I am trying not to wish the time away...

Tears Before CT Scan

2011-08-19T21:01:00.001-04:00

Here's how the day works when I go in for my oncologist appointments and tests: first phlebotomy (blood), where I ask for a specific phlebotomist,s eeing as he is the only one who has never hurt or bruised me. I get him to put in an IV. Then upstairs for the CT scan. I have to drink two big glasses of some dye and then in the CT machine I am injected (through that IV) with another dye, to which I am allergic, so I have to premedicate with prednisone, a steriod. Then I have lunch (can't eat before the CT scan) and then I go meet the oncologist and get my results and go home. Of course there is a waiting room stay at every stop along the way.

Today I was feeling bad and scared (since yesterday already) and in the waiting room before phlembotomy, I broke down in tears. A nice woman got me some tissues (poor Captain Obvious was clueless and had no idea where to find tissues). I was able to collect myself.

Anyhow, he new oncologist did not impress me--more later on that subject. Right now I will just post the results: the preliminary results show no change! Yippee! All that work I did this summer is still worth it.

Summer Milestones

2011-08-18T22:35:00.002-04:00

Captain Adorable hit two big milestones this summer.

1) He learned how to swim. He is learning the crawl and is attempting to swim on his back these days. I had heard reports about this from Captain Obvious, but when bar study was over and I saw it for myself, I was really surprised! The kid can really swim!

2) He rides a pedal bike with no training wheels. I knew he could do this for months already, but he did not believe. We tried in the spring and I thought he was ready then, but he requested that the training wheels go back on. Then one day (a couple of weeks ago) he had heard me tell other people that I thought he could ride without training wheels. The next day he asked that we take the training wheels off and after one big frustration he rode it without problems. The training wheels will never go back on again. He goes faster than ever, but has developed a new respect for steep hills (which is fine with me), as he is still learning to use the brakes instead of his feet. He has even declared that he likes his pedal bike better than his Strider, so we've loaned it to a little boy across the street.

Tomorrow I have a CT scan. Will post results of course.

Up the Mast

2011-08-13T17:20:00.001-04:00

Me at the top of the mast in the bosun's chair and Captain Adorable gazing up at me from the base of the mast. There were people watching me the whole time I was up there and, to my surprise, they applauded when I came down!

Celebrated on The Water

2011-07-28T00:51:00.002-04:00

It was a long day. The exam is (and I know all exam takers of exams everywhere say this but) extremely hard. In fact, in the history of the Multistate Bar Exam (created in 1988), no one has ever achieved a perfect score. That includes people who teach the bar exam professionally, and have taken it over and over again. NO ONE has ever scored a perfect 200/200 (the highest score I know of was a 189). The exam is designed to be super hard. The answers are often all right, but one is more right. Sometimes the answers given are so close that the bar examiners end up having to credit two choices.

It is difficult to maintain the required focus when each question requires your COMPLETE ATTENTION for 200 questions over 6 hours. Of course, some are easier and some are harder. Lots of them require you to know (and apply ruthlessly, relentlessly) rules of prevailing common law (which sometimes contradict the law you have carefully learned for your jurisdiction...like the contrasting concepts of comparative negligence--majority view--and contributory negligence--minority view but used in my state, so I had to learn it for the essay portion anyhow) and statute that the majority uses (like Article 2 of the UCC, which covers the sale of goods). The fact patterns are designed to be confusing and often, to tug on the emotions of the test-takers. Sometimes the questions force you to give the reason one party wins when you know very well that there is no way that party would win in the real world. Sometimes the facts make you want very much to select the fair answer but of course the fair answer is wrong.

When I emerged from the test this afternoon I was extremely happy to see my son, who walked me to where my dear Captain Obvious was sitting under a tree, on the phone of course. I then sat in his lap (while he was writing work email on his phone, so supportive, ha) and cried for a for a few minutes.

Anyhow, I won't know my result for months.

For the rest few days post-bar prep period I plan to do a whole bunch of nothing. Just spend time with my beloved captains. Tonight we went sailing and that was lovely.

One Half (or Two Thirds) Done

2011-07-26T21:39:00.000-04:00

Day one of the exam is over.

I woke up at 5:00 this morning (the alarm was set for 6:56) and I could not go back to sleep, despite lying quietly with my eyes closed in the dark for an hour.

Wrote the essay portion of the exam all day today. Going back tomorrow for another 6 hours of testing; this time it will be death by machine gun (aka multiple choice).

You might think I am halfway done, but if you think about it another way I am two thirds done because the essay is 400 of the 600 available points (so therefore I have completed 2/3 of the exam).

In case you were wondering, one needs a grade of 406/600 to pass.

Last Push

2011-07-22T21:11:00.004-04:00

My beloved captains left this afternoon and won't be back till tomorrow evening to give me One Last Undisturbed Study Push. I studied from 10 am till 8 pm today, with approximately 1 hour and 30 minutes in breaks. I decided to stop because my brain is tired and I do not want to completly exhaust myself today since I have tomorrow to study undisturbed as well.

Blood, sweat, and tears have gone into these preparations (and not just mine): I have suffered paper cuts, ink stains on my fingers, and have sweated over a hot laptop with a hot desk lamp for hours and hours. (As Captain Obvious says, with a big fake-sad face, "Oh, the injuries of lawyers.") On a more serious note, I have cried from frustration and exhaustion. I have written and studied almost a thousand flash cards. I've attended weeks worth of classes, written dozens of practice state-law specific essays, written hours of practice practical tests (MPTs), and answered hundreds of multiple choice questions (MBEs). And of course I've spent hours debriefing them all.

I have asked for a lot and received even more support from so many people in my life. My darling brave boy has had a tough summer, going 10 weeks with little-to-no mama, much to his sorrow (last night at dinner he was resting his head on my lap, telling me he had never wanted me to study so much). My super supportive husband has listened to interminable lectures on law as I learn it and complaints about the demands of the exams. My parents hosted and cared for my child for 2 weeks (though I am pretty sure they were happy to undertake that task) and of course supported me. My dear friends have obliged me with opportunity for periodic much-needed non-study, non-exam-related interaction and have helped me by taking care of my little guy now and then.

Tomorrow is Saturday. I will completely immerse myself in study from the time I get up till my captains come home. My bar prep course recommends that I take Sunday completely off and limit myself to three hours of study on Monday (that will be hard). I sit for the exam on Tuesday and Wednesday. I have been working hard for weeks to prepare for this exam. I have poured time and effort into this. Of course there is always the worry that my performance, despite all my preparations, will not measure up. But I often feel confident, too. My plan is to pass this time! Goodness knows I'm working as hard as I can to achieve that...

Cancer Is Always With Me

2011-07-11T09:26:00.003-04:00

I recently had a conversation with my oncologist in which she confirmed that, for many excellent reasons, I will never have another pregnancy. In fact, it would be a bad idea to even try. She seemed surprised that I am still cycling as chemo often brings on early menopause. She also said that although so little is known about my cancer, there is a high chance for reoccurance but they have no way of predicting what my chances are. So, I was reading about CUP online the other night, trying to see if there was any new information out there and I found this article (from NCI) that freaked me out a little. The pertinent paragraph was this one:

The prognosis for patients with CUP is poor. As a group, the median survival is approximately 3 to 4 months with less than 25% and 10% of patients alive at 1 and 5 years, respectively. CUP is represented by a heterogeneous group of diseases all of which have presented with metastasis as the primary manifestation. Although the majority of diseases are relatively refractory to systemic treatments, certain clinical presentations of CUP carry a much better prognosis. In each instance, distinct clinical and pathologic details require consideration for appropriate, potentially curative, management.

It has been almost 4 years since my initial diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer. I am alive. Why? I am really happy and really lucky to be alive. Wow, I have such a small chance of being here now and yet, here I am. I guess I am in that weird class of "certain clinical presentations" which "carry a much better prognosis" ...or???? Every moment is precious.

On another, but related note, this summer is different than any other summer I've shared with you so far because I am very busy...busy doing what, you ask...well, I guess, reluctantly, I will tell.

I am studying to take the Bar Exam. Yes, my second shot. Last time I did this was the summer of 2007. My son was a little baby and I was (unbeknowst to me at the time) full of cancer. Here I am now, with a 4 year old boy and in remission (till the next CT scan, anyway). A very different experience.

Studying for the bar is all-consuming. I dream about it every night. Sometimes I even wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about The Exam or The Character Interview or Whatever. I am always studying or attending class or doing a practice test. I never feel like it is enough. Some days I am convinced I will pass and some days I know I will fail. StressFul.

I didn't want to tell you about it because I wanted to avoid potential shame resulting from not passing and having to tell you that I failed, again, only with no good excuse this time. However, the reason I am sharing now is because something really ironic happened on Thursday and I thought you blog readers would appreciate it in a way others who don't know my whole story would not.

I received two letters. One was from the State Board of Law Examiners--it was my seat assignment. A big, fat envelope full of official papers and instructions. The other was from JHH; it was a thin envelope, containing one sheet of paper, confirming my next CT scan appointment. It feels a little like the last time I studied for the exam--the fear of the exam, the fear of the doctor's appointment. Impending doom. Or does it? This summer I am so much better prepared for the exam and I feel so much more confident about my health.

But there are echos from that summer 4 years ago. I feel buoyant--bobbing up, dropping down, bobbing up...well you get the idea (always hopeful and always prepared to bob back up). :) Mostly I try to keep uppermost in my mind how beautiful the world is and how I love my captains, my family, and my friends. (Sometimes I sink down a bit, though, and then I just bob back up with the next wave.)

I sit for the Bar Exam on July 26 and 27. The CT scan is August 19. God help me with both!

OK, gotta go study. Bye for now.

Problem Solving

2011-06-14T14:26:00.000-04:00

Hey faithful (or not so faithful) blog readers! I know I haven't posted in forever...I've been busy. Busier than I've been for years. My family and I are figuring things out for ourselves. The captains are well. I am well. There are not enough hours in the day. There is beauty, magic, and wonder everywhere.

Spring Adventures

2011-04-26T21:43:00.001-04:00

Wonderful to be outside again. We like to eat outside on the screened-in porch, play in the sandbox, go to the playground, climb trees, plant plants, ride bikes, and go sailing. I got to go up in the bosun chair for the first time ever. Some of the activities listed above are pictured below. The last photo is of me in the bosun's chair, though!

What I Wanted To Hear!

2011-04-07T11:16:00.000-04:00

Had another CT scan yesterday. I have only the preliminary report so far, but it shows no new cancer! So, life moves on.

I've been thinking a lot about how incredibly blessed/lucky I am to have such an unusual cancer. How my weirdness, the oddity of my disease, and my access to lots of good, smart doctors and high tech medical equipment and facilities, has led to a balance between me and my cancer (which is also me, really). I never thought I'd make it to this point. I thought I'd be dead by now. In fact, I started out this blog questioning whether I should even start chemo because I didn't know if the pay off would be worth it in the end. And really, the only reason that it did pay off for me is because I am odd. I am one of a very small percentage of people who gets to live this story.

I am so astounded and amazed to be alive, to have the responsibility of the future back.

Not So Much Work

2011-04-03T21:13:00.000-04:00

Captain Obvious has been working very hard on the boat lately. In fact, he works on it every weekend. He has no choice--it has to go back in the water as soon as possible (because every extra day costs money of course). The good news is that once all this work is done, it does not have to get done again...for a while, anyhow...

Of course I love spending time with Captain Adorable, but he misses his time with daddy on the weekends. We know this, but today he made it very clear. The two of us went to the boat yard to drop off lunch and hang out for a little bit (admittedly, I really did not want to go--I am sick and was in the middle of getting the house ready for my parents' arrival). After lunch Capt. Obvious went back to painting so we took a little walk around the yard--I love looking at all the other boats around and Capt. Adorable just loves to explore!

We looked at several boats, including a MacGregor--a speed boat/sail boat hybrid--very interesting! We also saw a pretty little sailing dinghy and I pointed it out to my little Captain, saying that it was just the right size for him for when he is maybe 5 or 6. We walked over to look it at it and he remarked that it was a good boat because since it was not too big it would not need too much work, "just a little work and then ta-da, it is done!"

Backhanded Compliments

2011-04-01T20:42:00.000-04:00

OK, not really. The truth is Captain Adorable is just innocently honest and says what he thinks. Thank goodness what he has been saying is complimentary. Here are two recent ones.

I made french toast for his breakfast and after telling me how delicious it was, he offered me a bite. (Which I longed to indulge in but did not take since I knew if I had the bite I'd have a whole piece of my own!) I said, "no thank you." With a smile on his face, he asked, "if you eat it you will get fat again?"

We were driving home from preschool, talking about what we were going to do when we got home. The plan was to eat lunch and then paint the rudder. (That boat paint has to be applied outside and can only be put on when the temperature is at least 50, so the window of time was important. This was the only time Captain Obvious asked me to paint the boat, so far anyhow haha.) Captain Adorable was asking what I would wear--he loves wearing his work clothes or "paint clothes," and he's noticed I haven't got any. He told me I would have to wear "a pair of pants that is old and too big for you, like your grey pants." A sunburst-like swell of love for him surged through my heart at that moment!

My 4-year-old notices the change I've worked so hard for! :D

Finger Painter Extraordinaire!

2011-03-28T20:21:00.000-04:00

Things He Says

2011-03-16T21:44:00.000-04:00

This afternoon I was playing around with Captain Adorable. We were trying to tickle each other and I was trying to kiss his sweet little face. I often kiss his chin because he thinks it tickles--what is more irresistible and kissable than his smile as he lets out a peal of laughter? Anyhow, this afternoon he licked my face as I got close enough to kiss him. ICK! I told him I did not want him to lick my face. He responded, "I'm just trying to get the nutrition off."

Of course that made me laugh and still is, hours later. A combination of his father's jokes and my practicality, all twirled up in a way uniquely his own.

Inside and Outside

2011-03-10T22:26:00.001-05:00

Lots of things going on. Captain Obvious has been traveling a lot: he was gone for part of or all of 3 weeks in a row and it was hard on us all. Lots of changes coming down the pike. Hard for me to process as things seem to change a lot lately. Nothing health related! Next CT scan is April 6, so of course I will report on that.

Meanwhile, the weather fluctuations that confine us inside and send us outside continue through this mild end-of-winter/beginning-of-spring. We have fun either way.

Marble track fun in the playroom.

Swinging fun at a local park

Will write more about the changes when we have them sorted out for ourselves.

Inspired by TV

2011-03-01T21:45:00.001-05:00

Well, television, like it or not, is a part of our lives. As I have written about over and over, I try very hard to keep screen time to one hour or less per day. I do not always succeed, but often I do! In addition to being concerned about the amount of time spent watching, I am of course very picky about what I do allow Captain Adorable to watch. I prefer gentle or educational programming, like Zaboomafoo, Little Bear, and Dinosaur Train. I try to avoid repetitive shows, like Wonder Pets (I have been overruled on this) and always avoid overly commercialized shows, like Dora and its ilk. Captain Adorable has gone through several favorite shows (we watch them via On Demand or Netflix, so no commercials either) and the current favorite is Word World. I think this is a great show for a few reasons (educational and gentle! creative situations and also songs and dancing!) but the biggest reason is because since he started watching it, Captain Adorable's letter recognition has gotten better and faster.

It is also inspiring him to write.

This evening I started to cook dinner while he was watching the second half of his allotted one hour of television (this means 4 episodes and 2 vignettes of Word World). I have seen all the episodes before and I knew the last episode was about fire fighters. When the show was over, Capt. Adorable was fooling around with his chalkboard (I was cooking, so not paying much attention) and asked, "What letter does 'fire' start with?" I said, "f," and soon he asked the second letter (which is when I realised he was writing them down) and the third. There he got a little stuck. I told him from the kitchen that he needed to make a line, go aroudn the corner, and then give it a leg. He was making frustrated noises (and I could not see what he was doing) so I reminded him that an R looks like a P with an extra leg (this is all language I have used before when practicing one-on-one). I thought no more about it till I put dinner on the table and glanced at the chalkboard. There was a perfectly legible FIR! I praised him and said there was an 'e' at the end of FIRE. He promptly added the E.

I know, not a genius and perfectly normal and all that, but I am so proud of his initiative and I have to give the credit to the show he was watching: writing, inspired by tv.

Things One Does For One's Child

2011-02-27T22:50:00.000-05:00

OK, I am kidding, because I have actually been to a monster truck show before (back in 2000), but I never thought I'd go to another one. Today the combination of my devotion to my child and the invitation of some generous friends got me to attend another one. It was over the top in so many ways (my eyes actually hurt from all the exhaust in the air, despite the ventilation efforts of the Monster Truck Jam crew). Of course we took precautions to protect our ears.

It was a lot of fun to watch all the amazing tricks and stunts. My favorite part was the Freestyle Mania section of the show, when the show floor was filled with bicycles, four-wheelers, and motorcyles all jumping and twirling and flipping everywhere you looked. I even forgot to take photos.

Much to my shock and surprise, Captain Adorable fell asleep about 30 minutes shy of the end of the show. How he slept with all that noise and excitement I will never understand. Still, makes me feel pretty good about the ear protection he was wearing!

Afternoon In The Park

2011-02-26T21:42:00.000-05:00

This afternoon my little family went to the park. Our plan was just to spend some time together and look around. We had a great time doing not much, together.

Walking around down on the beach...tide was low.

Me and Captain Adorable walking along the beach.

Down by a different beach we saw deer tracks.

"Writing" in the sand.

The barnacles and the rocks and the water looked beautiful in the late winter sun.

Ooooh! Fallen trees!

Freezing cold and running back to the woods.

The last big hill.

Little (Wonderful and Weird) Changes

2011-02-25T23:29:00.001-05:00

As I've written about already, I have been working hard on changing bad diet habits for a while. Yes, my aim is to lose weight but also to give my body the best food I can give it while cooking at home for my family. So losing weight has obvious benefits: I feel better, I look better, my clothes have stopped shrinking in the dryer...but there's more. The many little changes that I notice so much more often than how I look in a mirror. Here are some examples.

I no longer have indigestion. Seriously, it is a thing of the past. I used to take Zantac 2-3 times a week. Now? Never.
My wedding and engagement rings had become uncomfortably tight; so much so that I was beginning to think of putting them aside. Now? They're a little loose--constantly sliding around my finger, clicking together and becoming unattached.

Weird things I did not know to expect:

Not only are my clothes too big, so are my underclothes. I've had to get rid of most of them because they're baggy, they bunch up under my clothes and feel weird and probably look weird, too.
My thorecotomy scar looks bigger (dude it is like my whole back now) and seemed to have moved (I used to pull the bra up on the rare occasions I showed it off, now I have to pull it down). My husband says my infinity symbol tattoo is smaller. I don't see it often, seeing as we do not possess a full-length mirror.
The seatbelt in the car never bothers me anymore. Used to be that it would cut into my neck all the time. I think my belly shifted it upward whereas now there is no belly (or much less) and the seat belt stays where it is supposed to be!

Practical Romantic

2011-02-24T17:41:00.002-05:00

Last spring, Captain Obvious asked me to learn how to splice line. He bought some line and a splicing kit for me to practice with. I took one look at the directions, realized it would help to see the procedure, and decided to watch some videos on youTube. After one or two of those I put the project aside until another time, when I would be "ready." Which means I forgot about it entirely, since I was scared of it and did not really want to try. A few nights ago Captain Obvious got the kit out and began attempting the splice. Of course I got sucked in and tried to help. We sat together on the floor for a couple of hours with a how-to video inching along second-by-second on youTube, each with a line tied to a leg of the couch, and after total of 4 attempts, I ended up with nothing (my hands are not strong enough to force the fid with the core past the core under the cover, if you want to know precisely) but he had a couple of splices! Not good enough to use on the boat, but still, better than what I made! It was fun to work together, separately and together working on a complex problem. Funny how our minds work, but it reminded me of something that happened at our wedding.

In the months leading up to the Big Day, Captain Obvious and I talked a lot about what our wedding meant to us and carefully picked music and poetry that (hopefully) communicated to our family and friends the way that we loved one another and what we wanted for our lives together. My dad, at our request, got ordained as a minister (online by the Universal Life Church) so that he could be our officiant. I had been wavering a little about the final poem, leaning towards a beautiful but kind of practical one but at the same time pulled towards a much more romantic, passionate one. As far as I remember, my beloved groom was more in favor of the romantic one but was cool with the other one also. I finally decided on the practical one. Since writing this, I asked him and he said he remembers preferring the more romantic one but being cool with either choice.

There was a mix up right before the ceremony and the poem I chose was not on the podium when Dad needed it, so instead he read the romantic one. Prophetic? My husband, the man with whom I have a strong partnership, whom I work so well with, is also the one I love passionately and endlessly.

Here are the poems I am talking about. Both were written by the great Khalil Gibran.

The one I wanted:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart.
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

The one we got:

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Gone Again

2011-02-23T21:56:00.000-05:00

Feeling a little down and extra tired since my beloved Captain Obvious is gone again. Last week he was out of town for work too, boohoo. I am not complaining about him--I know he is working hard for our family, and I am thankful to him for his efforts. I am just complaining because I miss him. I'd like to see his handsome face and give him a hug and a kiss right now.

Pee Again

2011-02-22T23:01:00.000-05:00

It snowed last night and preschool was canceled for today. Even if it had not been I do not know if I would have sent my boy to school since he is sick. No fever, but lots of snot and some coughing. Plus Captain Obvious is out of town again this week, so more time in the house alone with mama. Boring. Ah well, we played with his trains all morning, making several train tracks. But soon my little darling declared that is was hot and I knew what was up next; he took off all of his clothes. He's quite the nudist lately--I am beginning to wonder why we get him dressed in the morning at all.

In the afternoon he was finally allowed to watch his show (Word World) and sat, pleased as punch, looking at the television while eating a cracker. I was reading on the couch and after about 20 minutes I noticed him run to the bathroom, go in very quickly and run right back. About 10 minutes after that, I saw out of the corner of my eye, he made a sudden motion and looked up at me immediately. I put down my book and discovered that he had peed on the ottoman (where he was sitting) and the floor! (It was not much, but really, even a drop is too much pee on the furniture!) I insisted he go pee in the toilet over his loud protestations that he did not have to go. Based on the sound I heard, it was a good thing I insisted! I paused his show, got the upholstery and carpet cleaner and had him help with the clean up (he loves spraying, so this was pretty much fun for him). We then had a talk about what had happened. He knew he had to pee, which was why he went to the bathroom, but he did not want to take the time to go, so he just came back without going. He thought he could hold it for the rest of the show. I think the fact that it came out was completely unexpected! We talked about how it is important to go when you have to go, not to put it off and hold it in too long. I also asked that he put on at least his undies, which he did.

This is actually his third pee accident since late December. The first one happened at a party, so the reason for that one is a bit unclear--was it delay, did he not know where the bathroom was, or something else? The second time was definitely because he was delaying going to the bathroom because he did not want to interrupt what he was doing. This time was because he did not want to take the time away from the tv to pee. There have been a couple of close calls, when one or both parents have had to persuade him to pee. My boy has been potty trained since he was 30 months old (2 and a half years) and he is now suddenly (at over 4 years old) having pee accidents?! Urgh: a new thing to watch for and ask about.

Visit To The Boat Yard

2011-02-19T22:45:00.000-05:00

Captain Obvious went to the boat yard today. The boat needs love too, you see. Or at least a lot of snuggling. Oh wait, I meant sanding, not snuggling! Captain Adorable and I went in the afternoon to bring lunch and conversation. It was really, really windy. We ate in the car. After our meal we did get out to walk and play a little.

After a while the two Captains climbed up into the cabin--one to work and one to play. I stayed on the ground. I thought to take a nap in the car, seeing as I am still feeling extra tired and crappy, but was interrupted too soon for any real sleep to occur. Then Captain Adorable and I went drove home and waited for Daddy to join us.

The basement stinks of the anti-bacterial stuff, which is preferable to stinking of poop, but pretty awful. I am looking forward to the fans getting turned off and leaving (maybe Monday) because then I will not have to listen to their incessant noise anymore.

Basement Excitement

2011-02-18T23:31:00.001-05:00

Today was an exciting day. Last night we discovered that the sewer line had backed up and we had sewer water all over the inside of our basement. Stinky, disgusting, and depressing. Also potentially a lot of work and very expensive. Of course, my darling Captain Obvious was up early and ready to attack the problem with his usual combination of confidence and optimism. I helped as much as I could (which mainly involved standing by and cheering him on) until he discovered roots and there was nothing more he could do. I drove Capt. Adorable to a much-anticipated outdoor playdate (it was a gorgeous day today--the thermometer in my car said it was 80 degrees farenheit as I pulled out of the parking lot on the way home). Captain Obvious made some calls and got things done. By the time we got home, a temporary fix had been made (they dug a deep hole into the yard removed a big root ball) and they promise to be back at the beginning of the week to make a permanent fix. The insurance company sent out a cleaning service (I mean there was POOP down there--POOP!) to get everything cleaned up. Fortunately, everything that was ruined can be replaced and most of the things that were touched by the POOP but not ruined (wooden furniture as opposed to cushions, for instance) could be washed by the cleaning service using a sprayer and some super-sterile anti-bacterial solution. I had been afraid they'd have to throw everything out.

Feeling Off

2011-02-16T21:50:00.001-05:00

Since about last Thursday I've been feeling bad. Not terrible, but bad. I have a slightly elevated temp: 99.7, 99.3, 99.6. Some days it has gotten up to 100.2 or even 100.6 but not really a fever. My throat is sore (and red). I'm extra tired and spit up nasty green and brown mucus in the morning. Some coughing and scratchiness in my throat. Why don't I call the doctor? Well, because I am kind of convinced it will not do any good. Last time I went and complained about this type of thing (especially the constantly slightly elevated temp) I just heard that chemo had changed my body temp and that's just the way it was. Not much help, so what's the point in going? Meanwhile Captain Adorable and I are on our own as Capt. Obvious had to travel for work (will be back tomorrow) and I'm feeling icky. Good thing my little guy is so cooperative and helpful. And thank goodness for preschool! ;)

And yes, I will call the doctor and make an appointment. Grumble grumble.

A Wonderful Idea

2011-02-13T22:18:00.001-05:00

Recently two or three people have suggested that I write a book about my cancer journey. I love this idea--I've always told myself I'd write a book one day (or perhaps even more than one). I've written short stories, poems, even a play, but never anything longer than a couple dozen pages. I've been keeping a diary off and on for years so I guess you could say I am my own favorite subject. (Does that mean I am vain? Or just boring?) But who would care? And who could I convince to publish a book about me?

Seriously, what would my hook be? All I've done is not die. I haven't taken up a raw food diet. I haven't had a religious awakening. I haven't become a crusader for cancer research. It is true that this journey has changed me and has opened my eyes to the joys of life and shown me how supremely lucky I am, but again, no hook. One of the friends who was suggesting the idea said that my hook was that I was a mom throughout my journey. I don't know; I don't think that's much of a hook.

Anyhow, I'm interested enough in the idea that I think about it a lot; perhaps I should do some research and see how likely it would be that anyone would be interested in publishing my story. I mean sure, it seems bloggers get book deals all the time, but those are usually cookbooks. ;) If any of you, my faithful readers, have any connections, let me know! How I'd love to write my story and share it with an even wider audience.

A Moment of Motherhood Joy

2011-02-11T20:43:00.001-05:00

I am, as you know if you've read this blog even once or twice, overjoyed to be a mother. In my experience, there are amazing moments and unadulterated joys in every moment. One of the reasons I am a successful mother is of course the support of my darling husband, the father of our beautiful child. Oh I sound so lecture-y and sentimental but these two people are my life and I adore them both.

This afternoon Captain Adorable and I had finished reading a couple of books (Minerva Louise and the Colorful Eggs by Janet Morgan Stoeke and Masha And The Firebird by Margaret Bateson Hill and Anne Wilson) and I was puttering around in the kitchen, cleaning up and thinking about what I was going to make for dinner when we heard the garage door open (which means Daddy is home) about an hour and a half earlier than usual! Capt. Adorable jumped and asked "Is that Daddy?" I said, "yes," and he ran to look out the dining room window to check for himself. I soon heard a scream of joy followed by the exclamation, "it is Daddy!" Now, I am always happy to greet my husband on his return home but hearing the delight in our son's voice was an additional joy. Oh the love of my child for his father melts me into a puddle of happy, happy love goo......

Weight Loss

2011-02-07T22:29:00.000-05:00

This evening I happened to look at my passport. The photo was taken in preparation for our trip to Costa Rica in February 2009. I was really surprised at the very different looking woman in that photo! She had short kinky hair--the chemo do--and a fat swollen face--the chemo face. I was not terribly slender before chemo (haha) but all those drugs and horribleness swelled me up (I gained weight and I had very large cheeks/jowls from the drugs).The photo makes me feel sad because I remember the pain of that time and happy because it is over (for now) and proud because I have changed since then.

Since May 2010 I have been committed to changing some bad eating habits and losing weight. I have lost alllllllmost 30 pounds so far, but the important thing to me is how many deep changes I have made concerning what I choose to put in my mouth. And, obviously, what I show my son about eating habits and diet choices. I feel better. I look better.

Making these types of changes in one's diet is never easy, and I have often struggled with temptation in the form of tempting treats or just old habits. But of course the struggle is worth the end result in the long run (and sometimes even in the short run).

Photo Diary of Sorts

2011-02-04T22:57:00.002-05:00

Captain Adorable likes to take photos. He likes to play with the camera. Now and then he takes nice ones (I've even posted one on this blog.) But usually his photos are really just documentation of what he is doing at the time. This evening I was looking through some of his photos and thought I would share a few with you.

First photo of the day. You can see me sitting at the kitchen table, probably eating lunch. You can tell he is already running.

Down the hall.

Into his playroom.

The gas stove.

Some of his paintings.

Blocks on the arm of the couch.

I think this was taken through a block with a hole (marbles can go through these at the end of a ramp).

His flashlight.

Holding his flashlight.

And then there are some white ones (he must have been shining the flashlight directly into the lens). Later there were photos of the carpet. And the toilet. And the cats. And sometimes a self portrait or two. :D

Inspired By Reading

2011-02-01T22:39:00.002-05:00

Captain Adorable and I often go to the library. As you can see from the list of books I've finished reading on the right side of this blog, I read a lot. My son has book fever too. As Captain Obvious says, thank goodness for the library or we'd never be able to afford our book habit. Several weeks ago we found a little gem in the children's section called The Bravest Knight by Mercer Mayer. The book set Capt. Adorable's imagination afire! We kept renewing it and renewing it. Capt. Adorable wanted to take it to preschool with him (where there are plenty of lovely books) and his teacher read it to the class.

I could see he was inspired by this book, and for Hanukkah and Christmas and his birthday he received several knight-themed presents, including, of course, the cherished book (thanks to his uncle!). Now a sword fight with Daddy is one of his daily activities. Of course, he is happy to have a sword fight with whoever will play, but I'm not into it and others brave enough to try do not often repeat the experience. Here are a few photos of this afternoon's battle.

I should add that the helmet was a project Capt. Adorable and I did together yesterday afternoon. We got the instructions from another library book: Medieval Arms and Armor (First Facts) by Jim Whiting. It is a difficult to see out of and hot (the point of making one was to demonstrate to the child what the knights of old experienced), but Capt. Adorable wants to wear it for every battle now. After this evening's fun he told Capt. Obvious that he ripped it and then took it off! (The aluminum foil did indeed get damaged...)

Fun With Markers

2011-01-31T21:21:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm going to let you in on a secret. Little kids like being naked. Even if it is winter. Captain Adorable enjoys getting naked and dancing around the family room. He also loves drawing at his easel with markers. Last night somehow the two states got combined. :) And then daddy got in on the fun. Both of them had a wonderful time!

Fortunately, they are washable markers, but once in the bath the water turned crazy colors but it wasn't all coming off of my little Captain so I had to scrub him down and then drain the water and rinse out the tub before filling it for his regular bath. He was back to his usual self with no residual markings, which made me happy.

A Snowy Afternoon

2011-01-28T22:12:00.000-05:00

Sometimes people ask me what Captain Adorable and I do at home together all day. I find this question difficult to answer. We do so many things! We read books, do puzzles, play games, play with toys, sing, dance, talk, cook, make art, practice letters, and watch tv. Sometimes we go places togehter. I enjoy his company and I love to spend time with him, every minute of everyday--from waking to his sweet face as he climbs in bed with me at some time of the night or morning, to helping him get dressed, eating breakfast together, and embarking on our day's adventures (even if those adventures take place inside our house).

Here are pics of some of what we did yesterday. Looking back it does not seem like all that much, but spending time together peacefully is perfect fun.

Playing with his knights and castle. Some dinosaurs and dragons were involved also.

He suggested we make a collage. I found some cool origami paper I've had packed up for a while. He sure enjoys cutting but wants me to help too, so I oblige with shapes he is not yet dexterous enough to create.

We pulled a fresh bread out of the oven and had lunch.

Time for glueing.

I mixed some water with the glue to make it possible to apply it with a brush.

A look outside at the snow.

The Tyrannosaurus Rex is eating the knights!

Letters In The Tub

2011-01-24T22:09:00.001-05:00

Background: For a long time now (maybe 2 years) we've had a set of letters for the bathtub. Foam letters that stick to the tiles when they are wet. When he was learning the alphabet they were wonderful! However, Capt. Adorable had so many bathtub toys that they became an inconvenience more than anything else, partly because the boy himself insisted on having Every Single Toy In The Tub for every bath. I finally put away most of the toys when we moved into this house about a year ago, the foam letters included. However, somehow or another he found the toys and convinced Oma to let him have them all during his baths while she is here. When she leaves I let him choose 10 (I know, I limit him so!) and those are the only ones till she comes the next time.

So, since he's been showing so much interest in writing and putting together words lately, this last time that Oma left I allowed him to keep all the letters and numbers (somehow or another a few are missing). Tonight when he was in the bath he asked me to help him put words together. Of course I said yes and the first one he wanted help with was his own name. :) Then we went through the names of some classmates, then Daddy's name, then my name, then Oma and then Opa. After that the boats were more interesting. But I managed to get a pic for you!

Letters and Cars

2011-01-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

Over the last few days, with some encouragement and coaching from both parents, Captain Adorable has begun to write letters on the chalkboard. We are gently encouraging him to write a few letters each day. Most letters he initiates and writes on his own, but some he traces over the example letter written by the parent. This is so much fun! I really enjoy doing this with him! Also, just yesterday(at our friends' house) he watched a television show called Word World which is designed just for kids on the cusp of reading and it was a big hit. Well, I guess if he's going to watch tv it is good to at least watch something educational.

Also, starting this morning, he has discovered that the hallway in our house is perfect for playing with cars. It has a laminate floor, so cars slide across it with ease. We each sit and one end of the hall and just zoom them at each other over and over. I think we've played this game for a total of about 2 hours today! At one point he had to take a bathroom break and he requested that I continue "shooting" the cars so that he could hear "that beautiful sound" while he was busy in the bathroom! I am pretty sure we will be doing this a lot for the next few weeks.

Ice Drill!

2011-01-19T22:58:00.000-05:00

Today was beautiful--almost 50! Almost all the ice and snow has melted and gone. After our usual schedule of getting up and dressed and downstairs, we ate breakfast and then took the bread dough we made (well, really that Capt. Adorable made) yesterday and set to rise overnight out of the bowl and gave it another little nap. While the dough napped for another two hours, we read books (The Cat In The Hat, Horton Hears A Who, Gai See or What You Can See in Chinatown, and The art book for children Book two), played hide and seek (he hid really, really well!), and put together puzzles. Finally it was time to put the dough in the oven. When it came out at last we listened to the crackling noises it made while it cooled enough to cut and eat. And then we ate it. YUM!

After lunch we went out. First to the big playground, then to the marina. At the marina we discovered a whole group of firefighters doing an ice rescue drill. About 5-6 fire trucks/rescue vehicles and all sorts of fire fighters! We got to see two late comers don the dry suits and get in the water (which had ice, despite the warm sun!). Lots of fun. They say they'll be back tomorrow. I suppose we will go watch again tomorrow. :)

Once they left, we climbed on the rocks to check out the water and the ice more closely.

After a couple of hours rambling around in the warm sun, we came home. Captain Adorable was not ready to stop playing and had some independent fun in his play room.

Quotes from an Ice Day

2011-01-18T21:27:00.000-05:00

Oma and Opa went home yesterday after a short visit to attend Captain Adorable's birthday party. He was, as usual, sad to see them go, but the fact that Daddy had the day off helped to soften the blow quite a bit. Today he was excited to go to school, but last night we had a bunch of ice/sleet and school was canceled. He was really disappointed. Before breakfast he said, "Mommy I wish my school was open," and later he mentioned that we should go to Oma's house and "stay for 50 years." It was pretty obvious he was missing his school friends and his Oma. It was a lot of work to entertain him today, especially since I was feeling tired also.

He made some pretty funny jokes today too. For instance, after eating breakfast, he wanted me to pick him up and let him sit on my lap but I was still eating my yogurt and did not want a boy on my lap. He was kind of hugging me and rubbing his head on me/head butting me. Specifically my boob. He sort of patted me on the boob and said, "that's a blow fish!" I laughed and so did he. When I was planning what to cook for dinner I asked what he'd like and he told me he wanted to have "fat bees and fat cheese!" Later on I farted (yes, I fart sometimes, just like everyone else) and he asked me if I was a walrus who had eaten too many clams (quoting a scene from the documentary movie Arctic Tale) while laughing loudly and then suggested that he put his ear up to my butt so that I could fart in his ear and it would be "so loud!" I guess bodily humor never loses its appeal! At least we had something to laugh at this cold cold icy day.

Bad Words

2011-01-13T22:18:00.000-05:00

Background: recently we checked The Gas We Pass Or The Story of Farts out of the library. Captain Adorable loves this book and requests that I read it to him often. In fact he asked me to read it on his birthday while his great-grandma was here. She covered her mouth and laughed during the entire book. Capt. Adorable Observed this closely and has brought it up a couple of times since then.

This evening we were on our way back from a story time event at his school and we were talking about Oma and Opa's arrival tomorrow. He said he was looking forward to reading Walter The Farting Dog with them. I said they might also enjoy The Gas We Pass and he responded that he hoped Oma would not put her hand over her mouth the whole time like last time. I reminded him that that was his great-grandma, not Oma! He wanted to know why great-grandma covered her mouth, so I attempted to explain. I said she probably thought it was funny, and maybe she thought it was funny because when she was young, 'fart' was a bad word. He asked what was a bad word (a term he had never heard before) and I explained that some words are considered bad because they are rude. He asked me to tell him some bad words. In my head I ran through the list: the f-word, the s-word, the b-word, the n-word, words that maybe aren't bad words, like queer and fag but not words I'd ever want my darling to say, and aloud I laughed and said no!

I thought as quickly as I could and headed off his next 'why' by telling him that words have the power you give them. If you use a word to hurt people then it is a rude word, a bad word. He wanted to know like what, so I said that some times people who wear glasses get made fun of. Others might call them four-eyes or blind or bat or mole. We know that 'bat' and 'mole' are not bad words, but when used in that way, used to hurt, they are rude and therefore they are bad words. When you use a word as a weapon, it becomes a bad word (like the n-word or queer or fag or bitch or so many others). He said he understood.

I explained that sometimes a word can be a bad word because it is too private. Some people consider the word penis to be a bad word. Like so many other times I said that his penis is only for him, for no one else to see or touch. Because the penis is private some people do not even like to say the word because saying it brings them too close. I asked if he knew what I meant and he said yes. I explained that people have made up lots of other names to call a penis because they don't want to say 'penis' and I told him a few of those (he thought the idea of calling a penis 'cock,' like rooster, was quite silly!). I suggested he ask Daddy if he wanted to hear more.

Then we talked about how some words have more than one meaning and that words are fun. I declared, "I love words...maybe that is why I talk so much," and was rewarded with, "maybe you should not love words and maybe you should not talk so much, Mama." I laughed, said ok and was silent for the rest of the drive home (which was, fortunately, only about 1/4 of a mile).

Once we got home we sat together in our fabulous glider and I read the latest issue of Ladybug to him. Then it was bedtime.

Pancakes!

2011-01-12T21:10:00.001-05:00

Ever since Capt. Adorable's birthday, when I made him pancakes for breakfast, he's been asking for them on a daily basis. Today we made them again. I say "we" and I mean it. He helps a lot! I measure the ingredients, but he puts them in the bowl and combines them. OK, I stir together the wet and dry but he stirs the dry first and the combo after (plus this morning I needed to add a little extra buttermilk and he stirred in the extra like a pro).

He helps during the cooking, too. Today (we had pancakes for lunch) he was in charge of adding the blackberries (his choice--I prefer blueberries) to the pancakes in the pan.

However, we noticed that the blackberries were too big, so I proposed we cut them. I gave him a knife (yes, I gave my 4 year old a knife, gasp) and he cut them in half. I guess all those times I've let him chop up cloves of garlic and slice olives to keep him busy while I am cooking have indeed paid off.

Once the blackberries were cut, they cooked up nicely and tasted delicious! Here's a pic showing the cut blackberry in the pancake.

After all the pancakes were cooked he asked that we save the rest of the blackberries for when Oma and Opa get here (they're coming on Friday).

Week of Winter Activities

2011-01-11T21:27:00.002-05:00

It snowed and sleeted today. I think it has gone back to snow as I type. I've heard the plow on the street already this evening but doubt there will really be much. We've done a lot of indoor activities over the last few weeks, and certainly over the last few days.

Checking out a science kit. Loved using the pipette.

This afternoon Captain Adorable and I rode bikes down to the marina to look at the water. I thought it might help to get him to watch less tv (we're creeping up to 1.5 hours per day again...) and a little outside time for us both. :) It was cold! The creek we live on was frozen, except for the places under the docks that are kept clear of ice by blubblers. Captain Adorable experimented by throwing various things (sycamore balls and gravel) onto the ice from various heights. We finally got a big stick to poke it with. We hid the stick on the way back so we can find it again next time.

Photos From A Winter Beach

2011-01-09T00:00:00.000-05:00

We went to Ocean City between Christmas and New Year's. It was peaceful and fun. Here are a few photos of a wintery beach with Captain Adorable and me.

Holiday Mood

2011-01-08T23:42:00.001-05:00

During this holiday season I have indulged in waaaaaaay more treats than usual. I find myself tired and stressed. I sleep less and I complain more. In general I feel less happy lately. I have a few friends who are feeling the same thing. This is ridiculous and I think it is about time to get back into vegetables and out of sugar and fat and carbs. I haven't gone for a walk to see the water is a long time. Time to Buck UP, Baby!

My New Year's Resolution is to get more involved with my neighborhood. Last year was to stop buying canned beans and although I'd not been perfect, I have, for the most part, kept the resolution and changed a habit. I learned how to cook beans from dry; they do indeed taste better. I hope that I can be as successful in my resolution this year. :)

Now I have to decide if I can make a dinosaur cake for Captain Adorable's birthday party. Keep in mind I am a good cook and definitely able to follow a recipe, but I am not a cake baker. Nor am I a cake decorator. Pinching the dough on a pie crust is about as fancy as I get. And also, he wants a meat- eating dinosaur cake (preferably a T. rex), not a plant-eater cake, which is what they make in the video I found). I wonder if I should make it a double-layer...how many practice cakes will this require...or if I should just give in and buy one.

Four Years Old

2011-01-06T22:52:00.002-05:00

My little darling turned four today. He had a wonderful day and so did I. Readers of this blog may remember that the birthday celebrations last year were quite spartan. This year was pretty much the opposite--he's being feted at every turn!

This morning at about 6:20 he got in bed with Captain Obvious and me. Usually when he gets in bed with us in the morning he goes back to sleep. This morning he did not. He twisted and turned till I started talking to him about the fact that it was his birthday. He interrupted, "But this is not my real birthday." He had gotten confused between the actual birthday and the birthday party. I explained and he asked, 'But when I will be four?" and was overjoyed when I told him, "You are already four!" He was very happy about that idea and asked lots of questions, even how to spell four (with letters, not numbers). Then we sang Happy Birthday, all of us cuddled in bed together.

Captain Obvious' alarm clock went off at 6:45 and we all got up. (In the evening I realised that Captain Adorable and I were each wearing a purplish tee-shirt beneath a green long sleeved shirt on top. Funny how the two of us dress alike more often than one might think...) I was happy that we had plenty of time before we had to leave for school because I had promised to make pancakes for breakfast. We made pancakes and relaxed till it was time to leave. He got a call from Oma and Opa, who sang him Happy Birthday. When it was time to leave, he made sure I did not forget the mini-cupcakes (as if!) we were bringing as the class' birthday treat. He had a wonderful day at school (he is now the only 4 year old in his class). He got to wear a birthday hat and sit in a birthday chair. I'm sure they sang him Happy Birthday again over the cupcakes. He brought home a gift (a book he chose from the birthday basket) and will soon bring home another gift that his classmates made for him in school (a wooden airplane, which he also picked) which still had to dry (paint and glue).

We came home for lunch (which he ate while I madly cleaned the house) and then my sweet-MIL came over to bring her birthday presents for him. She and her mother (Captain Adorable's only living great-grandparent) sang him Happy Birthday. It was lovely to see her (she has recently finished chemo and has just received a PET result saying that she is NED) happy and relaxed. I was able to finally give her the Christmas presents for her and her family and also give away the rugelach and sugar cookies I made for her (quite relieved to have that temptation out of my house).

As soon as she left, Captain Adorable wanted to explore the dinosaur science kit she gave him. It was lots of fun, smashing plaster together to find the "fossilized bones" hidden inside. Finally I had to start dinner (Spinach-Broccoli Ricotta Pie) so I let him watch Bill Nye The Science Guy while I cooked. When Captain Obvious got home we started opening presents. The birthday boy was quite pleased with the mythical creatures (dragon, chimera, pegasus) from Oma and Opa and stopped to play with them for quite a while. Then he opened a chef costume from mama and daddy, which he immediate donned and cooked us a full meal with dessert. Then there was the box of dinosaurs and the marble track from Grandpa and Lita. It was all I could do to drag the captains away from that marble track to eat dinner!

Dinner was the aforementioned savory pie and some grilled sausages. Both requested by the birthday boy of course. And for dessert we had a hot chocolate cake. We lit the candles and sang him Happy Birthday. He had a hard time blowing them out at first, then got them to go out one at a time. I reminded him to make a wish and he told me he had already made a wish: to eat cake! Then he blew out the last candle. OMG it was delicious.

Once the sugar high wore off, I read him two of his new books (from The Little Red Train series by Benedict Blathwayt, imported from England) and took him up to bed. Getting him to allow me to floss and brush his teeth took a little convincing but not too much. Then I got in bed with him and read another book (about the water cycle, I know, weird, but his choice!). Then he curled up with his head on my arm and his body against mine and we talked about all the things we have to do together (everything from going to New York City to look at the skyscrapers to setting off fireworks in Tennessee). I sang him the lullaby I always sing (a Dutch one that my mama sang to me) and he was sound asleep by the third repetition (usually I do five repetitions). I lay in his bed, holding him and listening to him breathe.

How similar his first night was to this one, four years later. Both times he fell asleep in the arms of his devoted mother. I am so lucky to be a mother. I love you, baby-who-is-not-a-baby. Can we please make this year a long one?

New Year's Eve

2011-01-02T11:58:00.003-05:00

We had my friend Steady Hands, her husband, her daughter, and her parents over for dinner and to celebrate New Year's Eve. Captain Obvious made brisket and lamb on the grill. I made a romaine salad with carrots, red onion, and feta; roasted golden potatoes and butternut squash with sage, and garlic-cumin wilted spinach. (I had tofurky for protein in case you are interested.) My friend brought a delicious fresh baked bread and flourless chocolate cake. We served the cake with pecan-honey ice cream that Captain Obvious made the night before. Quite a delicious feast! We used the dishes and silver my grandma gave me for my wedding, so we had the proper plates and cutlery for everything and I got to have a few moments of remembering my grandma while using these things that remind me so much of her.

The table just before dinner began.

We stayed up far too late (though really didn't drink much) and had a great time ringing in the new year. I hope your celebrations were as perfect for you as this one was for us. Happy 2011 Everyone! May the New Year bring us all good health, love, peace, and joy.

Dentist

2010-12-30T20:35:00.000-05:00

I spent almost 5 hours at the dentist today. I was supposed to get a night guard (since I grind my teeth at night) and get the prep work done for my new crown. I figured all in all it would take 1 hour, maybe 1 hour 15 minutes. Instead, nothing went right and I was there until after the place closed. The tooth that needs to be crowned was just not cooperating. First, the dentist insisted on taking out the filling the endodontist had put in and refilled it, all the while remarking, "Wow, they really filled this." Then dentist and his assistant (I do not know her proper title) prepped the tooth for the new crown and made the impression that would be sent to the lab which will make the permanent crown. Then they made a temporary crown, but it broke. Eventually, after making 4 temporary crowns, all of which either didn't fit or broke or both, they realized they would have to re-prep the tooth and start again.

The dentist had to change the size and shape of the tooth, which meant the entire impression for the permanent crown had to be done again. Then another temporary crown was made (number 5), but it would not come off the tooth (it has to be the right size for your bite, so it has to be drilled/sanded down to fit into your mouth correctly). The assistant eventually gave up in frustration and I had to wait for the dentist to come back (because, of course, my appointment was taking way too long and he had other patients to see, so he had to work around the other people also!). He got it off, but only by breaking it, so a sixth one had to be made. Of course, in order to make sure this one would come off, he had to do a whole lot of clean up and prep work to make sure the tooth was in proper shape. He did so and this time it worked! The temporary crown is properly seated on my tooth.

I arrived home almost 4 hours later than I thought I would, having completely missed a visit from some friends who came by for a couple of hours. But it was not all bad. The people taking care of me were very nice and determined to do a good job. I feel confident that my new permanent crown will be more comfortable than the last one and I hope that it won't come off all the time like the last one did!

Christmas Cookies

2010-12-26T00:06:00.000-05:00

Today, in between watching my son open presents and play with them, I made more cookies. Yesterday I made sugar cookies, which the captains decorated with sugar before they went in the oven. This afternoon I baked them, then glazed them (simple mixture of confectioner's sugar, milk, and vanilla extract), then dropped sugar and sprinkles on them. Well, actually Captain Adorable did most of the sugar sprinkling. It was easier to decorate this way; they came out just like I had hoped.

Later in the evening I made apricot-raspberry rugelach. Here's the dough before being refrigerated. I made it the day before yesterday (it has to refrigerate overnight but can be kept for a few days before being rolled out.

The filling: first spread on seedless raspberry preserves, then put on a mixture of chopped apricots, walnuts, sugar, and cinnamon.

Once the filling is in place, cut round into 12 pieces (I cut into quarters, then cut those into 3 pieces each.) Roll up from the outside edge.

The little pastry all rolled up. Pastries laid out on cookie sheet ready for the oven; here you can see that some have been brushed with milk and coated with a cinnamon-sugar mix.

The rugelach are on the cooling racks, fresh from the oven.

Holidays With Friends

2010-12-23T23:40:00.000-05:00

I have been blessed to be surrounded by old and new friends for the past two days and during the next week I will get to hang out with friends and family several times. Such fun to share these festivities together! So joyful to see our children grow, to share the now while sharing past moments. Ahhhhhh.

Mall traffic I can do without, however. :) I am not going there again till January!!!!!

COOKIES COOKIES COOKIES

2010-12-21T23:37:00.001-05:00

I have been baking cookies. A lot of cookies. I've baked sugar cookies, hermits, currant-and-walnut rugelach, apricot-raspberry rugelach, and chewy molasses spice cookies. That's 19 dozen. And yet there are currently only 3 dozen in the house. Why? Well, there are 3 cookie monsters living in this house, plus I keep sending them off to be consumed by others. Captain Obvious took the first batch of rugelach (4 dozen of the currant-and-walnut) to his office; I gave away 2 dozen to Captain Adorable's preschool teachers, and sent a box with sugar cookies, hermits, and apricot-raspberry rugelach to...well...an undisclosed location (they'll find out soon enough, won't they, why ruin the surprise?), so about 3 dozen in all. Let's not discuss where the other 7 dozen went...OMG we ate 7 dozen cookies??? I've got to stop baking...but I can't stop...not yet! My sweet MIL has requested some apricot-raspberry rugelach, so I have to make some for her and probably some more sugar cookies as well.

Captain Adorable has helped in the kitchen an awful lot! Of course, who can complain when helping means measuring ingredients, using power tools (power mixer yeah baby), and unrestricted access to sugar and more sugar?

Here are some pics. I can't add captions to the sugar cookie making pics, but you can see pretty easily what they are and hopefully they don't really need explanation.

Hermits just out of the oven.

Hermits cut and ready to send off!

Rolling out the sugar cookie dough.

Treatment Options

2010-12-20T11:31:00.000-05:00

I have chosen to use many types of treatment options for my illnesses throughout my life. I've had great success with homeopathic and natural remedies. I've used acupuncture, Feldenkrais, and aromatherapy with positive results. In fact, for more run-of-the-mill illness I've had much more success with those treatments than with allopathic medicine. I also truly believe in the power of diet and exercise. (Though I have not always followed these beliefs, because, well, sometimes we're all hypocrites aren't we?)

So, why have I chosen to use strictly allopathic medicine to treat my cancer? Well, maybe I am just not educated about the success rates of non-allopathic medicine for cancer treatment, or maybe I am jaded, having heard about the various theories about evil companies who want you to be sick so that they can make money off your illness for years, or maybe, well, maybe because I believe in science and scientific method.

Here's a comic that explains what I mean.

I love xkcd.

Just A Tap

2010-12-16T22:34:00.000-05:00

I had quite a busy morning. First I had to get Capt. Adorable and myself dressed and fed and out the door in time to drop him off at school. Once I dropped him off I had to rush to get to my next appointment (more about that in another blog post). I was eager to get there because I was looking forward to seeing a friend there. I had to leave 15 minutes early, though, because I had to rush off to an endodontist appointment for a root canal re-do. The endodontist visit was pretty painless and the happy dentist amused me by humming and even singing along to the carols on the radio in the office. It was also quick; I arrived at the office at 10:02 and walked out at 10:44. It was much quicker than I expected, so I suddenly had some time to fill. I decided to go to the mall (just across the street) and read my book over coffee. Then I realised I couldn't drink coffee with my numb face, plus I had a lot of time, so I decided to try on some jeans. It was pretty fun.

By the time I left the mall at 11:30, there was snow covering the parking lot. In fact, there was already a fender bender there in the mall parking lot. I knew it was slippery and decided to drive carefully. It was indeed quite slippery and I heard and felt the anti-lock brakes come on a couple of times while driving to the preschool. On the way home, again driving slowly and cautiously, I had to stop at the bottom of a little hill where there was already a car stopped at a red light. I slowed down, then cautiously applied the brakes. The anti-lock came on but the car did not stop. I felt panic rising in my body. I could not stop and there was no where to go. I knew that I was going to hit the car in front of me. And then I did.

Fortunately it was just a tap. Captain Adorable was perfectly fine of course. The driver pulled up a little and we both got out. There was not even a mark on either car. I said I was sorry, that I could not stop and just slid down the hill. He said not to worry about it, that there was no damage and that he had done the same thing. We got back in our cars and when the light turned green we drove off.

I drove extra carefully all the way home and saw several other bump along the way (we're talking 5-6 miles total). We saw 3 snow plow/sand trucks on our way home, thank goodness. I considered stopping at the grocery store but did not because, well, I was scared of the trouble I could find in the parking lot and eager to get myself and my child out of danger. Tomorrow is my usual grocery day so I hope the roads get cleared tonight. Thank you, snow plow drivers!

Then at home I had to somehow shovel the driveway. I had no idea what to do because I know I cannot. Maybe over the course of several days, but that kinda defeats the point, no? Fortunately the snow was all powder and there was only about 2 inches (or less) on the ground. Captain Obvious advised me (by phone from San Francisco) to use the leaf blower. Thank goodness Capt. Adorable knew where everything was and helped me get set up. Once I was ready to start I noticed a neighbor down the street doing the exact same thing. It took a long time but the job got done!

Christmas Tree

2010-12-16T21:54:00.000-05:00

I grew up celebrating Hanukkah, and Captain Obvious grew up celebrating Christmas (though neither of us considers her/himself a member of any major religion). So, you saw the photos from our Hanukkah celebration this year and now it is time for photos of our Christmas tree.

I'll give you two of decorating the tree and two that Captain Adorable took.

Several times a day, Capt. Adorable will sit back and declare "the tree is so beautiful." He is clearly enjoying it quite a bit and I love to see him appreciate and enjoy. It is quite nice: more elaborate than we've ever done before. Captain Adorable also enjoys the task of watering the tree every morning and faithfully reminds me each day. It has snowed twice at our house so far this winter (the second time being today) and Capt. Adorable gets very excited about the snow, because it is snow, and also because he thinks snow means it is Christmas (I guess I've let him watch that Barney Christmas special a time or two too many!). Usually he says, "Mommy! It is snowing! Is it Christmas Eve?"

Cooking At Preschool

2010-12-14T22:21:00.000-05:00

Today I went to preschool with Captain Adorable. It was wonderful. I was really pleased with the peaceful, calm atmosphere, the loving, kind, encouraging teacher, and the explorations of the children. My child was feeling happy and confident and that made me more happy than anything but that kind of goes without saying, n'est pas? He was truly pleased to have me at school with him.

I cooked the Carrot Pennies recipe published in Pretend Soup by Mollie Katzen. The kids seemed to have fun adding the ingredients to the pan and then went off to play while it cooked (really just making the sauce in the pan because the carrots were pre-steamed at home the night before). When the dish was ready (carrot slices, butter, brown sugar, a little lemon, a little salt, and a little water) I served it to an enthusiastic crowd. Unfortunately they didn't all like it! They all tried it and a couple of them ate it all up (including one little darling who stayed at the table behind all the others to finish her plate). Of course one of the haters was my child. Ah well. I'm going to sign up to go to school again and next time I'll make muffins. :D

Preschool Tomorrow!

2010-12-13T22:41:00.000-05:00

I'm going to preschool tomorrow! I'm very excited to join my little love at his school for part of the morning. I am going to go outside with the class for their morning play, then come inside and lead them in a cooking project (found a nice recipe in Pretend Soup). He's so excited about it that he was still awake at 9:30 this evening, which is when I finally became aware he was out of bed and hiding in the hall when he should have been in bed, sigh.

Ice Skating

2010-12-12T21:36:00.000-05:00

Captain Adorable went ice skating for the first time on Dec. 8, 2010. His Oma and Opa took him. Captain Obvious and I were at the hospital or else we would have been there too. I got to go with him soon after. I certainly don't skate fast but it is fun to glide around on the ice! Especially because I see it through my son's eyes; all exciting and new. He uses one of those skating supports that children can hang on to and push around the ice while learning to skate and runs across the ice (dangerous since he goes fast but does not really know what he is doing). My mom said that the first day he went around the perimeter, holding on to the wall with one hand and a grandparent with the other and I got him to do that with me as well, which I liked because it was nice and slow. Such fun!

Rearrangement

2010-12-12T21:24:00.000-05:00

While my parents were visiting Captain Obvious and I took advantage of my dad's carrying powers and my mom's distraction powers (to help little man stay out of the proceedings) and rearranged some furniture. We had discussed several little changes and one series of big changes several times, and we got to put them all into existence in the same afternoon. Big change! Makes me happy because it opens up a room so much and makes the house feel a big bigger.

Now I have to decide if I want to attempt painting 2 small breakfronts (hutch plus cabinet) or just going with the current honey oak/maple look they've currently got going. Once that's decided, I can move those cabinets into place and bring the bookcases (currently in the dining room) out to the family room. And then I can finally unpack books. I have missed my books over the past year; I am eager to get them back for good. Nice how rearranging things makes such a big impact.

Photos From Hanukkah

2010-12-10T09:39:00.000-05:00

Here are a few photos from this year's Hanukkah. Maybe next year we will get to celebrate with more family members (love to you sweeties in Spain and New Zealand!). Hope your Hanukkahs were wonderful too.

Candles burning on the sixth night. Baked butternut squash and fruit juice dressed up in a fancy glass in the background.

The side of the dreidel everybody wants with Hanukkah gelt (chocolate coins).

First potato latke of the evening! Mmmmmm...latkes...

The very last candle of Hanukkah 2010 is about to go out.

Good News

2010-12-08T21:57:00.000-05:00

Yes indeed, good news. The CT scan was clear. I had a lovely night celebrating Hanukkah with my family and am now having a glass of champagne with my parents and husband. Life is so beautiful.

CT Scan Tomorrow (Wednesday)

2010-12-07T22:16:00.000-05:00

The fact that there has been barely mention of this over the weeks leading up to now makes me think that I've been nervous for a while. I have a CT Scan tomorrow. I have not been sleeping well for 4-5 nights. I woke up Captain Obvious with my tossing and turning last night. I am nervous. And now I'm on steroids, which makes me jittery and nervous and hyper and talkative. I take prednisone to prevent an allergic reaction since I am allergic to IV iodine, which is the dye I get injected with in addition to the one I drink for the CT scan.

This afternoon I was stuck in a traffic jam. Seeing as I was trying to get home to cook dinner for my parents, son, and husband, I was rather unhappy. This was just at the beginning of sunset, so the sky is darkening and I see such beautiful colors reflected on the clouds. The moon was out too. A bright sliver of a crescent with the full circle just visible because it was a bit more luminous than the dark sky behind it. I found myself admiring the moon and sky and thinking that the darkness of the sky

Sure am glad my parents are here. Sure am glad Captain Obvious is taking the day off to go with me. Sure am glad there is another night of Hanukkah to celebrate tomorrow night.

Good Memory

2010-12-07T11:41:00.000-05:00

Lately I've noticed several examples of Capt. Adorable's excellent memory. Or, to think of it another way, my very bad memory. (I know that chemo affected my memory while I was on it and I am convinced that I am still not back to the way I was before chemo.)

If you ask Captain Adorable to remind you of something, he will actually remind you! Or he may remember something you told him that you have forgotten (like my earlier post about the egg nog). Yesterday he really surprised me. I considered making butternut squash galette for dinner last night but decided not to after looking at the recipe and realizing that I did not have any lemon juice, nor did I feel like going to buy some. Instead I decided to just bake a squash. When Capt. Adorable asked about the galette I told him that I'd decided to wait till the next night, when Oma and Opa would be there. In the late afternoon he asked me if I needed that special juice. I had no idea what he was talking about. After a few questions I realised he was reminding me about the lemon juice I had mentioned that morning!

Another example: I was taking a shower yesterday afternoon while Capt. Adorable watched television (Dinosaur Train) downstairs in the family room. While in the shower, I heard the bathroom door open. Capt. Adorable came in and asked me for gum. I told him that we "ate it all up" already, that we had the last pieces the other day. He said no, there was still some of that gum we had on the plane. Now, the gum he was talking about was what we had on the plane on the way to Florida for Thanksgiving on November 21. I repeated aloud that it was all gone...but then remembered that yes indeed there were a couple of pieces left but I had no idea where they were and that he'd have to wait for me to get out of the shower and find them. He left. I finished my shower and was drying myself off when he reappeared, hauling my heavy purse with him. A light bulb went off in my head--oh yeah, that cinnamon gum package was in the outer pocket of my purse! He was very pleased to get the gum and carried the purse away. It was back exactly where I left it when I came down.

I wonder if he will remind me to look for a CD of wolves howling and/or a DVD of a baby wolf next time we are the library. He's into wolves lately.

Happy Hannukah!

2010-12-05T22:56:00.000-05:00

Tonight is the fifth night of Hanukkah. So far our Hanukkah has been fraught with problems. Among the cooking trouble I've had, on the second night I started the latkes too late and then made it all worse by mistakenly thinking my food processor was broken which required me to grate the potatoes and onions by hand because I had no time to waste, seeing as I was already late getting started. The other two dishes were over cooked by the time the first batch of latkes was ready. It was a bit of a pitiful dinner, with only one parent at the table at a time. Captain Obvious cooked 90% of them and then I cooked the last few. His were better. (For an Irish boy he makes a mean latke. Oh, and falafels, too. And a great grilled pizza. Could he have been blessed with a recessive Mediteranean-cooking gene from somewhere a few generations back?)

At first, Captain Adorable was not been digging his presents. Look, there are 8 nights, so that's a lot of presents. We do one small one per night with maybe one bigger one on one night, usually towards the end. He's been expecting the stars and the moon and been getting little toys. If you know what I mean. :) He likes the gifts and has played , but is disappointed by them at the time he receives them, although he does play with them later. Ah, well. I finally decided to just tell him pretty much what the present was in store for that evening. I was trepidacious (not sure that's a word, sorry) about dropping the surprise element, but it is better this way because his expectations are more realistic and his appreciation of the gifts has become much greater.

But I have been enjoying Hanukkah with my son. I've learned some things while teaching him. Plus we've had a great time watching The Maccabeats sing Candlelight on youtube. I have a feeling I will know the thing by heart soon. 6 times today (all I would allow)! I love watching him pick out the candles for the menorah by himself. Last year I got some really beautiful candles on sale (similar to these if you are curious) and he enjoys being the one to pick out the colors and put the candles in the menorah prior to lighting them. I used be the one to pick out the candles and I loved doing that so of course I love to see my son loving the same thing.

My parents are coming on Tuesday and I am really looking forward to seeing them. I am planing two types of latkes (potato and apple) and contemplating a third (carrot latkes). I also look forward to their help in the kitchen and celebrating Hanukkah with them. Too bad we missed Sinterklaas. Next year.

By the way, I was thinking about something: in one week I called my son Shug (short for sugar of course), spoke Dutch to him, and celebrated Hanukkah. Am I just communicating my personal experience growing up the American South with a Dutch mom and a Jewish dad? Or am I a mish-mash poseur?

Snorkeling

2010-12-04T09:19:00.000-05:00

I was never all that keen on snorkeling (which I did for the first time when I was 23 or 24). I have only been a few times, both in the Florida Keys long ago and in Hawaii more recently. In Hawaii I got scared because I was so breathless and felt panicky about my ability to swim back to shore. I never went for long.

However, my dear little son, at the age of 3, not quite able to float on top of the water by himself yet, has just learned to snorkel. That life vest we bought for the boat was key for this experience. His father and his great-uncle taught him while we were in Florida celebrating Thanksgiving. Check it out!

November 24, 2010

Egg Nod

2010-12-03T21:08:00.000-05:00

In the grocery store this afternoon, Captain Adorable stands by the dairy case insisting that I stop shopping and listen to him. He says I promised to buy him "that stuff with sugar in it." I have no idea what he is talking about. I certainly did not promise to buy him anything with sugar. Then I remember, oh, perhaps he's talking about chocolate milk...but no, he isn't (and we just opened a container of it this morning). Then I suggest he means the low sugar juice drink I get him (not sweetened with sugar, but it is a sweet drink) but no, that's not it either and he's getting upset now. He is calmed by the fact that I am talking to him about what he wants but he is disturbed because I am turning the cart down the aisle in the other direction and he's still tugging on the handle of the dairy case.

Finally I realise that the only thing he could mean (being simultaneously sweet, located in the dairy case and not chocolate milk) is egg nog. Ah yes, now I remember that I did promise to buy egg nog! Once I suggest this, he happily agrees, "yes," nods emphatically and says, "egg nod." I put it in the cart.

Cousins

2010-11-30T20:39:00.000-05:00

I did not post during Thanksgiving week (third week of November) because I was in Florida, celebrating the holiday with my husband's family. It was a lot of fun! Mostly because we got to hang out with the family (who we do not see enough of), but also because there was a (heated) pool to play in. And a jet ski. Captain Adorable had a wonderful time being the center of attention, playing with his Grandpa and Lita, his great-aunts, great-uncles, and uncles.

However, the favorite of the week was his pretty cousin. She is about 21 or 22 and is tall and beautiful and is also good with kids and was willing to hang out with him. He met her on the first day we were there. We also met her boyfriend, a tall handsome young man who left to play golf. Hours later when we heard the boyfriend was coming back, Capt. Adorable became unhappy and upset, to the point that I asked the hostess to text her daughter to warn her that he might be difficult. That worry was averted when we left to go back to our hotel room before the two young people returned.

The next morning I moved from the roll away bed where I slept after Captain Adorable refused to the king sized bed to cuddle my captains for a few minutes. We were talking about the upcoming day and Captain Adorable asked about "that girl," pretending not to know her name because he liked her So Much. I said her name and we chatted about the things they had done together the day before. Then, because I wanted to prepare him, I mentioned that the boyfriend might be there again that day. Captain Adorable became upset, said he did not want that guy there and kicked, saying "let's send him back to golf!" Finally the kicking became so much that he kicked me right out of the bed! Later when I asked about it he said he kicked me out of bed because I said "bad things."

Later the boyfriend did show up and was very nice and played with Captain Adorable and everything was cool, though of course the pretty cousin was still the favorite.

Almost seems like a first crush, doesn't it?

Inspired By Watching A Cake Show

2010-11-29T10:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday the captains did yard work all day! There were a lot of leaves. I was inside, eating bonbons...ok not really, but I was relaxing on the couch, indulging in some television. In fact I was watching a cake show about various fancy bakeries making various fancy wedding cakes. Captain Adorable happened to come inside and I did not turn off the tv fast enough, so he got interested in the cake show. I turned off the sound and we talked about the show while it was on. There were cakes in all sorts of shapes, including one shaped like a big wheel of cheese.

Captain Adorable said he would like a cake shaped like a dinosaur--like a meat eating dinosaur. I asked what flavor the dinosaur cake should be. He replied it should be a meat cake. Through my laughter, I asked if he meant that it should be a meat-flavored cake and he said no, it should be made of meat! I thought this was hilarious and so he was even more inspired. By the end of our conversation he had clarified that he wanted a meat cake shaped like a meat-eating dinosaur made of meat from meat-eating dinosaurs!

More Work On The Foyer

2010-11-20T20:52:00.000-05:00

The paint has been finalized. Here you see Captain Adorable painting a piece of 2x4 while keeping his daddy company and Captain Obvious actually painting the trim. You can see the subfloor in these pics. Eventually the final coat was put on the wall and it all looks bright and beautiful in there!

A few minutes later he decided to paint his feet and all work was halted for the great wash down.

My darling husband, working hard as usual.

Last weekend, the new underlayment (1/4 plywood on top of the subfloor) was installed. With a (very) little help from me, the wood holder who doesn't actually hold the wood straight (sigh--I tried, I really did!). And today, Captain Obvious began installing the cork (floating floor)! There is still another day or so of work, but it is looking gorgeous so far.

Skid Loader

2010-11-20T19:54:00.000-05:00

We've never gone to a touch-a-truck event. I really wanted to go to a recent one but it took place during our last visit to Tennessee. Today we got to make up for that in a big way. A friend of mine has a landscaping/design business. Therefore, he has a skid loader. This afternoon we went by to visit and check it out. My friend hopped in, started it up and actually let Captain Adorable sit on his lap and DRIVE THE THING!

This photo is blurry because they were moving towards me!

Here again you can see that Captain Adorable is the one driving!

After Captain Adorable was finished, I got a turn (all by myself). It was cool but I think Capt. Adorable had more fun than I did.

Magical Words From My Son

2010-11-18T22:48:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I was racing around, all stressed out from half an hour plus on the phone trying to arrange dentist stuff and trying to get the house cleaned up in preparation for the cleaning lady's arrival. (She's only staying a certain period of time and I'd rather she spend that time cleaning than picking up.) I was also frustrated because Captain Adorable always turns into an insane rabid monkey when I am on the phone, sigh, so I had asked him to stay in his playroom while I finished on the phone. When I finished and called to ask him where he was, he informed me that he was in the bathroom on the toilet. I continued frantically stuffing things into the dishwasher (just getting them out of the sink so she can clean the sink and not the dishes). Some of the dishes, like wine glasses, are actually hand wash only, but I put them in there just to get them out of the way.

In my stress I broke a wine glass. Just by stuffing it in the dishwasher. Of course I exclaimed aloud (Oh no!) and of course my little captain called out, asking what had happened. When I told him I broke a glass he replied, "Everybody makes mistakes mommy. Its ok," and the proceeded to list all the people in his life who make mistakes (which is everyone of course). His calm, sweet encouragement was exactly what I needed. Hearing the words I have said so often to him (its ok, everybody makes mistakes; you have to make mistakes in order to learn) come back to me at a moment when I really needed encouragement was just, was just--magical.

Oh how I love that child!

Savor The Flavor

2010-11-16T14:56:00.000-05:00

My next CT scan is December 8. I am worried, but I am always worried about these things. I have been thinking about and planning for the future. At the same time I have this Big Worry Of Illness And Death with me, just beyond the edge of my peripheral vision...yet, this in-my-face mortality allows me to appreciate and enjoy this moment, right now (each moment), more than I would were it not there.

Over and over again, even when quite sad and scared, I recognize the beauty before me and within me. I use that recognition to comfort myself. Right now, outside my window I see the colors of of the light sky, dark holly leaves, yellow oak leaves, red maple leaves, green-yellow sassafras leaves. Right now, inside my head and my stomach, fear and sadness are on the brink of spreading. Must I deny either of these truths? Or can I hold both ideas at once? Can I feel the pleasure and pain of life together? Can I savor the flavor of duality?

Overwhelming Love/Luck/Blessings

2010-11-15T23:38:00.001-05:00

Over the past few days I have been reminded, yet again, of the overwhelming love/luck/blessings in my life. Just when I was feeling so down about the whole second baby no go thing. The universe (or whatever you chose to call it) has yet again shown me that I have a full life, abounding with love and happiness. Mine eyes shine with joy.

(If I tried to list all my blessings this post would never be over, but let me hit a few high notes...) I have lovely friends--old and new. I have a beyond-amazing child who returns every iota of my intense love for him and yet actively lives his own life. My marriage is overall great and currently at a particularly outstanding spot. My relationship with my parents is just, well, if you want evidence of how great it is, check out the photo in the previous post--who else among you makes art with her/his mother? Seriously. :)

Yesterday morning I was wiping the kitchen table after breakfast. My eyes wandered outside as they often do. My view was of trees and clear blue fall sky. I stopped to breathe and look; outside the leaves were floating down from their branches. I was transfixed, still, watching them falling slowly through that autumn morning. How blessed was I, in that moment, that eternal moment living in my memory, to just be there, being there. Bliss is that simple.

Top Coat

2010-11-14T22:02:00.000-05:00

My mom and dad are building a straw bale house. Not to live in; it is a guest house. It is taking far, far longer and much more money than either of them anticipated or imagined (in the third year now) but that's a story for another time. I have been helping a little here and there when we visit Tennessee. I know I have posted little bits about those times when I helped to sculpt the trees trunks and, more recently, the leaves. This evening I got an email from my mom with a few pics attached. One photo showed the wall with the white top coat. It is so beautiful and magical I have to share it with you. An image like this makes me think all the hard work and sacrifice are well worth the end result!

Pregnant Friend

2010-11-13T20:22:00.000-05:00

Today I baked scones and cheese straws in preparation for playing hostess this afternoon. Two friends I've known for 5 years (!) came over to my house for the first time. We had tea (I got to break out my beautiful fancy teapot and tea cups) and the aforementioned baked goods. It was a fun afternoon. :0 During the course of the visit it was announced that one of the friends is expecting a baby in June! I was very pleased to discover no anger or sorrow within myself. Maybe because I've been thinking and talking and writing about this so much I've gotten over it a little more?

Anyhow, a wonderful afternoon.

Why No Baby For Me

2010-11-12T22:22:00.000-05:00

So, I have cancer. Why does this prevent me from having a child?

1) We don't know if I can get pregnant or if my eggs are viable. Who knows if I can even have a baby. (Or whether my eggs are ruined by chemo and not capable of making a normal healthy child.

2) I have to have CT scans every 3-4 months. Can't have a CT scan when you are pregnant. I don't think the standard of care is to go 10 months without a CT scan. And what if I need chemo or surgery again?

3) My doctors tell me all the time that the cancer will come back. Do I want to go through the whole journey of fear and anger and sorrow and weaning again?! Do I want to put my health in (even more) danger?

4) Is it fair to my son and my husband for me to put my life on the line?

5) What would happen if we had two children and I died? (See number 4.) My husband feels he can handle one child but with two how could he afford the child care alone, much less college and retirement?

6) Let's pretend all the cancer stuff does not exist (haha wouldn't that be great?!). There are several other reasons that might prevent us from choosing, as a couple, to have a child. I prefer to keep those private.

So, dear blog readers, that's about as starkly unhappy as I've been in a post for a while. I hope to be able to soar beyond this as well, to remember (in this season especially) how grateful I am for my amazingly lucky life full of love, comfort, and (dare I say it) adventure.

7) This is the secret part that I don't allow myself to think about. So, not really secret. The chance of reoccurance is greatest within approximately 2 years after NED (no evidence of disease*), so maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe...

* The CT scans show a stable lesion in the apex of my left lung; no one knows if it is cancer or not without cutting me open (again). So we do not know if I am NED or not.

Babies Babies Everywhere

2010-11-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

It took a long time and to conceive our son. It was a year, actually. To make a long story short, we did all the stuff you are supposed to do and ended up seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist and doing all sorts of tests. That guy told us we had a 5% chance of conceiveing spontaneously (i.e. naturally) and we were preparing to start fertility drugs when (drum roll) we discovered I was pregnant. Oh we were so happy! I cannot tell you the joy of a much-longed for pregnancy! :)

But you know, while I was waiting for the proper time to try to get pregnant and then trying to get pregnant, I felt only joy when I heard the news that a friend was pregnant. I had a friend in law school who was unable to have children and she thought I was really weird for looking forward with anticipation at attending Ms. Breadwinner's baby shower. I tried to explain to the law school friend that I was so happy for my friend and that I was happy to be included in celebrating her pregnancy and that I looked forward to seeing my friend in a new role--as mother--and to watch her child grow. My law school friend said that she hated baby showers and did not like talking with pregnant women because it made her unhappy. I could not agree but could see her perspective.

And now? Oh my I would love to have another child. I can't describe how deeply I love my son and how that love makes me want another baby with my husband. However, as readers of this blog know, times have changed for me. Looks like my baby hopes will never come to fruition. I cannot even really allow myself to think about it much since it is a source of hard hard pain for me. I now feel sadness and even anger when I hear about someone else's pregnancy. Not for first children--just for the second and third babies. I also feel ashamed about these emotions, which makes it all worse.

Why? Probably because cancer has robbed me of this, too. Maybe because I hoped so much and had my hopes dashed. I've been having to confront this a few times lately because it seems that everyone is having another baby!

Ah, it is all so complicated. I could write pages and pages about this and still not feel I've really explained myself to myself and/or anyone else. But writing about it, even a little bit, helps.

Busy Few Weeks

2010-11-09T14:48:00.000-05:00

In the last few weeks we've been pretty busy but we've had a lot of fun. :) Here's a short summary of what we've been up to, with photos.

We attended the Rally For Sanity and/or Fear in Washington, D.C.

A couple of guys with funny costumes. Or were they ironic statements?

Me holding my little captain in the crowd.

The crowd, from where we were standing.

We dressed up for Halloween, attended a neighborhood party, and went trick-or-treating. (Captain Adorable and I attended several events this year--we got our money's worth out of the costume alright!)

On our way to the neighborhood party.

Look at that form as he reeeeaaaaches for the door bell. :)

The captains have been cleaning up lots of leaves from all the trees in our front yard.

Aren't they cute?

We had the boat taken out of water for winter storage.

It looks so tiny!

We worked on the continuing foyer renovations.

He works very hard and he's strong.

Photos From A Pumpkin Farm

2010-10-27T22:47:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday (yesterday) Capt. Adorable's preschool had a field trip to a local pumpkin farm.

First a walk in the little corn maze (not half as wonderful as the experience we had in the moon lit corn maze in Tennessee). But still pretty fun.

Oooh, a fallen corn stalk. Must put this to right.

Hey, check out that orange pumpkin in the foreground on the right.

Yep, it is partially rotten! Perfect for manual exploration! (My sweet MIL suggested that this photo indicates he will be an abdominal surgeon, haha!)

Climbing down from the cart with the big pumpkins. He needed a little help.

Into the hay pit we go. Of course there my little sweet darling turned out to be That Kid--you know, the one who throws hay in everyone else's face? Yeah. I took him out and we had a talk.

Walking to the car to get our snack, we see that the tractor pulling the hay cart (with bales covered in burlap--terribly civilized, unlike the Tennessee hayride where we sat right on the hay bales!).

Does this photo really need an explanation? :)

Boy with a basket the teacher brought. All the kids took a turn carrying it.

Maybe it wasn't Tennessee, but it sure was fun!

Drive Home

2010-10-27T22:31:00.000-04:00

Captain Adorable and I returned from a long, hard drive home on Monday night. With adults only in the car it is about an eight hour drive. Usually it is about ten hours with my little guy because we take more frequent (and longer) breaks. On Monday, however, it took almost twelve hours! It was a difficult drive because Capt. Adorable was very sad (very, very sad) to leave Tennessee. We had a lot of stops and a lot of requests for stops. Sigh. Next time I need to bring books again (did not have any this time, duh) and maybe try to get some audio books for him. I did have videos for him but they were short and I can't stop every 45 minutes to switch DVDs (though that is essentially what I ended up doing, ugh.

When we got home at 9:30 Monday night Capt Adorable was asleep. I carried him to bed and thought about how gorgeous he is. Then I went back down stairs and unpacked the car and carried the suitcase upstairs (difficult for me with my still subpar arm). And fed and watered the cats and all the other stuff that had to get taken care of. Sometimes I wish I were the child. ;)

Leaves, Short Cuts, and More!

2010-10-23T18:34:00.000-04:00

Captain Adorable and I are in Tennessee, visiting my dear parents for a week. We've had so many wonderful, fun adventures it is hard to remember them all, much less write about them! So far I helped my mom with the continuing work on the straw bale house by sculpting leaves (made of clay, well, really render which is a mixture of clay, sand, water, straw, and a few other things) on one of the walls of the living room. Last visit I helped by sculpting trees, so it was nice to finish them off with leaves this time. Tomorrow I plan to finish up some leaves in the bedroom.

Of course the leaves on the trees outside are gorgeous too! (But were beautiful in Maryland as well.)

Captain Adorable has been having more and more fun on the daily walks my parents take and has become enamored of short cuts. Of course his short cuts are not shorter at all, but are really more explorations into places off the path. :)

Today we went to a local fall festival. There was pumpkin decorating, a pony ride, a hot dog with mustard and ketchup, lots of old friends (hi! had no idea you were reading my blog, but glad to hear you are!), and more. Whew I am tired!

OK, time to go help mom cook dinner. More later and hopefully pics next time too.

Finally Found

2010-10-16T22:22:00.000-04:00

Several months ago I misplaced my engagement ring. It has been lost for probably six months now. I have a very specific memory of the moment I lost it. I was in the kitchen, preparing to cook something or do something that would make my hands wet. I have a particularly wide engagement ring and so getting water under it can be unpleasant. I often have to remove it and dry underneath to be comfortable (though perhaps that problem is over now...more on that later). I was going to put the ring on the ring holder in the little fold down thingy below the sink but decided not to because I never put it there. I put it in the other place, knowing that it would be safe.

Unfortunately, I could not remember where the safe place was. I have looked and looked and looked for this ring. I've spent hours going through the minutiae in the drawers of the kitchen, wet bar, and butler's pantry. No ring. When our wedding anniversary rolled around I became more disturbed and sad and frustrated, wanting to have it and wear it again. Another few hours searching and again disappointment.

This evening I was cold and put on a bathrobe I have not worn in a few months. A thick, warm, fleece bathrobe. At one point I stood up to look for the television remote (which is still missing), put my hands in my pockets and there I felt my sought-after ring! There was jumping and joy on my part (but not too loud since Capt. Adorable is in bed) and Capt. Obvious was quite pleased to see it and hold it again too.

I am so happy to have this little object back!!! Here's a photo of it I took soon after my then-fiance and now-husband gave it to me, eight years, six months, and nine days ago.

Seriously happy.

Three Ways To Play

2010-10-13T21:14:00.003-04:00

This morning a neighbor and her son dropped by on a quick errand that ended up in a much longer conversation (we were talking about the foyer facelift). Capt. Adorable had a nice little unexpected play time with her son (who is 5). Then we went (extremely late but better than not at all) to our friends' house for a scheduled play date. We had a great time, went for a nice long walk/bike ride and hit two playgrounds! This evening he biked (and I ran behind) to another neighbor's house to play with a group of kids, ranging in age from 5 to 9. Captain Adorable is quite a social guy!

In between all that we went to the local home store and bought 5 paint samples for the foyer, worked on the egg carton alligator (today was glueing and embellishment), watched Zaboomafoo, cooked and ate dinner, and read books for 45 minutes.

Letters On The Chalkboard

2010-10-12T22:28:00.002-04:00

Here's the more detailed version of the blog I wrote a few days ago, Capt. Adorable and I were on the porch; he was drawing on his chalkboard and I was reading. He had already painted a picture and was not interested in more painting, but went to play with the chalkboard. He called me over, "Look Mama, I made a T." I came to look and indeed, there was a T. I was quite impressed, but did not want to make a too-big reaction. He then wrote an O, which was cool of course but he's been doing that for ages now--since he was 22-24 months? Then he wrote what he told me was an A but it was clearly an H and I gently corrected him. He agreed, then wrote an X; then made a straight line which he told me was the number 1. These letters and the number were so very clear and confidently done! Inside I was jumping up and down! I texted Capt. Obvious immediately. I thought Capt. Adorable must have learned this at preschool.

I emailed the teacher to find out if they were practicing writing. The next day he wrote another T with his finger on the carpet. He made the center line first, then one side of the top bar and then the other side. Once I saw that I knew he had not learned it in school because in school they teach you to make the center line and then cross it in one step. Or they did when I was in school. ;) This morning the teacher and I had a long chat in which she told me that they were not doing writing, but that he was one of the few kids in the 3-4 class to ever explore the writing center (but he's not there everyday or anything). She also told me that this was developmentally right on time. And of course I looked it up for myself and he is indeed right on the button, developmentally speaking. (So, not a super genius to anyone but his parents and maybe grandparents.)

But I'm still excited!

Respect and Accept

2010-10-12T22:05:00.001-04:00

Recently a friend of mine called to tell me some news which made me think, again, about helping others with cancer. She called to tell me that her mother had just been diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. She was calling to talk, mainly; to confide in and ask for help from the one person who would understand. At first of course I recommended second opinions and not making any fast decisions. Then as I listened more to my friend, I understood that her mother would not be seeking any of that. She is one of those people who just do what the doctor says (her words).

You may remember an incident that I wrote about in this blog; I really wanted to help a young woman who had been diagnosed with colon cancer and she did not want my help. It was very difficult for me to take. I shed tears and agonized for quite a while. But this experience prompted me to change my advice to my friend and I told her that whatever happens, she must remember that this is her mother's cancer and these are her mother's decisions. Yes, she should do the research and the reading so that she can help if asked, but that she should try to accept what her mother chooses because these are her mother's choices to make. Sometimes (maybe most of the time) the most help one can give is to listen and respect, not to rush in and save the day.

(Oh, and pay for a house cleaning service. Absolutely key!)

Foyer Facelift In Progress

2010-10-11T11:23:00.000-04:00

We have been in our new house for almost a year now (about eleven and a half months). This house needs lots of cosmetic work (the paint colors the former owners chose were all dark and dark and more dark) and some more serious stuff too, sigh but that's another story.

Since we've moved in, we have (and when I say "we," I really mean my dear dedicated Captain Obvious) been fixing and painting room by room, making it much more attractive. Right now the foyer is getting a facelift. Here is a before picture. You see both grey and white on the walls now; neither of those will be the final color. The grey is the color the previous owners chose.

We had the front door replaced a few months ago (water damage and also it was UGLY). Here is a photo of the old door followed by one of the new door.

Now we are working on the rest of the room. First the drippy ceiling (acoustic? patterned? I don't know what it is called, but it is not attractive!) get sanded. This does not make it completely flat, but it is flat enough. Once painted white, (it was painted beige? or was it just dirty?) the now much flatter texture is almost invisible. Because of the sanding, everyone working in the room has to wear eye, nose, and ear protection. Here's a pic of Captain Obvious after sanding; here he has removed his protective wear.

We are also removing the old tile floor and replacing it with a cork floating floor. Here is Captain Adorable in his protective gear and hard at work.

I worked on sanding the banister. Of course I was (as usual) the one holding the camera, so here's a pic of my hand.

Capt. Obvious is working hard on all the preparation required before painting the walls. (The previous owner of the house used a paint brush, not a roller, to paint the walls! and he was the sloppiest painter in the world. Nasty paint drips everywhere! The drips have to be sanded down the the dents have to be filled in.) I am working on picking out a paint color. This is very difficult since there are so many criteria that have to be accounted for. First, both adults in our family have to like it. Second, it has to go with the door and the floor. Third, it has to go with the paint of the hall, the dining room, and the playroom, since all those rooms are visible from the foyer. Fourth, it has to go well with the rooms upstairs since one of the walls of the foyer extends into the upstairs hall. So in order to pick paint for the foyer I have to pick paint for the entire house! Not an easy task. I've put a lot of thought into it already.

And no, white is not an option. :P

And yes, I am aware that I could have worse problems than picking the perfect paint color!

He Likes It

2010-10-07T21:44:00.000-04:00

I guess I wrote about the introduction of preschool into our lives but I have not followed up yet. Captain Adorable likes preschool. He no longer complains about going to school on school days. In fact, he finds it difficult to eat breakfast because he is so excited about going! When we arrive I have trouble keeping up with him as he power walks from the car to the door of the school. He is excited to see his teacher and her assistant. He has one particular friend, but seems to like all his classmates.

I do not know whether this is related or not, but this afternoon we were outside on the porch together (beautiful weather today!) and he bgan writing letters on his chalkboard. Now, he has been writing the letter O for a loooong time (O is for Opa!), but he has never written any others. Today he wrote a T, then summoned me to have a look. While I stood next to him, he quickly wrote an O, then an H, and then an X! And also the number 1! Could this be something they are doing in school? If so, COOL!

Help From A Friend

2010-10-05T10:28:00.003-04:00

Under the down comforter, I cannot sleep.

I can and do think of many people and events. I review things I should not review because I need to sleep. I listen to my son snore from his room, which adjoins mine; the french doors between are always open. My husband sleeps alone in the guest room, both to avoid my snot-induced snores and to spare me his. Yet without his comfortable slow breathing I cannot fall asleep.

I stick my hand out from under the covers and brush my index and middle fingers together. A faint sound in our big house. I am calling my friend, my big furry cat Trout. A few minutes wait and he jumps onto the bed. He seems a bit grumpy; has probably been woken up by my call, quieter than a whisper though it was. And my dear cat lies down next to me and purrs.

And purrs. And purrs.

His purr is a delicate silken courderouy. The sound is accompanied by a barely perceptible (or perhaps imagined?) vibration through the mattress, the touch calming me. A sound to calm and comfort me. I melt into sleep.

So (Not) Romantic

2010-09-27T21:00:00.000-04:00

At dinner this evening, Capt. Obvious asked Capt. Adorable if he knew what tomorrow was. Of course Capt. Adorable did not know, so Capt. Obvious explained that tomorrow is our eighth wedding anniversary. I think he said something like, "tomorrow is the day Mommy and I got married eight years ago." Capt. Adorable responded, "What is married?" Capt. Obvious' replied, "Married is when Mommy and I decided to be legally bounded (I think he meant bonded?) to one another and the take advantage of the tax benefits." While I was rolling my eyes Capt. Adorable asked where he was and I was able to inject some love into the conversation by telling him, "you were in my heart and in Daddy's heart."

Well, I suppose he was trying to be romantic. Just didn't exactly translate... :)