Transitions

I am transitioning from working at the complex job of being a stay at home parent and all that includes, to working as an attorney. The idea is that I work part time--that I can still put my child first. The reality is that often at 10:00 at night I am at my computer. I don't work part time; I just delay part of my work day until the evening, when the child is asleep. I'm not complaining, just noting.

Captain Obvious is transitioning from being a fully supported work-outside-the home person to providing more support to me, and to Captain Adorable. We want Capt. Adorable to have a parent put him on the school bus and a parent pick him up--either one is fine--a parent at both ends of the school day.

We haven't got it all figured out yet. Often there are unpleasant surprises (having to cook dinner after working all day) or just unmet expectations because they remained unspoken for whatever reason. No one is being bad; we're just transitioning, and it is difficult right now. We'll get it worked out, with love and good humour, and the willingness to accept our own mistakes and each other's.

I was recently speaking with a dear person who has cancer and who is making a transition--the one from having a life expectancy of years to having a life expectancy of a few weeks or days. My dear friend is also not making the transition well, so far. Sometimes it is impossible to see what is staring one right in the face. Like all transitions, it is difficult and the person doesn't have it all figured out yet. It will get worked out, with family and friends giving love and good humour, and willingness to accept whatever comes next.

Height of Fall

This week we are in the height of fall. The sky is so blue and the leaves are so red and yellow and orange. Yesterday I took away the left-over jack-o-lanterns we carved and watered the bright yellow and burnt red chrysanthemums. The geese fly overhead, calling out to each other as they go.  The sound of the leaves touching down on the lawn as the wind brushes them from the branches. My fingers wrapped around the rake. Captain Adorable jumping into the pile of leaves I've collected.

Downhill Bike Riders

Over the weekend the our little family joined Captain Obvious' father, aunt, and brother for a ride on part of the Great Allegheny Passage. We rode bikes downhill for about 25 miles--from Deal, Maryland (a bit north of Frostburg) to Cumberland, Maryland. It took several hours (which is what happens when you go "grandpa-speed," a phrase Captain Obvious coined). I enjoyed myself thoroughly! It was an adventure, but not too strenuous or demanding. It was beautiful--the fall colors, the sweeping views, the novelty of the tunnels and train tracks. We put coins on the tracks for the trains to drive over and flatten. Captain Obvious found some railroad spikes and we took one of those home--Captain Adorable is taking the flattened coins and the railroad spike to school today to show his class.

The constant slight downhill slope made it possible to almost not pedal at all, and we could do little tricks on our bikes--riding with one's legs in lotus position with feet together on the cross bar of the bike, standing up with both feet on one pedal, standing on the cross bar, bent over to reach the handlebars, and some other ones. Captain Obvious and I discovered we could ride very close to each other--with our arms around each other and snuggle. We did this a few different times, and the last time, my handlebar got tangled up with his or something, his brake handle got squeezed, and down we went--crash! I ended up on the bottom--he landed on me! I had a scraped knee and hurt my already-hurt ankle somehow. But I thought the whole thing was beyond hilarious and laughed my head off.

Also, after a couple hours or so of riding, Captain Adorable got really bored and grumpy, refusing to stop and wait with the group when we stopped for one reason or another. He just wanted it over at that point. Captain Obvious came up with a great idea (followed the example of his father and his aunt) and gave Captain Adorable his iPhone and headphones so he could listen to an audiobook (one of the Septimus Heap series). That cheered him right up and he happily pedaled along with the group, now going grandpa speed.

Biking the Great Allegheny Passage

The next day some of us had sore bums and some did not, but we were all happy with our downhill biking adventure. Hopefully we can do another family bike trip sometime soon.

Cow's Milk and Snot

I have read/heard for a long time that drinking and eating dairy (cow's milk and its products) can cause people to produce more snot. Now, I have nothing really scientific to back this up, but it is something I've heard often.

Capt. A often snores if he is even the slightest bit snotty, to the point that I ended up taking him to an ENT to see if there was any type of obstruction in his throat/nose or if there was a tonsil problem. After three visits and a couple of hearing tests (his ears are fine), there's nothing wrong with my boy and no fix to the snot/snoring problem except squirting some drug up his nose, which I don't want to do, he hates and he experienced diarrhea the only two times he ever used it (the doctors say this is impossible, but it did happen, so what am I supposed to do? Just ignore that?).

So, what to do? Seems pointless to take him back. But he does snore (which means he has a lot of snot) often, and he does get ear infections kind of often...how can I reduce this snot?

I decided to try reducing his dairy intake. I'm not cutting it all off, just not putting a milk box in his lunch everyday, not offering cheese with dinner/lunch, not providing yogurt as a breakfast or snack. He likes almond milk, he prefers to eat cinnamon raisin (whole wheat) bread for breakfast anyway(slathered with butter), has juice boxes or water for lunch, and doesn't miss the cheese. On the other hand, if we are out somewhere and he wants a quesadilla I let him have it. You see what I am getting at? Reducing but not cutting off completely.  (Of course I am no longer consuming dairy products of any kind, as noted in an earlier blog entry, but I do not expect my Captains to comply with my dietary choices.)

So back to the snot: its been almost 2 weeks. Greatly Reduced Snot. No more snoring. Hasn't been sick...so far anyhow.

We will see...

Grump, Grump, Grumpy

For the last few weeks we've had an attitude problem in our house. Captain Adorable has been grumpy, disrespectful, contrary, and difficult. He's been pitching a fit whenever he doesn't get his way. I've been responding with little to no patience and understanding and my frustration level through the roof at the first sign of trouble. As I am sure you can imagine, things have not been going well. In fact, we even got a note home from Captain Adorable's teacher, asking us to speak to him about his behavior in the classroom, saying that he needed to calm down, stop falling out of his chair, leaning over the girl seated next to him, and listen and follow directions. This about my super-well-behaved rule-following child, who picks his friends based on whether or not they get in touble (he hates getting in trouble)! We had a long talk about this and he straightened up--the teacher sent home a Happy-Gram to tell him and us that he had done a good job of behaving well in class after that.

Yesterday, after another series of frustrated exchanges, I finally realized what the problem is. My fractured ankle has stopped all exercise for me and for him. That is the one big change in our lives (yes, lots of other changes--him starting school, me working more) but the one really big change is that instead of daily exercise in the form of walking, running, or riding bikes, now we do nothing. I know the lack of exercise makes me grumpy and on top of that, it is difficult for me to fall asleep, which leaves me tired and therefore even more grumpy the next day. I now understand that the lack of exercise is affecting him, too. He went from riding 2-3 miles per day on his bike, in addition to maybe a walk or other activity to no activity to speak of. We've got the no-exercise-grumps!

Now that I understand what is going on, I can try to fix it. I will do the arm exercise DVD my darling mom loaned me and I have not even tried(!) with him this afternoon. I will encourage him to ride his bike...somehow...I will come up with a solution.

Can't wait to be back to normal. Heal, ankle, heal!

A Few Bits From The Last Few Days

Captain Adorable's vocabulary is expanding again. We've been reading Cornelia Funke's Ghosthunters series to him (we're on book 2, The Gruesome Invincible Lightning Ghost). Yesterday, when  commenting on a stinky fart, he declared it was "ghastly". Quite an excellent pun, I thought! Especially for a six year old!

The follow up appointment for my ankle is on Wednesday. It still hurts and I am expecting that I will have to wear the boot for longer. I am quite sad about this, as it is incredibly inconvenient and , of course my ankle hurts. In addition, the weather is cooling, which is great, but I am worried about how I will wear fall clothes (pants) with the boot. I don't want to incorporate my boot into a Halloween costume!

I have gone vegan. My brother's wife suggested that I read The China Study recently. I had seen Forks Over Knives but did not change anything in my diet. Reading the book, however, has inspired me quite a lot. I do not want my cancer to come back, and I believe the diet advocated in The China Study will help to prevent cancer growth in my body. Plus there are many other health benefits which I want for myself and my family. Next CT Scan is Jan. 4, 2013.

Building a law practice takes a lot of work! Some of it is fun, though, especially helping friends.

Fortieth Birthday

My birthday was over the weekend. I am 40 years old now! And so pleased to be! What a joy to celebrate living and growing older! Surrounded by family, friends old and new, and neighbors, we ate and drank and talked and played despite the heat/humidity.

I've survived for (almost) 6 years after my initial diagnosis. I am blessed by the people in my life, by the community where I live, and by my own desire to communicate and explore. I am building a new venture. I am planning new experiences (biking!). I am living a beautiful, beautiful life.

Words have power, and I want to use my words to give credit to the ones I love:
My darling Captain Obvious worked so hard for me--setting up my party and working hard to host everyone despite being sick--he shows me his deep love with the time and effort he spends on me and on us.

My beloved Captain Adorable is reaching out, confident enough to ignore his family and yet remaining close and showing a strong protective instinct.

My fantastic Mom and Dad, traveling all the way to Maryland (yet again) to share their time, love, experiences, and ideas and their constant willingness to work! helping us to prepare.

And all the friends who came and celebrated with me. It means so much to see your smiling, sweating faces. And to the family and friends who could not attend, so sent their birthday greetings and love.

Avulsion Fracture

On Monday morning I went for a bike ride with Captain Adorable. He's been biking with me while I walk/run for a while now. It isn't a fast ride, but he bikes about 2.5 miles a few mornings a week. I have been trying to build up my stamina and breathing and I can run (slowly) for 20 minutes straight now, but on Monday I rode my bike too. He wanted to show me a secret path, so we rode to a field, parked our bikes off the road, and walked into the woods. The path went to the top of a cliff which overlooks the creek our marina is on, so every time we go out on the boat we pass by the spot where we were standing. It was a lovely view. On the way back to the bikes, back in the field, I accidentally stepped in a hole and turned my ankle. I thought I heard a crack. It hurt a lot, but I had to get on my bike, ride home, change clothes, and take Captain Adorable to the pediatrician.

I discovered that walking down stairs hurt a lot, but my ankle wasn't swollen much. I limped around and got us to the appointment on time. Captain Adorable was diagnosed with pink eye. I had several other errands that day, and at some point decided to call my doctor to see if I could get an appointment. They fit me in right away. The doctor examined me and sent me for an x-ray. I had the x-ray but Captain Adorable and I were hungry, so we left immediately after. I was assured by the doctor and the x-ray technician that if anything showed up, they'd call me. No one called that afternoon or evening.

Tuesday came and went with no call.

Wednesday morning my doctor called with the news that I had actually fractured my ankle. I went to an orthopedist in the afternoon and now I have a big black boot to wear for 4-6 weeks.

It is really more a ligament injury than a bone injury. When I rolled my ankle, the ligament pulled two fragments of bone off! So, the treatment is immobilization and rest. Of course Captain Adorable thinks my boot is wonderful and doesn't understand why it would interfere with walking.

After Cancer Blues

I just read this great blog entry about the after cancer blues and thought I should share it here. I guess I knew other people have this last ing fear too but reading about it makes me feel validated. For what its worth, here is how I have responded to the five things suggested on the blog:

1) Know you're not crazy.
OK, well maybe I am crazy (haha), but not because of being sad about cancer. I think that often people with cancer feel they have to be strong and cheerful all the time, even giving themselves the responsibility for making the cancer grow if they think negative thoughts! In my opinion, it is important to be gentle with one's self, to allow oneself to feel all the emotions that go with cancer diagnosis, treatment, and survivorship.

2) Find support
I sought grief counseling and benefitted greatly from that experience. I recommend finding support to all cancer survivors (meaning the family of a person with cancer also).

3) Go for a run
I took up walking in an effort to lose some of the weight I gained during chemo. About 2 years ago, I was inspired by a trip to Madrid, where my brother and his family lived at the time and all the walking they did, and I've been walking and running every since. I am doing a Couch to 5K program (which is pretty challenging for a person missing almost an entire lung) for the second time now--maybe this time I will make it to running a 5K. :)

4) Use your experience
I may or may not have mentioned that I volunteer with Imerman Angels as a mentor for others who have recently gotten a cancer diagnosis. I also email and talk with people who find me in different ways. I suppose I could do more, though.

5) Give yourself a day...or month...or year.
Yes, yes. I am still doing this. Maybe this blog is part of giving myself support and time and understanding as well.

A Week Alone

Captain Obvious is coming home today and tomorrow we are going to go pick up Captain Adorable. Capt. Obvious was in Australia for a meeting where he presented a paper. We had hoped I'd be able to go with him but it didn't work out. Capt. Adorable is in Tennessee spending his annual week with Oma and Opa.

I missed both of them terribly and I long to have them back home. At the same time, I noticed how clean the house is--amazing! I clean it and it stays clean! It feels so lonely at night when I go to bed. I barricade myself into the bedroom each night because it makes me feel safe. I bought a game for myself (play on the PS3) and have had a wonderful time playing it and watching Downton Abbey because I don't have to take anyone else's preferences into account.

I hosted an impromptu get-together for a few friends from my neighborhood. Which was such fun that I really hope we do it again. It was so easy to host with no worries about planning around my beloveds.

I've also been working. Not as much as I should have, but hours each day. Now that I think about it, I've done work for three clients and one potential client this week. OK, so I'm not making any money (in fact the practice is still in the red) but wow, four clients seems pretty good!

Summer: Travels, Work

As we approach the last week of July I am amazed at how fast the summer has gone. I remember how slowly time seemed to pass when I was a child. I wished then I could speed it up and of course now I wish I could slow it down.

So far this summer I drove with Captain Adorable and Captain Obvious to Tennessee. While where we visited my parents and Captain Obvious and I attended a friend's wedding. After some thought, I decided to take Capt. Adorable and drive to Atlanta to visit my brother, his wife, and their children for a couple of days. My brother and his family have been living in Europe, and we hadn't seen them since last summer's vacation in Croatia. I got to meet my little new niece, who I will call Birdie because she chirps like a bird. She was 3 and a half months old when I met her and oh what a wonderful sweet baby. 

We visited the Atlanta children's museum, called Imagine It!, which was fun but not as wonderful as Port Discovery in Baltimore. We also visited the Atlanta Botanical gardens, which were fantastic! I'd really like to go there again next time we visit Atlanta.

Then we drove to Chapel Hill, North Carolina, met up with Captain Obvious who was there for work, stayed the night, and drove home the next morning. It was quite a relief to be back home after all that driving! 

The day after we got home I attended a day-long seminar on hanging out a shingle which was very informative. Then one day off, then Monday rolled around and Captain Adorable had a (second) week at camp. While he was at camp I dove into my computer (worked from the minute I got home from dropping him off till I had to leave to pick him up) for a couple of days for one client, and then worked at a less feverish pace doing research and developing documents for other areas of my practice.  I am learning a lot and get a lot of satisfaction out of what I am doing.

I hope there are some lazy days this summer, too. Maybe in August. ;)

A high school acquaintance/friend of mine just contacted me to let me know she had been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer with metastasis to the liver.  We exchanged a bunch of emails; I've been thinking about cancer and reactions to diagnosis for the last few days. 

What a beautiful life I lead. What a lucky/blessed person I am.

Next CT in Six Months

The news is: the CT scan yesterday was clear, according to the preliminary report. I will get the full report in a few days along with a CD containing my scan. I order one every time so that if I ever need to send it off to some other medical facility it will be easy for me to accomplish.

It was a stressful day, yesterday. The effects of the prednisone (makes me eat more, sleep less, and be super emotional and aggressive--everything becomes an emergency to me) make an already stressful situation much harder.

For example: I had gotten confused about the appointment time and arrived 2 hours early. This made me stressed out as it was very important to me and to Captain Adorable that I was on time to pick him up from camp (and not have him go to after-care). I ended up having to just let Captain Obvious deal with the issue because I was way too wound up about it, even breaking into tears in the lobby. Fortunately everything worked out.

Next time I go for a scan I will have a new doctor (new fellow). Which is good. I give myself a gold star everytime I out last a fellow. This new one will be my fourth.

Along with my happiness there is also sadness and loss. I still long for another child. Sometimes the feeling fades and sometimes it comes rushing back, large and in color. Yesterday it came back. Today I am recovering. For the next few days I am recovering... Why is it that, when I have so much, when I am so rich, so lucky, with a full life and a full heart and the best possible outcome I could have imagined, surrounded and supported by my beloved family and dear friends, why do I still yearn for this child who does not exist?

First Week of Summer Vacation 2013

Captain Adorable is no longer a kindergartener; the last day of school was on June 14. This last week, his first week of summer vacation has been fun. Its been good getting used to having him with me all the time again, though there have been a few moments of frustration for me and boredom for him because of trying to balance my new work obligations with his desire to be entertained. I want to be with him and play and read and go for adventures all day long, but I had clients to meet, so preparation work before, and follow up work after. I'm making it sound like a big deal, but it wasn't that bad. At home, he played with his legos more than ever before (and did a few experiments with them, including freezing a bunch of lego guys together!) and looked at things through his microscope. He wrote in his journal several times. I took him on several adventures, including swimming at the neighbor's pool, to a walking and biking (5.74 miles!) at a large local park, and of course the three of us went sailing last night--a moonlight sail to look at the supermoon.

Here are photos of a few of the adventures this week.

Frozen lego guys

Dip in the pool

Walk by the water in the park

Supermoon rising over the water as sun sets 

Wind, waves, and supermoon

Just when I've gotten used to being together with my smart, funny, creative, sweet boy, he's off to day camp next week. I'll miss him but I'll get a bunch of work done and I'll exercise everyday!

Craters on the Moon

Last weekend we sailed to the the Rhode River to anchor and spend the night. It was a beautiful day--and lovely weather. The sky was blue and the wind was good. The three of us were together. We saw an osprey carrying a fish in its talons. We looked for jellyfish and saw none. We counted cargo ships anchored in the Bay. I asked Captain Adorable if he could see the moon. He replied, "Yes, I see it. I see craters. They are very small, but on the moon they are very large."

My next CT scan is on Wednesday. As I get closer to it, I wonder if it will turn out to be a small crater or a large one.

My Very Own Law Firm

For a while now I've been moving towards working for pay outside the home. My chosen profession, as you know, is practicing law. For the past few months, I've been doing pro bono work through a couple of local charities to get a taste for how to juggle work and personal life, and have found the adjustment to be challenging but doable.

On Monday, June 3, 2013 I opened my very own law firm. This is wonderful and exciting and scary too. Despite the fact that I am working out of our house for now, starting a law firm requires a large outlay of money up front, and there are no paying clients yet. These are early days...I have clear goals and many hopes for my firm.

My main goal is to have a fulfilling job that allows me to make a difference in the world and at the same time be present and available for Captain Adorable (I figure Captain Obvious can mostly take care of himself at this point haha).

In other news, Captain Adorable played lacrosse this spring, and despite him being one of the youngest on the team (he's only in kindergarten after all), he was invited to represent our sports organization as a member of a team that travelled to a tournament in another county. The tournament team he was on played very well and won both of their games by a solid margin (there is no official score keeping).

There is one more week of school after this one, and then he will be finished with kindergarten. Summer stretches out before us with the promise of swimming pools, sailing, camp, a trip to Oma and Opa's house, and playing outside with friends. Too bad he's sick right now! Yet another nasal infection that turned into an ear infection, ugh. This infection had a result we've not seen in the previous ones--the pressure in his ear got so bad the eardrum was perforated. It hurt him quite a lot! :( He missed two days of school already this week but (fingers crossed) tomorrow he can attend, which makes us both happy.

Adventures with Clifford

Captain Adorable's class recently finished a unit on plants. Among other learning projects, they planted green beans and brought the seedlings home at the end of the unit. We transplanted the seedling into a bigger pot so it could grow bigger and maybe even produce green beans. (Which is ironic for me to put all this care into a green bean plant as I am a life-long green bean hater.)

You may notice a red stuffed toy dog in these photos. The kindergarten class has this dog, "Clifford" and each child gets to bring it home for a few days. Each family is supposed to take photos to put in a book and write about the adventures the child had with Clifford. The adventures are mostly things like "We went to my brother's hockey practice," and "We ate ice cream together," but some are more exciting. For example, the teacher had Clifford first, and she took him on a ski trip! Capt. Adorable had Clifford for an extra long time because he had an extra cool adventure to share! His uncle got tickets to see the Capitals play the Rangers in playoff game #2 from a box at the Verizon Center! Capt. Adorable was really excited and asked his teacher for permission keep Clifford long enough to take him along to the match.

The funny thing is, Capt. Adorable became a Rangers fan that night. He went to the game as a Caps fan but felt so sorry for the Rangers, who were playing an exciting game in an arena full of loud, enthusiastic Caps fans all wearing red (the Rangers' color is blue), that he switched teams to give the Rangers some encouragement, cheered for them and was angry when the Caps won!

Wake Up Mama

Captain Adorable almost always wakes up before Captain Obvious and me. He runs into our room via the connecting french doors and wakes me with a gentle kiss and a declaration of love (ok, I do hear his footsteps before I feel the kiss on my cheek). Then I pull back the covers and he climbs in to bed with me to snuggle. If I have to be woken up, this is definitely a good way to wake up!

The other morning he kissed me and said "I love you more than chocolate chip cookies!"

Overheard...

Yesterday after we had a family after dinner stroll to the marina and back (approx 4/10 of a mile) Captain Obvious gave Captain Adorable a piggy back ride on the way home. Capt. Adorable was in a silly mood (read: tired) and was looking for something to giggle about. I was walking ahead of them, only sort of listening to the silliness. Then I heard Captain Adorable say, "Oops. Where'd that gum go?" And then I started laughing so hard I could barely walk.

Fortunately the gum must have just fallen on the sidewalk, not in Capt. Obvious' hair. Which is a good thing.

Banana Knights

After he got home from school yesterday, Captain Adorable was playing with his knights. I usually don't pay much attention to what he is playing as his games are all variations on the theme of good guy versus bad guy/bad guy becomes good guy. Anyhow, then I noticed he was playing at the table with his knights and some of them were in an interesting jail.

You can see a pumpkin seedling at the top of the first photo. We had to thin out many of them from one of the raised beds and he wanted to take a few to school. His class is doing a unit on plants and he wanted to share the seedlings because they still had the seeds on--thus showing that the plants emerged from those seeds. Looking forward to hearing what happened when he gets home this afternoon.

Been watching some videos and looking at photos from years ago, when Capt. Adorable was a little guy. He was so beautiful and so sweet. I am so lucky to have had such a child. And oh I wish ... sigh, I wish ... I wish ..........

Pie and Scones

There was another luncheon for teachers and staff at Captain Adorable's school. This time it was a breakfast-at-lunch theme and I made scones and savory pie. Of course there are many other contributors--people made quiche and other breakfasty/lunchy dishes.

Of course I had to make 2 pies because Spinach-Broccoli Ricotta Pie is one of Captain Adorable's favorite meals. (He even asked me to make it for his birthday dinner one year.) Captain Obvious was off on a sailing trip with his father and two brothers, so the pie I kept at home (made with all organic ingredients) was a special treat just for my beloved child and me. (The pie I sent to school was not decorated.) Here are some photos.

Ready for the oven (our pie).

Ready to eat.

Ready for the oven (teachers' pie).

Cooling on the counter. The pretty edge did not show after baking.

I also made Cream Scones With Currants--a most traditional scone. Delicious! Look, I had to taste test them ... ok I admit it; I ate more than one!

Ready to cut into individual scones.

Pop them in the oven!

On the cooling racks.

Did not get specific feedback this time, but I know the school staff enjoyed their lunch. And I enjoyed cooking for them.