Tired

I am very tired today. I've had two 2-hour naps! Both were essentially at the same time that Captain Adorable was having a nap, so it worked out well for both of us. Of course, he naps in the stroller while my Mom pushes him around the lake and I napped in the glider and then the bed I've been sleeping while he gets use to not nursing at night.

In addition to being tired, I am also flushed in the face and neck/décolletage area. I guess that is from the steroids? I don't really know. I also have had some heartburn, which is no fun, of course, so Captain Obvious looked it up to see if it was a symptom that had to be reported and it was not. We did see, however, that cleaning the mouth after each meal, at bedtime, and upon rising is recommended. I have not been doing this, and it seems to be important to avoid mouth sores. So, after dinner tonight I brushed and rinsed with my alcohol-free mouth wash (as recommended). Hopefully I can avoid those mouth sores because they do not sound pleasant.

I am once again in the position of being too tired/weak to hang out with my baby very much. Of course he is well cared for by my Mom and by Captain Obvious, but it is yet another bit of pain to have this interaction taken from me as well. Of course, I do interact with him, even feed him and hold him and so forth, but just no as much as I would do if I were not exhausted.

When we left the hospital on Saturday the (very kind) oncology nurse told me she had put me down as a maybe for Monday to come in for more fluids. I do not want to go in! So I've been trying to make sure to get enough water/liquid in today. When I woke up, water tasted salty, so that was unpleasant. I drank mint tea (also supposed to reduce milk output) instead.

I have a clogged breast. I pump off a half an ounce or so every few hours to help with the pain. I also apply warmth and did some massage in a nice warm shower. I am now trying cabbage leaves. I hope the cabbage leaves help...the only thing I know for certain that would help is nursing and of course there is NO WAY I would do that, with all this poison in my milk!

My engagement and wedding ring are still lost. Capt. Obvious tried opening up the drain under my sink to see if it was in there, but no luck. I miss my rings a lot, so I sure hope they re-appear soon. I know they are in the house somewhere...probably in some safe place I put them.

Good news: Captain Adorable is eating much much better than in the past. For the last two days he has eaten 3 to 4 four-ounce baby yogurts per day, so I guess we're getting closer to that pediatrician recommended 16 ounces of milk per day (be it dairy, rice, almond, mama's milk).

Chemo Is Hard

Chemo was no fun yesterday. Thank goodness I had a kind person to accompany me and tell me stories to distract me. Captain Obvious showed up at about 1:00, so it was nice to have both of them for a while. Even met a nice woman who was there with her step-mother, who was getting chemo.

Capt. Adorable had a sad/bad night. Ate almost 8 ounces of yogurt this morning, so that's good. He's staying home with my Mommy while Captain Obvious and I go back to the hospital for more fluids, since I am feeling so bad.

Bad Day: Bad Mood

The baby was pretty good at sleeping without me last night, but did cry several times. He was in a bad mood today and wouldn't eat lunch. He was unhappy all afternoon. I finally decided to give him a bath in the hope thst this would distract him from his unhappiness and help him to sleep. I even put a few drops of my precious sandalwood oil in the water because I thought the scent would add to the relaxation experience. He was very happy watching the bathtub fill up and was pleased to get into the water; I got into the water with him (with a tee-shirt on to make sure he did not get tempted to nurse by seeing/feeling boobies). It was nice to be in the warm water together. I thought he was relaxed enough to fall asleep in bed with me (I badly badly need sleep too) but he only cried as soon as his body touched the mattress.

It was clear that I was going to have to try something else, so I took him downstairs to the glider. I was able to rock/sing him to sleep in the chair but he cried to sleep. Once I was sure he was asleep I transferred us both to the couch and was able to nap with him. The poor darling began to cry as soon as he woke up. I tried to sing to him to calm him down while rocking in the chair again, but my own exhaustion made it very difficult for me. Thank goodness my Mom was here to help me get him out of his sorrow. And that's what it is--you can hear it in his cries. He is sad. I am sad. I hate this so much.

Fortunately, he did eat after the nap. He ate a lot! He took an entire cup of soup! Then he ate some crunchy things (Veggie Booty) which I offered him until he would not take anymore. He refused the squash/carrots I offered, so even though I would have liked him to eat something more nutritious, the Veggie Booty is better than nothing. We also gave him more to eat (wilted spinach leaves, cauliflower, and organic chicken) at dinner time a couple of hours later. I even offered more soup to make sure he got his fill since I know that bedtime is going to be hard and maybe it will be easier for him if his belly is full...I can't stand the thought of all the suffering he is going through because of my cancer. This sucks.

In other news, my haircut is awful. In the salon, I looked through some books and pointed out a cut I liked to the hairdresser. She pointed out one she liked. The cut she gave me is neither of those (?!). I am tempted to just cut it off myself. It looks just bad. I'm a mushroom head. I almost hope my hair does fall out just to get rid of this horrible hair cut. I've been in a bad mood all day because of the hair cut and my poor sad baby.

The babe is upstairs with Captain Obvious right now, crying. As soon as I put him into Captain Obvious' arms tonight he began to cry. He wants me and he wants to nurse. If I pick him up, he stops crying. But of course soon he starts to look for a nipple...I even tried to get him to latch on to my husband but of course that was no even close to successful.

Cutting the Bedtime Nursing

Today was a pretty good day, all things considered. Captain Adorable slept pretty well last night...I heard him wake and moan a bit from down the hall where I was sleeping. Captain Obvious was able to sing to him and stroke his back/belly until he went back to sleep each time. At 5:40 he woke up crying hard and I sprinted in to the room. He calmed down a bit as soon as he saw me and I wanted to change his diaper before getting in bed and nursing, but I couldn't find any diapers and thus realized that I was going to have to buy diapers since there were very few left in the house! Anyhow, I got in bed with the captains and the baby immediately nursed. I was not able to go back to sleep. Then the alarm in the room where I had been sleeping went off. I couldn't do anything but lie there and listen to it since the babe was latched on and Capt. Obvious was asleep. Finally (after about 20 minutes) Capt. Obvious woke up and it turned out he had set the alarm because he thought he was sleeping in that room. Oh well. It went off an hour early anyhow seeing as neither of us ever turned that clock back.

Captain Adorable ate a good breakfast (4 ounces of yogurt!). He had a 2 hour nap in the stroller while my Mom took him on a walk (yes, she walked him for all that time!). He was in a super mood and had a good lunch (half a cup of organic potato and leek soup and some pieces of cooked veggies and tofu from dinner last night). We played and had a good afternoon. Then at 3:00 Mom took him for another walk because I had to get ready to go to my character interview. (Yes, if you apply to be admitted to the bar, you are interviewed to make sure you're not insane or a liar. Yes, I did not pass the bar, but I will and then I will not have to do the interview again since I did it now.) I left just as they were getting back a bit over an hour later.

When I got back from the interview, Captain Obvious was home and everybody was ready for dinner. Capt. Adorable ate well again. He did not drink half as much as I would like, of course. I guess as the days go on without nursing he will drink more and eat more but right now I do worry about whether he gets enough liquid. I also worry about whether he gets enough protein and fat and nutrients...like I said, I guess as there are more days without any nursing, he will continue to eat more and will begin to drink more, and he will continue to grow well.

After dinner I played with Captain Adorable for a while (sort of reversing roles with Captain Obvous, who would have to go to bed with Captain Adorable later and would have to work hard to help the babe sleep). At first I had the baby on my back in our new (organic, dark brown Ergo). He grabbed my hair, which was in a bun. I took out the bun and put my hair in a pony tail for his amusement. As I turned my head from side to side, he started to giggle and laugh at this! He had a great time playing with the pony tail and I had a great time making him giggle just by turning my head. I have an appointment at 9:30 tomorrow to have my hair cut off since I will probably lose it all with chemo. (I have long hair and have had for almost all my life.) I think it will be easier to deal with the hair that comes out if it is short rather than if it is long.

After I got tired of having Capt. Adorable on my back, I tried to tire him out by letting him crawl up the stairs (with my close supervision of course). He climbed those stairs 5 times! He seemed to get a second wind on the evening from all that climbing and we didn't put him to bed till an hour after his usual bedtime. I put him into bed with Captain Obvious, who had a bottle of EBM (expressed breast milk, in case you just joined this story) and was ready with songs and cuddling. Captain Adorable went to bed without having any of the milk and without crying...

We will see how he sleeps tonight, having gone to bed without any nursing and without any milk. My heart is aching to nurse him. I wish it was morning. And I don't want morning to come since it will be the next-to-last morning I get to nurse him.

So, I found an excellent person to accompany me to chemo class Friday morning and stay with me through chemo Friday afternoon. This person has known me since I was in elementary school and he is meticulous, intelligent, and very accustomed to dealing with the medical establishment. I am so glad he volunteered to help me out. Captain Obvious still wants to come be with me for the administration of chemo in the afternoon and I still want him to get the full benefit of the training he is attending this week. He says he can take the class anytime and he has only one wife. We will see what we decide.

I am going to ask my Mom to take a couple of photos of me before and after the hair cut tomorrow.

Starting Chemotherapy

I will be starting chemotherapy on Friday. This means I had four night to night-wean Capt. Adorable, including last night. I will nurse him for the last time on Friday morning. Sad sad sad sad sad...

Last night was not so good. Capt. Adorable cried from about 1:00 to 3:00. You can hear that he is alternatively sad and angry. It makes me feel so bad to deny him. It makes me feel I am betraying him, hurting him in some irrevocable way. I nursed him at 5:00 and I do not think he let go till 7:20, when we woke up. I do not know how tonight will go...Capt. Obvious is attending a special training class this week and it is not good for him to get so little sleep. I might change my approach and not nurse the baby to sleep or in the morning but nurse him at night so we can all sleep. Then, when the night nursing is cut forever, it will be when Capt. Obvious does not have to go to a class the next day.

Chemo class is Friday morning and chemo is Friday afternoon. The oncologist told me to bring someone to take notes in chemo class. There are lots of prescriptions against nausea and other symptoms to juggle. Capt. Obvious would come but I do not want him to have to skip his class. My sweet MIL is not a good note-taker. My Mommy can't do it because she will be taking care of Capt. Adorable. I called a friend to ask her to come with me yesterday but I have not heard back yet...

Oh I feel scared and sad. I hate making my baby cry. I hate sitting up in the night willing myself not to cry because my baby needs me to help him not cry when all I want to do is get in bed and both sleep while he nurses...

Home Again, Again

Over the weekend we went to Punkin Chunkin in Delaware. We were lucky enough to have a few friends meeting us there, but we were a little late and so all of the friends were already there when we arrived. Punkin Chunkin was freezing and really windy and as my friend Mrs. Breadwinner pointed out, not very family-friendly; it was a definite drunk fest. Her husband, Mr. SAHD (Stay At Home Dad), commented that either he was getting old or there was a lot of underage drinking going on. We all laughed and observed that while he is getting old, there was also a lot of underage drinking there....

It was so cold as to prevent me from changing Capt. Adorable's diaper because I just didn't want to freeze his little butt off! Plus the wind really was awful. Anyhow, we saw some pumpkins being launched into the air and that was cool. I like the trebuchets better than the compressed air launchers.

The captains and I stayed at a hotel in Ocean City. A couple of weeks ago, my MIL suggested that we could get a good rate on a room with an ocean view and she was right. I loved the room because not only could I see the ocean from bed, there was also a lovely jacuzzi tub which was big enough for the three of us to get in comfortably. We did so and it was wonderful. It was cute to see Capt. Adorable in water up to his shoulders (it was a very deep tub) and it was nice to have Capt. Obvious in there with us.

Because of some coupons we got when we checked in, we were able to order room service for breakfast and I have to say it is much nicer to have room service and do everything low-stress than to take Capt. Adorable to the restaurant and try to feed him and eat ourselves in a manner least likely to interfere with anyone else's meal. If we ever stay at that hotel and get that deal again, we will definitely take the room service route again. I did think it was immensely tacky that room service charges 20% gratuity automatically but also puts a blank line on your check so that you can add gratuity. Are they trying to fool their guests? Let me be clear--I do not mind the 20% gratuity. I do mind the fact that they charge me that and then try to get me to give another gratuity on top of it. Tacky tacky tacky.

Anyhow, on the cancer front: I have an oncologist appointment this afternoon. I expect we will agree on treatment protocol and then get me scheduled for "chemo class" and to start treatment. I have been thinking I should have my hair cut before starting treatment...

Family news: my mom arrives today! I am so glad she can be here!

We're Home With News

There is a lot of good news as a result of the trip to Houston. We went there for a second opinion and I am glad we made the trip, even though the opinion boils down to the same thing I heard here in Maryland.

1) Good News: I was convinced to do chemotherapy. I guess I was going to do it anyhow, but was so skeptical as to the benefit of it (and perhaps my perception was colored by my sorrow at having to wean Capt. Adorable). Now I can see that there is a benefit. The oncologist at M.D. Anderson told me that I have about a 50% + chance of the cancer coming back and the chemotherapy lowers that chance by about 15%. That seems a much different percentage than I heard before. The deal seems to be that most cancers which reoccur do so within 2 years, so my taking chemotherapy will reduce that chance.

2) Good News: The treatment recommended is not any different than that recommended by the oncologist in Maryland, so there is no benefit to traveling to Texas for treatment. This is much easier on me and on the Captains. Plus, I want to be where my friends are and where my family can be with me. And goodness knows I'd much rather sleep in my own bed than anywhere else!

3) Bad News: I am, more likely than not, going to die of cancer in less than 20 years. Considering I am 34 now, that's a big blow...

Capt. Adorable does not like flying and goodness knows what we will do when nursing is no longer an option!!! He was fine to moany for the flight there, but the flight home was terrible! It was a late flight, so he did sleep for a good while, but landing was bad...

Meanwhile, he ripped the 'a' key off my laptop, so typing is much more difficult now.

There is much more, of course, but Capt. Adorable will not let me type right now (I usually post when he's asleep) and we are leaving this afternoon, so I've got the post what I cAn now so all those of you I promised an update will get one!!!

UPDATE:

According to the "unofficial" results posted on the State Board of Bar Examiners' web site, I failed the Maryland Bar. Oh well. I thought I failed. I'll take it again next July, after chemo is over. Next time I won't have pneumonia, a broken toe, a four-month-old, or discover I have a lung tumor during the study process. So next year at this time I'll be celebrating!!!