This morning Capt. Adorable went to sleep in my arms in the glider with only a little moaning and about 30 minutes of rocking/singing/stroking. He slept for about an hour and 20 minutes. His afternoon nap was in the stroller on a walk with Capt. Obvious. He did not cry to nurse today. However, when I got back from coffee with a friend at 6:00, it was clear that he was ready to nurse. I am still nursing him to sleep, so when it was bedtime, both of us were happy to have him fall asleep with a belly full of mama's milk.
Tomorrow we leave for Houston. The oncology appointment is on Oct. 30. I think I will get a similar plan of treatment: some chemotherapy followed by close (probably every 3 months) monitoring for several years. I hope I will get better or at least more precise information concerning my life expectancy and my future fertility. I would like to know what my chances of being alive 5 years from now. What about 10 years from now? Will I get to see Capt. Adorable graduate from high school? I would love to see him get married and maybe even have a grandchild...but that means I've got to live a lot longer than 5 more years! And, admittedly, the idea of living brings other joyful ideas to mind, like the idea of having more children. Understand that my darling Captain Adorable is a miracle and a blessing and it is mostly because I love him so dearly that I want to have more children. Of course if I cannot have more ch
Unfinished bc Capt. Adorable is awake and asking for his Mama. More updates when I am back from Houston!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Tomorrow Will Be A Bit Better
I had a hard time thinking of a good title for this post because my emotions are so strong. I feel totally vulnerable. I feel almost like I've felt when I had a broken heart: blown apart. I have so much deep sorrow that can spill out so easily...I could wallow in that for a few pages. At the same time, today was not all terrible and tomorrow will be a bit better. I was lucky enough to once again to be together with Capt. Adorable today. I held, cuddled, fed, sang to, kissed, carried, and laughed with him. So not everything is dark. I mean: I have cancer and I have to wean my baby because if it, but I am alive and I love and I am loved. The sun still shines and flowers still smell sweet.
While lying in bed last night, waiting for sleep to come, I realized that yesterday afternoon was our last daytime nursing. I did not know it was the very last one at the time, though I did know it was one of a very few, so I did cherish it. It is good that I was not aware it was the last one because I probably would have cried and been sad instead of feeling happy and cuddly. It was a lovely nursing--we laid on the couch together and the babe nursed from one side for 11 minutes, then from the other for about 10 minutes. (I remember glancing at the clock when he was done, because it said 2:22.) He has been recently starting to do the gymnastics I so often read that other nurslings do on the motheringdotcommune boards. My perception of his efforts to move his whole body around while he nurses is that it is cute and a sign of his maturation and growing control over his body. But yeah, the day time nursings are over. Yesterday was the last one. I have really good memories of nursing him to last me a long time.
As far as napping goes, today was not bad. He took his morning nap (of an hour and 20 minutes!) in my arms in the glider. (Wonderful feeling to have my little love warm and soft against me.) The afternoon nap was another issue. Capt. Obvious took the babe upstairs with a bottle and tried his best to sing Capt. Adorable to sleep. Despite the effort, Capt. Adorable would not sleep or take the bottle. I don't know exactly what happened up there, but after 45 minutes the crying was pretty loud and punctuated with coughing, which means that he is crying so hard he can't swallow the surfeit of saliva and snot produced by crying. I went upstairs to suggest that a change of scenery was in order. While I respect my husband's efforts, I also respect my baby's need to be comforted, so I intervened. Not to say that Capt. Obvious was not comforting Capt. Adorable--I just think that sometimes parenting can be stressful and a supportive suggestion from one's partner can help both the parent and the child. Anyhow, Capt. Obvious did change tactics (and rooms) and tried for another 45 minutes to help the babe take the bottle and go to sleep. No dice. They came downstairs and together we gave the baby a little meal (seeing as he wouldn't take the bottle). Once his belly was full, Capt. Obvious took him for a walk. Sleep did come to the stroller, so the babe got a hour or so worth of good quality nap and Capt. Obvious got a quality walk.
Once they were back from the walk, Capt. Adorable played happily on the living room floor (supervised by his Daddy, of course). While we were waiting for the food to finish cooking, Capt. Obvious and I tried to get Capt. Adorable to drink. Yes, he did drink greedily, but it was fun because he laughed and laughed at the encouraging noises I was making, so I started laughing and soon we were all laughing. It was pretty great! In addition, I made lasagna for dinner and Capt. Obvious said it was the best one I had ever made. :)
Once dinner was done, we went upstairs to complete our normal bedtime routine. Nursing my baby to sleep was wonderful and I am incredibly happy that we can keep doing it for a little while.
Thank goodness for Capt. Obvious today. I am strong and I could have done it without him, but it is unspeakably better to cry on my husband's chest with his arms around me than to swallow my sorrow and be strong alone.
Tomorrow it will all be a little easier as this becomes our new normal.
While lying in bed last night, waiting for sleep to come, I realized that yesterday afternoon was our last daytime nursing. I did not know it was the very last one at the time, though I did know it was one of a very few, so I did cherish it. It is good that I was not aware it was the last one because I probably would have cried and been sad instead of feeling happy and cuddly. It was a lovely nursing--we laid on the couch together and the babe nursed from one side for 11 minutes, then from the other for about 10 minutes. (I remember glancing at the clock when he was done, because it said 2:22.) He has been recently starting to do the gymnastics I so often read that other nurslings do on the motheringdotcommune boards. My perception of his efforts to move his whole body around while he nurses is that it is cute and a sign of his maturation and growing control over his body. But yeah, the day time nursings are over. Yesterday was the last one. I have really good memories of nursing him to last me a long time.
As far as napping goes, today was not bad. He took his morning nap (of an hour and 20 minutes!) in my arms in the glider. (Wonderful feeling to have my little love warm and soft against me.) The afternoon nap was another issue. Capt. Obvious took the babe upstairs with a bottle and tried his best to sing Capt. Adorable to sleep. Despite the effort, Capt. Adorable would not sleep or take the bottle. I don't know exactly what happened up there, but after 45 minutes the crying was pretty loud and punctuated with coughing, which means that he is crying so hard he can't swallow the surfeit of saliva and snot produced by crying. I went upstairs to suggest that a change of scenery was in order. While I respect my husband's efforts, I also respect my baby's need to be comforted, so I intervened. Not to say that Capt. Obvious was not comforting Capt. Adorable--I just think that sometimes parenting can be stressful and a supportive suggestion from one's partner can help both the parent and the child. Anyhow, Capt. Obvious did change tactics (and rooms) and tried for another 45 minutes to help the babe take the bottle and go to sleep. No dice. They came downstairs and together we gave the baby a little meal (seeing as he wouldn't take the bottle). Once his belly was full, Capt. Obvious took him for a walk. Sleep did come to the stroller, so the babe got a hour or so worth of good quality nap and Capt. Obvious got a quality walk.
Once they were back from the walk, Capt. Adorable played happily on the living room floor (supervised by his Daddy, of course). While we were waiting for the food to finish cooking, Capt. Obvious and I tried to get Capt. Adorable to drink. Yes, he did drink greedily, but it was fun because he laughed and laughed at the encouraging noises I was making, so I started laughing and soon we were all laughing. It was pretty great! In addition, I made lasagna for dinner and Capt. Obvious said it was the best one I had ever made. :)
Once dinner was done, we went upstairs to complete our normal bedtime routine. Nursing my baby to sleep was wonderful and I am incredibly happy that we can keep doing it for a little while.
Thank goodness for Capt. Obvious today. I am strong and I could have done it without him, but it is unspeakably better to cry on my husband's chest with his arms around me than to swallow my sorrow and be strong alone.
Tomorrow it will all be a little easier as this becomes our new normal.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Triumph...Almost.
This morning I was just so tired and my foot still hurt so much from the long walks this week that I tried to get Capt. Adorable to sleep in my arms again. I thought I'd just see what happened and if he cried I'd put him in the stroller. To my surprise and delight, he fell asleep in my arms after about 40 minutes of rocking and singing and stroking. He did not cry, really. Did moan some, but seemed mostly amenable to relaxation. And when he fell asleep...oh how wonderful I felt! Triumph! I was ready to settle in for an hour or so of sitting in the (nursing) chair with my sleeping baby on my lap.
Then the phone rang. Immediately after wards, my cell phone rang. Capt. Adorable stirred but did not wake for each of those episodes. I was nervous...then immediately after that, the house phone rang again and my Mom left a message. Again, I was thanking my lucky stars that the babe remained asleep. Then a few minutes later, the phone rang again. This time Capt. Adorable's eyes opened wide and he was definitely awake. The caller was someone from M.D. Anderson (in Texas) who was calling to confirm my appointment on the 30th. Sigh. I hated that guy so much.
Capt. Adorable only got 20 minutes of sleep. Still, it was good because he went to sleep in my arms and I learned the importance of TURNING THE RINGER DOWN!!!
For the afternoon nap I took him for a walk. It was pouring rain. My foot was so painful. I guess I am going to have to see a doctor about it (sigh). He was warm and dry in his cute little courderoy overalls and fleece jacket with the hood on his head and the rain cover on the stroller. I was not cold, but I was definitely not dry. By the time I got home I was soaked to the skin! He had a good nap, though--over an hour.
I was getting us all ready to go out again and run a couple of errands when I realized it was 2:00! Nursing time! We were both overjoyed to curl up together on the couch. I no longer nurse in the nursing chair because I want to be able to use that chair for cuddling and napping without the memories of nursing so immediate in Capt. Adorable's mind. Plus, side lying nursing is so sweet. After nursing, he played in his play area by himself for a while. Then we went to the health food store and he slept in the car on the way there, so he got in another 20 or so minutes.
The idea that after this weekend there will be no more nursing during the day is getting me down. Capt. Adorable did not eat a good dinner and was tired and eager to nurse to sleep. I dread cutting that nursing. Will he still love me when I no longer nurse him? Will we still have the same closeness when he is weaned? How will chemo's side-effects affect our relationship? If I am sick and distant and he can't nurse, won't there be distance between us? Will he feel abandoned by me? What will this do to his personality in the long run?
Then the phone rang. Immediately after wards, my cell phone rang. Capt. Adorable stirred but did not wake for each of those episodes. I was nervous...then immediately after that, the house phone rang again and my Mom left a message. Again, I was thanking my lucky stars that the babe remained asleep. Then a few minutes later, the phone rang again. This time Capt. Adorable's eyes opened wide and he was definitely awake. The caller was someone from M.D. Anderson (in Texas) who was calling to confirm my appointment on the 30th. Sigh. I hated that guy so much.
Capt. Adorable only got 20 minutes of sleep. Still, it was good because he went to sleep in my arms and I learned the importance of TURNING THE RINGER DOWN!!!
For the afternoon nap I took him for a walk. It was pouring rain. My foot was so painful. I guess I am going to have to see a doctor about it (sigh). He was warm and dry in his cute little courderoy overalls and fleece jacket with the hood on his head and the rain cover on the stroller. I was not cold, but I was definitely not dry. By the time I got home I was soaked to the skin! He had a good nap, though--over an hour.
I was getting us all ready to go out again and run a couple of errands when I realized it was 2:00! Nursing time! We were both overjoyed to curl up together on the couch. I no longer nurse in the nursing chair because I want to be able to use that chair for cuddling and napping without the memories of nursing so immediate in Capt. Adorable's mind. Plus, side lying nursing is so sweet. After nursing, he played in his play area by himself for a while. Then we went to the health food store and he slept in the car on the way there, so he got in another 20 or so minutes.
The idea that after this weekend there will be no more nursing during the day is getting me down. Capt. Adorable did not eat a good dinner and was tired and eager to nurse to sleep. I dread cutting that nursing. Will he still love me when I no longer nurse him? Will we still have the same closeness when he is weaned? How will chemo's side-effects affect our relationship? If I am sick and distant and he can't nurse, won't there be distance between us? Will he feel abandoned by me? What will this do to his personality in the long run?
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Crying Today...Crying Tomorrow...
I walked from 9:07 this morning till 10:36. Capt. Adorable was asleep by 9:15, but he woke up well before I got home--he only napped for an hour.
He cried a lot today because he wanted to nurse. I cried a bit too, as always, and had to pull myself out of it, as always, because my baby needs me to help him more than I need to cry. I wish I could at least tell him how badly I want to nurse him, how sorry I am to have to wean him, and how dearly I love him. All I can do is hold him close, allow him to scratch me as much as he needs to, and sing him songs or whatever else he needs to distract him from his sadness. Of course the distractions don't always work and like I said, there was a lot of crying today.
I nursed him twice today--both short ones. Once in the waiting room of the midwives' office and once at home. He napped in the car both on the way to the midwife and on the way home, so I guess he got about an hour (or an hour plus a few minutes) total. I did not nap at all. I am tired--physically tired. Capt. Adorable has been rather demanding (maybe a better word is clingy) this week; probably because of the decrease in nursing. I can barely use the bathroom. I cannot leave him alone in his play area at all. He wants to be with me all the time. The mei tai is getting more and more use again. He does eat well...he's not hungry when he cries for nursing...he wants the comfort and closeness of it...(so do I).
There will be crying tomorrow. I hope I can find the strength to once again hold my crying baby close to me and deny him what he is so desperately asking for. I hope this weekend the transition to zero day time nursings can go easily because of help from Capt. Obvious.
F*ck this is hard.
He cried a lot today because he wanted to nurse. I cried a bit too, as always, and had to pull myself out of it, as always, because my baby needs me to help him more than I need to cry. I wish I could at least tell him how badly I want to nurse him, how sorry I am to have to wean him, and how dearly I love him. All I can do is hold him close, allow him to scratch me as much as he needs to, and sing him songs or whatever else he needs to distract him from his sadness. Of course the distractions don't always work and like I said, there was a lot of crying today.
I nursed him twice today--both short ones. Once in the waiting room of the midwives' office and once at home. He napped in the car both on the way to the midwife and on the way home, so I guess he got about an hour (or an hour plus a few minutes) total. I did not nap at all. I am tired--physically tired. Capt. Adorable has been rather demanding (maybe a better word is clingy) this week; probably because of the decrease in nursing. I can barely use the bathroom. I cannot leave him alone in his play area at all. He wants to be with me all the time. The mei tai is getting more and more use again. He does eat well...he's not hungry when he cries for nursing...he wants the comfort and closeness of it...(so do I).
There will be crying tomorrow. I hope I can find the strength to once again hold my crying baby close to me and deny him what he is so desperately asking for. I hope this weekend the transition to zero day time nursings can go easily because of help from Capt. Obvious.
F*ck this is hard.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Hunting the Elusive Nap
Getting Capt. Adorable to take a nap without nursing is elusive as always. That pacifier only worked that one time that I described in a previous post. Walking works sometimes (it did this morning) but other times not (yesterday morning it did not). I went for a drive with him on Monday morning to get him to nap and I drove over 50 miles! (Must have been like $5.00 worth of gas--can't do that every day!) The afternoon nap is still easy because I am still nurse him once per day...but that nursing gets cut at the end of this week, so things are about to become really difficult. I guess I could go for two 90 minute walks per day, but it would be difficult to get anything else done and it would also be rather demanding physically. I just don't know how to give my baby the comfort he needs to drift off to sleep without nursing him.
This afternoon he wanted to nurse again at about 5:30 or so. He climbed into my arms, moaning, and rubbed his face up against my décolletage. He touched me with his little fingers, dragged his sharp little nails across my skin and moaned/cried. If I did not already know what he wanted, I could not possibly have ignored/misunderstood these very clear requests. I cried. But I had to stop, and quickly, because I knew I needed to help my son to deal with the sorrow of not nursing and allowing myself to cry was not going to help him.
Last night Capt. Adorable did something for the first time ever. :) Here's the story. Because that one success with the pacifier has made me hope that a pacifier can help us in the future, I've been trying to introduce it in non-stressful situations. I even have it around when nursing is available. Sometimes we play this game which starts out with me putting it my mouth. Capt. Adorable thinks that is funny and pulls it out and sticks it in his mouth (not necessarily the nipple part...). Then I get it again and stick it in my mouth, and he pulls it back out, et cetera. Last night I was putting the babe to bed (which means he could nurse) but he was crawling around the bed still awake, like he does almost every night. I offered him the pacifier. With a big smile on his face, he started wapping me in the cheek with it, which confused me until I realized he wanted to play our game. So, I put it in my mouth and sure enough, he pulled it out. How cool! We were playing our game and the baby initiated it! Plus, it was the first time he offered me something. :)
Tomorrow I am going to the midwife for my 6-month post-partum check up (too bad that my baby's 9 and a half months but I've been a little busy since May with bar and lung tumor and all). The travel to and from and the appointment time itself encompass Capt. Adorable's one nursing. I don't really know what to do about that...I guess I will just break the rules and nurse him a bit before, some during, and some after...nice for me and nice for the babe, but maybe bad for weaning??? Oh golly golly golly I wish I did not have to wean my little love.
I tried to post a couple of pics on Sunday night but stupid google had a systems error. I will try again later this week.
We're going to M.D. Anderson for a second opinion next week.
This afternoon he wanted to nurse again at about 5:30 or so. He climbed into my arms, moaning, and rubbed his face up against my décolletage. He touched me with his little fingers, dragged his sharp little nails across my skin and moaned/cried. If I did not already know what he wanted, I could not possibly have ignored/misunderstood these very clear requests. I cried. But I had to stop, and quickly, because I knew I needed to help my son to deal with the sorrow of not nursing and allowing myself to cry was not going to help him.
Last night Capt. Adorable did something for the first time ever. :) Here's the story. Because that one success with the pacifier has made me hope that a pacifier can help us in the future, I've been trying to introduce it in non-stressful situations. I even have it around when nursing is available. Sometimes we play this game which starts out with me putting it my mouth. Capt. Adorable thinks that is funny and pulls it out and sticks it in his mouth (not necessarily the nipple part...). Then I get it again and stick it in my mouth, and he pulls it back out, et cetera. Last night I was putting the babe to bed (which means he could nurse) but he was crawling around the bed still awake, like he does almost every night. I offered him the pacifier. With a big smile on his face, he started wapping me in the cheek with it, which confused me until I realized he wanted to play our game. So, I put it in my mouth and sure enough, he pulled it out. How cool! We were playing our game and the baby initiated it! Plus, it was the first time he offered me something. :)
Tomorrow I am going to the midwife for my 6-month post-partum check up (too bad that my baby's 9 and a half months but I've been a little busy since May with bar and lung tumor and all). The travel to and from and the appointment time itself encompass Capt. Adorable's one nursing. I don't really know what to do about that...I guess I will just break the rules and nurse him a bit before, some during, and some after...nice for me and nice for the babe, but maybe bad for weaning??? Oh golly golly golly I wish I did not have to wean my little love.
I tried to post a couple of pics on Sunday night but stupid google had a systems error. I will try again later this week.
We're going to M.D. Anderson for a second opinion next week.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
I Am Lucky
I am lucky. My family is lucky.
Our baby is in excellent health. (I cannot begin to imagine the pain of parents with sick babies. Thank goodness I am sick and not my son.)
I am healing really well from the lung surgery. We have good health insurance. We have a good place to live (even though the neighbors suck). I get to wake up every morning with my two favorite people in the world.
Our baby is in excellent health. (I cannot begin to imagine the pain of parents with sick babies. Thank goodness I am sick and not my son.)
I am healing really well from the lung surgery. We have good health insurance. We have a good place to live (even though the neighbors suck). I get to wake up every morning with my two favorite people in the world.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Good News, Ongoing Bad News, and Our Trip
Good News
The results from the PET CT scan are back and the results are good for the most part. There are 2 nodules which showed up on the CT scan. One is in my right upper lung and one is in the left upper lung. Both are very small (smaller than 8mm, the smallest thing the PET will show) and both could be cancer but could be scars or other things (don't know what). I asked the oncologist if she thought they were cancer or question marks and she said question marks. They are too small to biopsy. I asked the doctor (on my father-in-law's advice) to please check the CT scan taken in June for the nodules. The left one does show up in the June CT and the right one does not. This does not mean much--certainly does not change treatment recommendations. So, this is good news. No big lesions anywhere and even these nodules look benign...then again, all the doctors told me the lung tumor was benign too and that really did not turn out like they thought...
Ongoing Bad News
When I asked about my life expectancy and such, the oncologist said that while chemotherapy can help me, this cancer will likely be back (adenocarcinoma is know for reoccurance). She said that she knows people who are alive 5 years after treatment, but those people tend to be the young ones. She said she didn't think I'd die in a year, but she has nothing to say about whether I will make it past 5 years.
Thinking about dying makes me sad--not because I am afraid (I am not) but because I do not want to leave my baby. I would definitely want my beloved husband to marry again and go on with his life, but I do not want my son to be a step-child. I know what it is like to be a step-child and because I want the best for my child, I do not want that for him. (Weak attempt at humor: plus he'd be a red-headed step-child. Ha ha.)
The oncologist says I should start chemotherapy 6-8 weeks after surgery for the best chance at survival and I should not delay past 3 months. That would mean starting chemo in the first or second week of November. Which means I have to wean by then. And now the crying begins.
On Friday I spent 2 hours trying to get Capt. Adorable to take a nap with my singing and stroking and rocking method. I offered pacifiers (2 kinds) I walked him inside and out back on the deck. I sat and sang. I took him for a 45 minute walk (keep in mind it has been only 6 weeks since I had 2 lobes of my right lung removed--a 45 minute walk with my big, heavy baby in a mei tai is a bigger deal for me than most.) No dice. He cried. And cried. And cried. This from my baby who doesn't really cry. My sweet, happy darling who is confident that his mama will be there to meet his needs...this precious baby I have to betray by withholding. I have to not give him what he needs, what he asks for, what he should have. After shedding a few tears myself, I gave in at 11:07 and gave him the breast. Immediately there was peace. Capt. Adorable closed his eyes, relaxed his body (which he had been throwing backwards as hard as possible), and went to sleep.
I know whoever reading this blog has got to be tired of me saying this by now but I DO NOT WANT TO WEAN MY BABY! It hurts me to do so. My heart aches: for him and for me.
Our Trip
Our visit to Luray Caverns was pretty cool. Of course Capt. Obvious wore Capt. Adorable in the canverns, and that worked out nicely as usual. We took a bunch of pics. Perhaps I will even get around to posting one here. The hotel we stayed in that night was better than either Capt. Obvious or I expected, but the stupid alarm clock went off at 6:15! Neither parent could not get Capt. Adorable back to sleep and if the baby don't sleep, no body sleeps, so we were up as a family. Eventually we all got showered and dressed and headed down to breakfast, which was not bad. I made sure to clean up the floor and wipe the table down before we left so that the next people to sit at the table we used wouldn't slip on a bit of grape or dirty their shirt sleeves with yogurt residue on the table top. I looked up to see a (probably very nice) woman talking to Capt. Adorable and Touching His Nose!!! I gave her an eat sh*t and die look and she took off pretty quickly. I just don't understand why on earth people think it is ok to touch a baby without permission. Especially his NOSE--I mean why not just stick your effing fingers in his mouth, you germ covered freak??? I don't know where you've been! You trying to make my baby sick? OK, rant over. :)
Monticello was pretty cool. I think Mount Vernon might be a little nicer, just from a tourist's perspective. I was surprised the house was made of brick. We took a bunch of pics at Monticello and even some video. The ride back was not bad from the perspective that Capt. Adorable slept most of the way. It was really bad from the perspective that Capt. Obvious and I started talking a little about what to do with this latest news about the cancer and both ended up in tears for quite a while. He was driving and crying and I was in the back seat with the babe crying (silently, so the babe could sleep). Ah well, at least it kept us awake for the drive.
The results from the PET CT scan are back and the results are good for the most part. There are 2 nodules which showed up on the CT scan. One is in my right upper lung and one is in the left upper lung. Both are very small (smaller than 8mm, the smallest thing the PET will show) and both could be cancer but could be scars or other things (don't know what). I asked the oncologist if she thought they were cancer or question marks and she said question marks. They are too small to biopsy. I asked the doctor (on my father-in-law's advice) to please check the CT scan taken in June for the nodules. The left one does show up in the June CT and the right one does not. This does not mean much--certainly does not change treatment recommendations. So, this is good news. No big lesions anywhere and even these nodules look benign...then again, all the doctors told me the lung tumor was benign too and that really did not turn out like they thought...
Ongoing Bad News
When I asked about my life expectancy and such, the oncologist said that while chemotherapy can help me, this cancer will likely be back (adenocarcinoma is know for reoccurance). She said that she knows people who are alive 5 years after treatment, but those people tend to be the young ones. She said she didn't think I'd die in a year, but she has nothing to say about whether I will make it past 5 years.
Thinking about dying makes me sad--not because I am afraid (I am not) but because I do not want to leave my baby. I would definitely want my beloved husband to marry again and go on with his life, but I do not want my son to be a step-child. I know what it is like to be a step-child and because I want the best for my child, I do not want that for him. (Weak attempt at humor: plus he'd be a red-headed step-child. Ha ha.)
The oncologist says I should start chemotherapy 6-8 weeks after surgery for the best chance at survival and I should not delay past 3 months. That would mean starting chemo in the first or second week of November. Which means I have to wean by then. And now the crying begins.
On Friday I spent 2 hours trying to get Capt. Adorable to take a nap with my singing and stroking and rocking method. I offered pacifiers (2 kinds) I walked him inside and out back on the deck. I sat and sang. I took him for a 45 minute walk (keep in mind it has been only 6 weeks since I had 2 lobes of my right lung removed--a 45 minute walk with my big, heavy baby in a mei tai is a bigger deal for me than most.) No dice. He cried. And cried. And cried. This from my baby who doesn't really cry. My sweet, happy darling who is confident that his mama will be there to meet his needs...this precious baby I have to betray by withholding. I have to not give him what he needs, what he asks for, what he should have. After shedding a few tears myself, I gave in at 11:07 and gave him the breast. Immediately there was peace. Capt. Adorable closed his eyes, relaxed his body (which he had been throwing backwards as hard as possible), and went to sleep.
I know whoever reading this blog has got to be tired of me saying this by now but I DO NOT WANT TO WEAN MY BABY! It hurts me to do so. My heart aches: for him and for me.
Our Trip
Our visit to Luray Caverns was pretty cool. Of course Capt. Obvious wore Capt. Adorable in the canverns, and that worked out nicely as usual. We took a bunch of pics. Perhaps I will even get around to posting one here. The hotel we stayed in that night was better than either Capt. Obvious or I expected, but the stupid alarm clock went off at 6:15! Neither parent could not get Capt. Adorable back to sleep and if the baby don't sleep, no body sleeps, so we were up as a family. Eventually we all got showered and dressed and headed down to breakfast, which was not bad. I made sure to clean up the floor and wipe the table down before we left so that the next people to sit at the table we used wouldn't slip on a bit of grape or dirty their shirt sleeves with yogurt residue on the table top. I looked up to see a (probably very nice) woman talking to Capt. Adorable and Touching His Nose!!! I gave her an eat sh*t and die look and she took off pretty quickly. I just don't understand why on earth people think it is ok to touch a baby without permission. Especially his NOSE--I mean why not just stick your effing fingers in his mouth, you germ covered freak??? I don't know where you've been! You trying to make my baby sick? OK, rant over. :)
Monticello was pretty cool. I think Mount Vernon might be a little nicer, just from a tourist's perspective. I was surprised the house was made of brick. We took a bunch of pics at Monticello and even some video. The ride back was not bad from the perspective that Capt. Adorable slept most of the way. It was really bad from the perspective that Capt. Obvious and I started talking a little about what to do with this latest news about the cancer and both ended up in tears for quite a while. He was driving and crying and I was in the back seat with the babe crying (silently, so the babe could sleep). Ah well, at least it kept us awake for the drive.
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