Avulsion Fracture

On Monday morning I went for a bike ride with Captain Adorable. He's been biking with me while I walk/run for a while now. It isn't a fast ride, but he bikes about 2.5 miles a few mornings a week. I have been trying to build up my stamina and breathing and I can run (slowly) for 20 minutes straight now, but on Monday I rode my bike too. He wanted to show me a secret path, so we rode to a field, parked our bikes off the road, and walked into the woods. The path went to the top of a cliff which overlooks the creek our marina is on, so every time we go out on the boat we pass by the spot where we were standing. It was a lovely view. On the way back to the bikes, back in the field, I accidentally stepped in a hole and turned my ankle. I thought I heard a crack. It hurt a lot, but I had to get on my bike, ride home, change clothes, and take Captain Adorable to the pediatrician.

I discovered that walking down stairs hurt a lot, but my ankle wasn't swollen much. I limped around and got us to the appointment on time. Captain Adorable was diagnosed with pink eye. I had several other errands that day, and at some point decided to call my doctor to see if I could get an appointment. They fit me in right away. The doctor examined me and sent me for an x-ray. I had the x-ray but Captain Adorable and I were hungry, so we left immediately after. I was assured by the doctor and the x-ray technician that if anything showed up, they'd call me. No one called that afternoon or evening.

Tuesday came and went with no call.

Wednesday morning my doctor called with the news that I had actually fractured my ankle. I went to an orthopedist in the afternoon and now I have a big black boot to wear for 4-6 weeks.

It is really more a ligament injury than a bone injury. When I rolled my ankle, the ligament pulled two fragments of bone off! So, the treatment is immobilization and rest. Of course Captain Adorable thinks my boot is wonderful and doesn't understand why it would interfere with walking.

After Cancer Blues

I just read this great blog entry about the after cancer blues and thought I should share it here. I guess I knew other people have this last ing fear too but reading about it makes me feel validated. For what its worth, here is how I have responded to the five things suggested on the blog:

1) Know you're not crazy.
OK, well maybe I am crazy (haha), but not because of being sad about cancer. I think that often people with cancer feel they have to be strong and cheerful all the time, even giving themselves the responsibility for making the cancer grow if they think negative thoughts! In my opinion, it is important to be gentle with one's self, to allow oneself to feel all the emotions that go with cancer diagnosis, treatment, and survivorship.

2) Find support
I sought grief counseling and benefitted greatly from that experience. I recommend finding support to all cancer survivors (meaning the family of a person with cancer also).

3) Go for a run
I took up walking in an effort to lose some of the weight I gained during chemo. About 2 years ago, I was inspired by a trip to Madrid, where my brother and his family lived at the time and all the walking they did, and I've been walking and running every since. I am doing a Couch to 5K program (which is pretty challenging for a person missing almost an entire lung) for the second time now--maybe this time I will make it to running a 5K. :)

4) Use your experience
I may or may not have mentioned that I volunteer with Imerman Angels as a mentor for others who have recently gotten a cancer diagnosis. I also email and talk with people who find me in different ways. I suppose I could do more, though.

5) Give yourself a day...or month...or year.
Yes, yes. I am still doing this. Maybe this blog is part of giving myself support and time and understanding as well.

A Week Alone

Captain Obvious is coming home today and tomorrow we are going to go pick up Captain Adorable. Capt. Obvious was in Australia for a meeting where he presented a paper. We had hoped I'd be able to go with him but it didn't work out. Capt. Adorable is in Tennessee spending his annual week with Oma and Opa.

I missed both of them terribly and I long to have them back home. At the same time, I noticed how clean the house is--amazing! I clean it and it stays clean! It feels so lonely at night when I go to bed. I barricade myself into the bedroom each night because it makes me feel safe. I bought a game for myself (play on the PS3) and have had a wonderful time playing it and watching Downton Abbey because I don't have to take anyone else's preferences into account.

I hosted an impromptu get-together for a few friends from my neighborhood. Which was such fun that I really hope we do it again. It was so easy to host with no worries about planning around my beloveds.

I've also been working. Not as much as I should have, but hours each day. Now that I think about it, I've done work for three clients and one potential client this week. OK, so I'm not making any money (in fact the practice is still in the red) but wow, four clients seems pretty good!

Summer: Travels, Work

As we approach the last week of July I am amazed at how fast the summer has gone. I remember how slowly time seemed to pass when I was a child. I wished then I could speed it up and of course now I wish I could slow it down.

So far this summer I drove with Captain Adorable and Captain Obvious to Tennessee. While where we visited my parents and Captain Obvious and I attended a friend's wedding. After some thought, I decided to take Capt. Adorable and drive to Atlanta to visit my brother, his wife, and their children for a couple of days. My brother and his family have been living in Europe, and we hadn't seen them since last summer's vacation in Croatia. I got to meet my little new niece, who I will call Birdie because she chirps like a bird. She was 3 and a half months old when I met her and oh what a wonderful sweet baby. 

We visited the Atlanta children's museum, called Imagine It!, which was fun but not as wonderful as Port Discovery in Baltimore. We also visited the Atlanta Botanical gardens, which were fantastic! I'd really like to go there again next time we visit Atlanta.

Then we drove to Chapel Hill, North Carolina, met up with Captain Obvious who was there for work, stayed the night, and drove home the next morning. It was quite a relief to be back home after all that driving! 

The day after we got home I attended a day-long seminar on hanging out a shingle which was very informative. Then one day off, then Monday rolled around and Captain Adorable had a (second) week at camp. While he was at camp I dove into my computer (worked from the minute I got home from dropping him off till I had to leave to pick him up) for a couple of days for one client, and then worked at a less feverish pace doing research and developing documents for other areas of my practice.  I am learning a lot and get a lot of satisfaction out of what I am doing.

I hope there are some lazy days this summer, too. Maybe in August. ;)

A high school acquaintance/friend of mine just contacted me to let me know she had been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer with metastasis to the liver.  We exchanged a bunch of emails; I've been thinking about cancer and reactions to diagnosis for the last few days. 

What a beautiful life I lead. What a lucky/blessed person I am.

Next CT in Six Months

The news is: the CT scan yesterday was clear, according to the preliminary report. I will get the full report in a few days along with a CD containing my scan. I order one every time so that if I ever need to send it off to some other medical facility it will be easy for me to accomplish.

It was a stressful day, yesterday. The effects of the prednisone (makes me eat more, sleep less, and be super emotional and aggressive--everything becomes an emergency to me) make an already stressful situation much harder.

For example: I had gotten confused about the appointment time and arrived 2 hours early. This made me stressed out as it was very important to me and to Captain Adorable that I was on time to pick him up from camp (and not have him go to after-care). I ended up having to just let Captain Obvious deal with the issue because I was way too wound up about it, even breaking into tears in the lobby. Fortunately everything worked out.

Next time I go for a scan I will have a new doctor (new fellow). Which is good. I give myself a gold star everytime I out last a fellow. This new one will be my fourth.

Along with my happiness there is also sadness and loss. I still long for another child. Sometimes the feeling fades and sometimes it comes rushing back, large and in color. Yesterday it came back. Today I am recovering. For the next few days I am recovering... Why is it that, when I have so much, when I am so rich, so lucky, with a full life and a full heart and the best possible outcome I could have imagined, surrounded and supported by my beloved family and dear friends, why do I still yearn for this child who does not exist?

First Week of Summer Vacation 2013

Captain Adorable is no longer a kindergartener; the last day of school was on June 14. This last week, his first week of summer vacation has been fun. Its been good getting used to having him with me all the time again, though there have been a few moments of frustration for me and boredom for him because of trying to balance my new work obligations with his desire to be entertained. I want to be with him and play and read and go for adventures all day long, but I had clients to meet, so preparation work before, and follow up work after. I'm making it sound like a big deal, but it wasn't that bad. At home, he played with his legos more than ever before (and did a few experiments with them, including freezing a bunch of lego guys together!) and looked at things through his microscope. He wrote in his journal several times. I took him on several adventures, including swimming at the neighbor's pool, to a walking and biking (5.74 miles!) at a large local park, and of course the three of us went sailing last night--a moonlight sail to look at the supermoon.

Here are photos of a few of the adventures this week.

Frozen lego guys

Dip in the pool

Walk by the water in the park

Supermoon rising over the water as sun sets 

Wind, waves, and supermoon

Just when I've gotten used to being together with my smart, funny, creative, sweet boy, he's off to day camp next week. I'll miss him but I'll get a bunch of work done and I'll exercise everyday!

Craters on the Moon

Last weekend we sailed to the the Rhode River to anchor and spend the night. It was a beautiful day--and lovely weather. The sky was blue and the wind was good. The three of us were together. We saw an osprey carrying a fish in its talons. We looked for jellyfish and saw none. We counted cargo ships anchored in the Bay. I asked Captain Adorable if he could see the moon. He replied, "Yes, I see it. I see craters. They are very small, but on the moon they are very large."

My next CT scan is on Wednesday. As I get closer to it, I wonder if it will turn out to be a small crater or a large one.