Good News?

I think that the results of the CT scan might be good news. (Part of me is still scared, though.) If you read my post from October 20, 2007, you can see the description of the results of the PET CT scan I had before starting chemotherapy. The results of the scan today are being compared to that scan. That scan showed 2 nodules in my lung, which my oncologist said were probably not cancer. Today the scan results say that one of those nodules has gone from being 7 millimeters to being 8 millimeters. My oncologist does not seem concerned by this, since the difference is so small and it is so difficult to get scans that are exactly the same, so the difference could be more due to just being two different scans rather than being a nodule showing growth.

But, it could be, so I am scheduled for another CT scan in 2 months. If that one comes back ok then the next CT scan after that will be 3 months after that. If it does show growth, then I am looking at more lung surgery, more chemotherapy, and maybe some radiation. Scary scary stuff. I hope that the next scan shows no growth, just a harmless nodule.

Goodness gracious, the realities of my life expectancy are coming back to the forefront of my mind. I cried a lot last night and I cried at the hospital today too. The idea of dying is not one I am at peace with right now. If I am going to be alive for 10 years then I want to live my life in a different way than if I only have 5 years left. I would prefer to live for 10 or 20 or 30 years, obviously, but the odds are against me...of course, I am not a statistic. I am a bit of an oddity, being so young and all that, so perhaps those statistics (only 14-15% of people diagnosed with lung cancer are alive 5 years later) do not apply to me, or to put it another way, perhaps I have every expectation of being part of the 14-15% of survivors.

So, if I am only going to live for 5 years or less, I am not sure I want to spend 9 weeks of that time studying for and taking the bar. If that's all the time I have left, then I want to spend every minute with my son.

Everything Went Well

Dinner last night was fun! And Captain Adorable went to sleep for my Mom! It all worked out and I did not need to worry as much as I did before hand, thank goodness.

Still Feeling Sick And Bedtime Worries

I still feel sick. I threw up last night, after feeling like it was going to happen all day. A whole day of feeling like I was going to blow was not pleasant. Anyhow, when I finally did pop, I did not make it to the bathroom in time, so I got vomit all over the floor. Captain Obvious cleaned it all up--even washed the clothes I had to take off because they were covered in vomit--and I went to bed, where I lay without sleeping till after 12:00. So, I did not get much sleep last night. I feel headachy and tired today. But at least I do not feel nauseated.

Captain Obvious and I are supposed to have dinner out with some friends tonight. My Mom is going to try to put Captain Adorable to bed tonight so we can go out. I feel a little nervous about this. I mean, Captain Adorable knows her and loves her and she has given him his bedtime bath plenty of times, so it is not that far a stretch for her to put him to bed after she gets him out of the bath. But of course I worry that he will cry, and not be comfortable, and just not be able to fall asleep easily, like he normally does. I guess you could say, oh, it is only one night, what does it matter, but it matters to me. One night of not sleeping well impacts my week, surely it will impact him as well. Still, we are planning an early dinner (meeting them at 6:00), so maybe we will be home in time for a parent to put him to sleep at 8:00 and none of this worrying I am doing will matter.

Captain Obvious made cookies last night (in the oven of our new stove). I did not have any last night since I felt so bad...but this morning I did eat one. Captain Adorable came over to me and looked at me eating it with those big beautiful eyes until finally I gave him a little piece. He yummed it right up and I had to give him 2 more pieces before I could finish the cookie. I did not want to give him sugar-laden foods like cookies this young, but I guess a rare little bite is ok. Plus, now I can tell him that the first cookie he ever ate was made by his Daddy. :)

Complaining About Feeling Sick

OK, I am going to complain a bit. This morning I felt bad. I woke up for the first time at 5:44 because I heard Captain Adorable's voice from the master bedroom. I decided to try to go back to sleep. I woke again at 6:15 to the sound of my son's voice, again. I decided to try to doze a bit more. At 6:45 I woke up because my husband yelled "Mommy Pants!" (He calls me Mommy Pants as a little pet name sometimes--really only in the morning when he wakes up and he wants me to come get in bed with him and Captain Adorable.) My cough is still with me. This morning every time I coughed it caused me to throw up a little. There was nothing in my stomach, so I just threw up stomach bile (nasty). My nose was all dry and bloody, so every time I blew my nose the tissue was all red. I am still sick with the little cold Captain Adorable brought home from the library, and this morning I had to blow my nose often. So, picture it, there I was, sitting on the toilet trying to answer the call of nature, coughing and throwing up in the trash can, with a bloody nose. Pleasant way to greet the day. On top of that, the vein that has been hurting (phlebitis, hope I spelled that right) in my right arm was still feeling bad.

Fortunately my sweet husband agreed to work from home this afternoon. That meant I would have the opportunity to take a nap. Heavenly. I only slept for an hour and a half, but I fell asleep as soon as I got in bed, so I guess my body really needed that nap.

Captain Adorable has not eaten well today. I do not know why he has been so uninterested in eating, but even getting his breakfast into him this morning was harder than normal. Usually he hungrily eats 1 and a half to 2 four-ounce yogurts but this morning he was not even interested in finishing one! I managed to feed him the other one after his morning nap...but he did not eat a good lunch or a good dinner. He did have his quota of four servings of yogurt, so I know he got enough protein today...he wouldn't eat any of the butternut squash puree I made last night (he liked it and ate it happily last night) from baked butternut squash and milk. I hope he will eat better tomorrow.

He went to sleep easily tonight (just like every night) but he woke up at 9:45 and now, at 10:05, he is still being helped back to sleep by Captain Obvious. I hope he is not awake because he is hungry. If so, Captain Obvious is not going to have a good night...

My Mom and Dad are arriving on Saturday. I look forward to seeing them both. They are going to care for Captain Adorable while Captain Obvious and I go to the hospital for my CT scan and appointment with the oncologist on Monday.

Journey Back To Normal

I am still close enough to the most recent chemo treatment that I feel somewhat sick and tired (threw up yesterday morning) but I am far enough away that I am starting to think about when I will return to the family bed. I have a CT scan and an appointment with my oncologist scheduled for the 28th, so I guess on that day I get to find out the answers to questions like how long till all the chemo is out of my body and when can I drink alcohol again...(not that I want to get drunk, but maybe some weekend night it would be nice to have a glass of wine with my husband).

Captain Adorable is learning new skills all the time. He plays (our version of) peekaboo now. Very cute! Earlier today I was doing laundry (in the basement) and he figured out a way to squeeze himself in between the railings protecting the stairs going to the basement. His efforts scared me because if he is successful, he could easily accidentally throw himself down the stairs. Captain Obvious is going to have to do some work on that railing tonight to make it impossible for the little one to squeeze through there anymore.

I still have no decided what, if anything, to do about employment and the bar. I do not want to have to put Captain Adorable into daycare. I feel that I can take better care of him than anyone else and I will cherish every little moment, every little development in a way no one else will, so why shouldn't it be me who cares for him? On the other hand, that does limit me and our family quite a bit...and Captain Obvious asks me if I don't think that it is possible that Captain Adorable could have fun being in day care, with other kids? I do not know, never having gone to day care myself...anyhow, no real conclusions, just thoughts.

I Don't Believe It, But Last Chemo Was Today

Well, I still can't really believe it, but today was supposedly my last dose of chemo. I still feel like they've got their hooks in me and I will have to go back somehow or another. I have an appointment on the 28th for a CT scan and a visit with the oncologist and I am scared of that day. In anticipation of today, I've been throwing up and crying and freaking out since yesterday. I don't want to go to that building ever ever again. But I have to...in 10 days. And I will keep on having to go back for the next few years. I guess what I am trying to say is I have no celebration or sense of happiness about this. I am relieved that I do not have to go back in a week or two, but not more than that right now.

Now I've got to start worrying about whether to take the bar in July (and find childcare so I can study) or if I should try to find a job (and find childcare). I can always take the bar in February (or never, if I so choose) but I am not ready to give up on it yet! It just seems so stressful, such a big thing on my plate again and I am not quite up for it yet...maybe in a few days/weeks my mind will be changed. Right now I feel just weak and I want to sleep and sleep and sleep for a few days. I want to go back to hanging out with my son a normal amount instead of being in bed, napping all the time. I want to see my friends without the fear of getting sick.

In more happy news, Captain Adorable has started doing another new thing. He is now putting his wooden blocks in to the container. He loves to empty the container, but this new putting them into the container is just too cute! He also will hand you blocks that he has. I love to see his changes and I look forward to lots of emptying of containers and putting blocks back in them in the next few weeks.

Pic From First Birthday

This is a pic of me and Captain Adorable on his first birthday (Jan. 6, 2008). Aren't we cute? It was a good day for both of us, even though he was not interested in sticking his hands in his cake (as previously discussed).

He has been working on a cold for the last 3 days including today. I think he is getting over it now. I guess the kid with the pacifier at the library did have a little cold even though he didn't look sick (as previously discussed).

Anyhow, I have been having a bit of fever this time (nothing higher than 99.4) but no vomiting. I have been doing my usual thing of sleeping a lot, and I can almost always go to sleep again after only an hour or so awake. It is tiring to be tired all the time. Thank goodness that my Mom is here to take care of Captain Adorable and give him all sorts of good Oma love and tenderness. If not for her extra care I think his cold would last longer. She so devotedly makes sure he gets good long naps by putting him in the Ergo and walking him around the living room for hours so he can get his rest! He is a lucky baby.