Saturday, October 20, 2007

Good News, Ongoing Bad News, and Our Trip

Good News

The results from the PET CT scan are back and the results are good for the most part. There are 2 nodules which showed up on the CT scan. One is in my right upper lung and one is in the left upper lung. Both are very small (smaller than 8mm, the smallest thing the PET will show) and both could be cancer but could be scars or other things (don't know what). I asked the oncologist if she thought they were cancer or question marks and she said question marks. They are too small to biopsy. I asked the doctor (on my father-in-law's advice) to please check the CT scan taken in June for the nodules. The left one does show up in the June CT and the right one does not. This does not mean much--certainly does not change treatment recommendations. So, this is good news. No big lesions anywhere and even these nodules look benign...then again, all the doctors told me the lung tumor was benign too and that really did not turn out like they thought...

Ongoing Bad News

When I asked about my life expectancy and such, the oncologist said that while chemotherapy can help me, this cancer will likely be back (adenocarcinoma is know for reoccurance). She said that she knows people who are alive 5 years after treatment, but those people tend to be the young ones. She said she didn't think I'd die in a year, but she has nothing to say about whether I will make it past 5 years.

Thinking about dying makes me sad--not because I am afraid (I am not) but because I do not want to leave my baby. I would definitely want my beloved husband to marry again and go on with his life, but I do not want my son to be a step-child. I know what it is like to be a step-child and because I want the best for my child, I do not want that for him. (Weak attempt at humor: plus he'd be a red-headed step-child. Ha ha.)

The oncologist says I should start chemotherapy 6-8 weeks after surgery for the best chance at survival and I should not delay past 3 months. That would mean starting chemo in the first or second week of November. Which means I have to wean by then. And now the crying begins.

On Friday I spent 2 hours trying to get Capt. Adorable to take a nap with my singing and stroking and rocking method. I offered pacifiers (2 kinds) I walked him inside and out back on the deck. I sat and sang. I took him for a 45 minute walk (keep in mind it has been only 6 weeks since I had 2 lobes of my right lung removed--a 45 minute walk with my big, heavy baby in a mei tai is a bigger deal for me than most.) No dice. He cried. And cried. And cried. This from my baby who doesn't really cry. My sweet, happy darling who is confident that his mama will be there to meet his needs...this precious baby I have to betray by withholding. I have to not give him what he needs, what he asks for, what he should have. After shedding a few tears myself, I gave in at 11:07 and gave him the breast. Immediately there was peace. Capt. Adorable closed his eyes, relaxed his body (which he had been throwing backwards as hard as possible), and went to sleep.

I know whoever reading this blog has got to be tired of me saying this by now but I DO NOT WANT TO WEAN MY BABY! It hurts me to do so. My heart aches: for him and for me.

Our Trip

Our visit to Luray Caverns was pretty cool. Of course Capt. Obvious wore Capt. Adorable in the canverns, and that worked out nicely as usual. We took a bunch of pics. Perhaps I will even get around to posting one here. The hotel we stayed in that night was better than either Capt. Obvious or I expected, but the stupid alarm clock went off at 6:15! Neither parent could not get Capt. Adorable back to sleep and if the baby don't sleep, no body sleeps, so we were up as a family. Eventually we all got showered and dressed and headed down to breakfast, which was not bad. I made sure to clean up the floor and wipe the table down before we left so that the next people to sit at the table we used wouldn't slip on a bit of grape or dirty their shirt sleeves with yogurt residue on the table top. I looked up to see a (probably very nice) woman talking to Capt. Adorable and Touching His Nose!!! I gave her an eat sh*t and die look and she took off pretty quickly. I just don't understand why on earth people think it is ok to touch a baby without permission. Especially his NOSE--I mean why not just stick your effing fingers in his mouth, you germ covered freak??? I don't know where you've been! You trying to make my baby sick? OK, rant over. :)

Monticello was pretty cool. I think Mount Vernon might be a little nicer, just from a tourist's perspective. I was surprised the house was made of brick. We took a bunch of pics at Monticello and even some video. The ride back was not bad from the perspective that Capt. Adorable slept most of the way. It was really bad from the perspective that Capt. Obvious and I started talking a little about what to do with this latest news about the cancer and both ended up in tears for quite a while. He was driving and crying and I was in the back seat with the babe crying (silently, so the babe could sleep). Ah well, at least it kept us awake for the drive.

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