I had a hard time thinking of a good title for this post because my emotions are so strong. I feel totally vulnerable. I feel almost like I've felt when I had a broken heart: blown apart. I have so much deep sorrow that can spill out so easily...I could wallow in that for a few pages. At the same time, today was not all terrible and tomorrow will be a bit better. I was lucky enough to once again to be together with Capt. Adorable today. I held, cuddled, fed, sang to, kissed, carried, and laughed with him. So not everything is dark. I mean: I have cancer and I have to wean my baby because if it, but I am alive and I love and I am loved. The sun still shines and flowers still smell sweet.
While lying in bed last night, waiting for sleep to come, I realized that yesterday afternoon was our last daytime nursing. I did not know it was the very last one at the time, though I did know it was one of a very few, so I did cherish it. It is good that I was not aware it was the last one because I probably would have cried and been sad instead of feeling happy and cuddly. It was a lovely nursing--we laid on the couch together and the babe nursed from one side for 11 minutes, then from the other for about 10 minutes. (I remember glancing at the clock when he was done, because it said 2:22.) He has been recently starting to do the gymnastics I so often read that other nurslings do on the motheringdotcommune boards. My perception of his efforts to move his whole body around while he nurses is that it is cute and a sign of his maturation and growing control over his body. But yeah, the day time nursings are over. Yesterday was the last one. I have really good memories of nursing him to last me a long time.
As far as napping goes, today was not bad. He took his morning nap (of an hour and 20 minutes!) in my arms in the glider. (Wonderful feeling to have my little love warm and soft against me.) The afternoon nap was another issue. Capt. Obvious took the babe upstairs with a bottle and tried his best to sing Capt. Adorable to sleep. Despite the effort, Capt. Adorable would not sleep or take the bottle. I don't know exactly what happened up there, but after 45 minutes the crying was pretty loud and punctuated with coughing, which means that he is crying so hard he can't swallow the surfeit of saliva and snot produced by crying. I went upstairs to suggest that a change of scenery was in order. While I respect my husband's efforts, I also respect my baby's need to be comforted, so I intervened. Not to say that Capt. Obvious was not comforting Capt. Adorable--I just think that sometimes parenting can be stressful and a supportive suggestion from one's partner can help both the parent and the child. Anyhow, Capt. Obvious did change tactics (and rooms) and tried for another 45 minutes to help the babe take the bottle and go to sleep. No dice. They came downstairs and together we gave the baby a little meal (seeing as he wouldn't take the bottle). Once his belly was full, Capt. Obvious took him for a walk. Sleep did come to the stroller, so the babe got a hour or so worth of good quality nap and Capt. Obvious got a quality walk.
Once they were back from the walk, Capt. Adorable played happily on the living room floor (supervised by his Daddy, of course). While we were waiting for the food to finish cooking, Capt. Obvious and I tried to get Capt. Adorable to drink. Yes, he did drink greedily, but it was fun because he laughed and laughed at the encouraging noises I was making, so I started laughing and soon we were all laughing. It was pretty great! In addition, I made lasagna for dinner and Capt. Obvious said it was the best one I had ever made. :)
Once dinner was done, we went upstairs to complete our normal bedtime routine. Nursing my baby to sleep was wonderful and I am incredibly happy that we can keep doing it for a little while.
Thank goodness for Capt. Obvious today. I am strong and I could have done it without him, but it is unspeakably better to cry on my husband's chest with his arms around me than to swallow my sorrow and be strong alone.
Tomorrow it will all be a little easier as this becomes our new normal.
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