Friday, May 28, 2010

Some Normal Feeling

Tonight, while putting Captain Adorable to bed, I noticed that I could feel it when I lightly touched the bottom part of my right breast. Most of the time I feel either nothing or pain on that side of my upper torso: even the lightest touches are painful, or just ridiculously uncomfortable, which is pretty much pain. Anyhow, I am so pleased about this non-painful feeling that I am writing in my blog about it!

In other news, we had some of the dead trees on our property cut down this morning. You can imagine how wonderfully happy and excited the little Captain was! It is so nice not to have to worry about having those trees fall on our house or the neighbor's house any longer!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Despite the Sunburn and Motion Sickness

After being out on the boat late Friday evening, we decided to hit the Bay again this morning because the weather report said it would be nice and the winds would be 10-15 knots. We figured we'd be out about 3 hours--back by 1:00. I am so glad we went out! It was gorgeous and the winds were great. We got back at 5:00, and despite the sunburn (I thought it was going to be cloudy and we'd only be out a little while!) on me and Captain Obvious (fortunately for him, I am absolutely religious about sunscreen application when it comes to my son) and motion sickness (didn't actually puke, just felt like it for a looooong time) we had a great time.

There were dozens of other sailboats out on the water and we were sailing at a top speed of 4.5-5 knots! Didn't heel (lean) too much, just right for fun cruising. Captain Adorable had a long nap on board. He slept in the cabin till the VHF transmissions got too frequent for him to sleep, then slept in my lap till my legs began to ache and I set him up with a pillow to sleep on in the cockpit. Had to cover him with a blanket because although he had sunscreen on, I didn't want to take any chances. Fortunately it was cool enough for this solution.

I am so astounded at how wonderful my life is, how very lucky/blessed I am. At diagnosis in Sept 2007 I was not sure I was going to be alive today (in fact I was sure I'd be dead) and here I am, living a life I did not imagine ever having. I am grateful to be here every day.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I Told Him The Whole Story

My mother was always honest with me when I asked about where babies come from. Of course in an age-appropriate way. I always knew that I would tell my child the truth also.

I've been telling Captain Adorable about how babies grow inside their mamas' tummies and I've told him that a daddy puts a seed inside a mama and that together the seed from the daddy and the egg from the mama make a baby grow from the get-go, but today I told him the whole truth. Meaning that he asked me how the seed gets "so far in there." So I told him that the seeds are also called sperm. I told him that when he is a man these seeds will grow inside his balls and they come out of the penis. I said that when a man an a woman who love each other decide they want to make a baby together, the man puts the seed inside the woman's vagina with his penis. Thanks goodness he did not ask many questions about that mechanics of that! Will have to think how to make that age-appropriate so I will be prepared when he does ask. And yes, I did tell him a bit of a lie because I gave the two pre-requisites of 1) love for each other and 2) decision to make a baby together. Ah well. I'll tell him the truth eventually. (And if he loves a man and they want to have a baby together, of course there are other options, not trying to dictate a hetero life for him. I think I am talking to him about how babies are made, not dictating to him what his life choices must be...I hope that is what I am doing, at least.)

Then the conversation changed to how Daddy and I love each other and decided to make a baby (Captain Adorable himself) together. This of course makes him very happy. I guess the idea of us wanting him and loving him even before he was born make him feel good. :)

Went sailing yesterday evening and this evening. Sandwiches and fruit on the boat for dinner. Delicious fun.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Clear Till Next Time

Whew. The results show no new cancer and no growth from the nodules that were already not growing. No treatment recommended at this time. Next CT in 3 months. Onc said she wants to do a CT every 3 months for the next 2 years. If it is going to come back it will most likely come back within the next 2 years. So, for the next three months I can focus on continuing recovery from the surgery in January.

For those of the more medical persuasion, below is a portion of the preliminary report (all that was available at the time of my appointment, which was only just over an hour later). I requested a CD and a copy of the final report to be mailed to me later.




TECHNIQUE: Axial CT of the chest, abdomen and pelvis following the uneventful administration of oral and IV contrast.

COMPARISON: 11/11/09


CHEST: Previously seen lobulated pulmonary modules involving the peripheral aspect of the right upper and right lower lobe have been resected with intimal scarring and surgical clips now present. Postsurgical changes are again noted from the right middle lobectomy. Stable irregular shaped pulmonary nodule left upper lobe. Stable pulmonary nodule left upper lobe. There are no new pulmonary nodules or masses. Stable subcentimeter precarinal lymph node measuring 8mm in short axis. There is no mediastinal, hilar, or axillary lyphadenopathy. There is a trace amount of fluid at the lobectomy site. No pericardinal effusion. Heart size normal. The thoracic aorta is normal in size and caliber.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

CT Scan Tomorrow

My first post-surgery CT scan is tomorrow. I am scared. That familiar fear, as I said in a previous post, is affecting me right now. Over the weekend I was going through the prescription drugs, moving from one cabinet to another, and I was 1) amazed by the quantity of drugs there and 2) suddenly sobbing. Here is a pic of what I was looking at. This does not include the drugs upstairs in the bathroom, nor does it include the prescription bottles I've emptied. You're looking at thousands of dollars worth of drugs.
I had to quickly stop the sorrow because my little guy was worried. He hugged me (as encouraged by his Daddy) with a very serious face and I wiped my tears and told him that I had a choice to remain sad or to be happy and that I was going to be happy. I put on some happy music and we moved on with the day. Those memories of sorrow and pain and chemo are strong, though, and sometimes it is difficult to chose happiness.

But here's what we did later that day. Ahhhh, the sound of the wind and the water. The feel of the boat beneath you. Makes me so happy.
She's on a mooring. One day (the waiting list is 4-5 years long) we'll have a slip, but until then it is row row row. Which is also kinda fun.
Happy thoughts and memories to fill my heart and carry me through the procedures tomorrow.

Look at the time. Gotta take my prednisone soon.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Every Moment

My darling son, my sweet Captain Adorable, I want you to know that I see you and I love you in every moment. I see your beauty. I witness your strength, your softness, your passion, your happiness. I am here with you for the moment you see the big spider web in the corner of an unused picnic spot. I hold your sweet cool hand as we cross the street. I feel your excitement when you get to cut the olives for dinner. I see you the way that no one else will ever see you because I am your parent and I am oh so grateful for every moment we share. These fleeting moments of childhood will not be forgotten because I see them and I will always hold them dear.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Such A Beautiful Sight

Wednesday, May 19 is my next CT scan. I am getting nervous. I recently had a nightmare in which I dreamed there was cancer throughout my body. I hope hope hope that it will remain just a nightmare. Other than that familiar fear, this afternoon/evening I got to see such a beautiful sight that I wanted to write it down.

The captains and I went sailing late in the day (left about 4:30pm) and did not get home again till 10:00! We stayed out much longer than we meant to, and ended up coming back in the dark. We actually ran aground at one point, but put the engine in reverse and got out of it and back on track. Scary! Another mistake I think we will not make again.

On the way in from the Bay we were watching the sun set. As lovely as it is to watch the sunset, we were treated to more! As the light faded and the last of the sun's rosy gleam lit the sky, we could more clearly see a tiny delicate waxing crescent of a new moon (but with the whole thing visible, if you know what I mean), and then a bit further up, a clear bright Evening Star! (Venus). And the darkening sky with stars glimmering above. So beautiful.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Sailing Pics

Here are a couple pics of my captains on the new (to us) boat. These were taken almost at the end of our maiden voyage. The first one was taken from the stern and the second from the cabin. You can't see much of the boat, but you can see the captains are very happy in the beautiful rosy light of the setting sun. I have taken a couple photos of the boat but have not downloaded them from the camera yet, so I hope this is enough to satisfy curiosity for now.

We went out on the water again this afternoon/evening. It was such a relief to get the boat out of that slip (thank goodness the wind direction changed). I took the tiller and was Captain for the day (learning but still). We didn't put the sail up, just motored around a bit. No one else was out, so a perfect time for a beginner. As we were tying up to the mooring we saw a couple of people in kayaks, which was nice. I so love being on the water. You see things that you don't see from the land, like a secret world. And the river we live on is gross. I need to look up some conservation group to volunteer with; it needs help!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Lesson Learned

We made a terrible mistake with our boat, but I think we have learned our lesson. When we came in on Friday evening from sailing all day, we tied up in the transient slip provided at our neighborhood marina (72 hour slip). We intended to move her this afternoon, after coming home from Mother's Day festivities at my sweet MIL's house, but what with one thing and another we stayed about an hour longer than we should have and came home a bit late. The tide was going out (low tide at about 8:30 tonight) and the wind was pushing the water out of the river, back into the Bay, making for an extremely low tide....and yes, you guessed it, our lovely boat is Stuck. Floating enough to make you think she's fine but no, she's aground. Oh golly. What a horrible discovery. But we definitely won't make that mistake again!

And we had planned to have a nice little sail to celebrate Mother's Day but no, instead we just felt awful. Ah well, hopefully the wind direction will change soon and we will be able to get her on her mooring soon.


Friday, May 7, 2010

Maiden Voyage

Following in the footsteps of our crazy decision to buy a sailboat, we made another crazy, spur-of-the moment decision this morning and decided to go bring our boat home. When we bought it, it stayed in the slip where the previous owner had it until we could come get it. Well our drop dead date was May 12, and we decided to just go ahead and do it today instead. I was a little worried, but figured that if my darling Captain Obvious said he could, then he could. We were both correct.

It took us about 6 hours to sail from the slip in the St. Micheal's area to the Annapolis area. Just the three of us aboard. Nice winds. Some no-joke waves (Capt. Obvious says they were between 1 and 3 feet, which means that some were 1 and some were 3!). I did get sea-sick, which is to be expected, unless I have anti-motion sickness meds and I did not. So, yeah, I puked. Captain Adorable was a bit bored and also rather excited and really wanted to pull on every line he saw, but all-in-all, he was incredibly cooperative and wonderful.

And now, my dear friends, I am tired and my living room stills feels a bit like the sea...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Three Is Different Than Two

My darling child is constantly growing and changing. But oh, three years old is different than two years old. I hosted a play date for a local moms group on Monday (yesterday) and I was shocked and embarrassed and angered by my son's behavior. He kept loudly announcing that he wanted all the people to go away. And other remarks like that (but meanwhile was having a fabulous time playing with the kids who were here). It was not really until the bike incident that I was super-stressed though. We were all going to go for a walk down to the water and I had allowed him to ride his bike instead of walk. We were all waiting outside the house for one mama to join us. Captain Adorable took off on his bike. I called him back, saying that he had to stay where I could see him. He came back but left again almost immediately. This time he went and went and went. I got kind of scared, and called and called and ran after him (yes, ok, not the best reaction, but my only excuse is that I was already stressed and angered by his various other misbehaviors throughout the morning). He was coming back when I reached him. I took the bike away, reminding him, "When you do not obey, you loose your choices. Now I am making the choice and I choose to take the bike away." I put it in the garage. There was much screaming. And yelling. And crying. I picked him up and walked ahead, trying to get away from the pack, but the only thing that got me was out of breath. I was so embarrassed. I was surprised that his reaction was so violent. I was at a loss for what to do. Next time I will go slower, be less worried about the other moms, and take the time to be calm and firm instead of super excited and firm. I will also not carry him!