Monday, September 26, 2011

Dwelling on Test Results

You know when you really want some event or other to happen and you wish over and over again that the time for that event was NOW? I call that wishing the time away, because by while wishing for that one event to happen, for that time to arrive, you are not living here, in this moment. (It sounds so cliche, but) every moment is precious and valuable and wishing away any moment is a waste.

And yes, I have been wishing the time away lately. My stress level concerning the bar results is growing and growing. I am convinced that I failed because I can't possibly have passed. I sweep away the reassurances of my husband and family and plan for what I will do once I get the news that I failed. I can take it again in February, right? I still have all my study materials...maybe I should start reading law again, getting back to those flash cards. It feels like an engine revving higher and higher as I dwell on the topic. I wish and wish that it was November so I would know the answer.

Next CT scan is December 9. When I got the final report for the most recent scan, it said that there was a change (unlike the preliminary report, which had said there was no change). A very small change--only 2 mm--so it could be just a fluke of the machine. But it could be growth. The only way to really know is to have another CT scan. So, this next scan is important. And of course I am worried about the results, because I don't want to do treatment again, but at least we have options. We know how to deal with it, and the fact that Captain Adorable is in a preschool that he loves 3 mornings a week and there are two potential mother's helpers in the neighborhood who could come hang out with him while I nap, if needed, means that me being on chemo would be easier for everyone.

So, as you can tell, the results of these two test are very much on my mind. I am trying not to wish the time away...