Friday, October 26, 2007

Triumph...Almost.

This morning I was just so tired and my foot still hurt so much from the long walks this week that I tried to get Capt. Adorable to sleep in my arms again. I thought I'd just see what happened and if he cried I'd put him in the stroller. To my surprise and delight, he fell asleep in my arms after about 40 minutes of rocking and singing and stroking. He did not cry, really. Did moan some, but seemed mostly amenable to relaxation. And when he fell asleep...oh how wonderful I felt! Triumph! I was ready to settle in for an hour or so of sitting in the (nursing) chair with my sleeping baby on my lap.

Then the phone rang. Immediately after wards, my cell phone rang. Capt. Adorable stirred but did not wake for each of those episodes. I was nervous...then immediately after that, the house phone rang again and my Mom left a message. Again, I was thanking my lucky stars that the babe remained asleep. Then a few minutes later, the phone rang again. This time Capt. Adorable's eyes opened wide and he was definitely awake. The caller was someone from M.D. Anderson (in Texas) who was calling to confirm my appointment on the 30th. Sigh. I hated that guy so much.

Capt. Adorable only got 20 minutes of sleep. Still, it was good because he went to sleep in my arms and I learned the importance of TURNING THE RINGER DOWN!!!

For the afternoon nap I took him for a walk. It was pouring rain. My foot was so painful. I guess I am going to have to see a doctor about it (sigh). He was warm and dry in his cute little courderoy overalls and fleece jacket with the hood on his head and the rain cover on the stroller. I was not cold, but I was definitely not dry. By the time I got home I was soaked to the skin! He had a good nap, though--over an hour.

I was getting us all ready to go out again and run a couple of errands when I realized it was 2:00! Nursing time! We were both overjoyed to curl up together on the couch. I no longer nurse in the nursing chair because I want to be able to use that chair for cuddling and napping without the memories of nursing so immediate in Capt. Adorable's mind. Plus, side lying nursing is so sweet. After nursing, he played in his play area by himself for a while. Then we went to the health food store and he slept in the car on the way there, so he got in another 20 or so minutes.

The idea that after this weekend there will be no more nursing during the day is getting me down. Capt. Adorable did not eat a good dinner and was tired and eager to nurse to sleep. I dread cutting that nursing. Will he still love me when I no longer nurse him? Will we still have the same closeness when he is weaned? How will chemo's side-effects affect our relationship? If I am sick and distant and he can't nurse, won't there be distance between us? Will he feel abandoned by me? What will this do to his personality in the long run?

2 comments:

H&B's Mama said...

Oh mama...your sweet boy is going to know that you love him, that you are connected to him, that nothing can come between you. Your obvious love for your son is so visceral, instinctual and deep that there is no possible way he will be harmed in some permanent way. He is going to miss you, and it will be hard, but he is going to feel loved and supported. Many hugs, and I will be praying for you fervently.

Harleen said...

You know, not that I know or anything, but I would imagine that he would be stronger and closer to you for having nursed so sweetly for however long it was. People say they don't remember being a baby, but I do sometimes and the memories are always sweet. It's not necessarily that "mom was wearing a blue shirt" but it was "mom loves me and loves me and loves me." I know Baby would never forget that.