Thursday, June 27, 2013

Next CT in Six Months

The news is: the CT scan yesterday was clear, according to the preliminary report. I will get the full report in a few days along with a CD containing my scan. I order one every time so that if I ever need to send it off to some other medical facility it will be easy for me to accomplish.

It was a stressful day, yesterday. The effects of the prednisone (makes me eat more, sleep less, and be super emotional and aggressive--everything becomes an emergency to me) make an already stressful situation much harder.

For example: I had gotten confused about the appointment time and arrived 2 hours early. This made me stressed out as it was very important to me and to Captain Adorable that I was on time to pick him up from camp (and not have him go to after-care). I ended up having to just let Captain Obvious deal with the issue because I was way too wound up about it, even breaking into tears in the lobby. Fortunately everything worked out.

Next time I go for a scan I will have a new doctor (new fellow). Which is good. I give myself a gold star everytime I out last a fellow. This new one will be my fourth.

Along with my happiness there is also sadness and loss. I still long for another child. Sometimes the feeling fades and sometimes it comes rushing back, large and in color. Yesterday it came back. Today I am recovering. For the next few days I am recovering... Why is it that, when I have so much, when I am so rich, so lucky, with a full life and a full heart and the best possible outcome I could have imagined, surrounded and supported by my beloved family and dear friends, why do I still yearn for this child who does not exist?

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