Monday, December 12, 2011

I Don't Want To Have Cancer Anymore

I have said the above phrase so many times during the last 4+ years...and it is still true today. I found myself saying it to Captain Obvious just this afternoon. I don't have any answers. The oncologist at JHH told me today that they are recommending RFA and not chemo. I am not sure this is the right answer (but God help me I so don't want to have chemo). I was getting super depressed and deflated with the idea of chemo. And then I got so happy with the idea that I wouldn't have it (the last RFA was so easy!) but my darling Capt Obvious still uses his brain and dammit he's right I should try to get another opinion from NCI.

What if this is the first flake in a snow storm?

What if it is just an outlyer?

How many more times can I do a cut-and-poison routine (aka surgery followed by chemo)? I'd like to live another 40 years. Can I have chemo 20 more times? (I doubt it.) How long can I make this work? I'm back to day one instead of day 700something (my cancer is more likely to reoccur within the first 2 I am, at 2 years and it is back, therefore putting me back at day one).

Tomorrow is my Bar Admission Ceremony. So completely overshadowed; I do not much care. Feeling overwhelmingly that I made the wrong decision and should not have stolen the summer from Captain Adorable.


alexis224 said...

You did NOT "steal the summer" from CA. Even if you never do anything with your law license (which I very much doubt will be the case) - you set a goal, worked extremely hard and suceeded under your own power and tenacity. How can that ever be a bad thing for CA? Please think about that and be proud at your ceremony tomorrow!

I can't even imagine how you are feeling now so I don't mean to sound like I do, but please try to also take the long view. The bar exam was a GREAT decision, and please do consider getting a second opinion as well. Just think how much more confident you will feel when two doctors tell you that you don't need chemo. So since you did make it for two years, and now you have this very tiny and slow-growing nodule - that seems promising doesn't it? Doesn't that make you a little more ahead than day 1? I hope so.

Hugs to you.

Gina said...

So sorry to hear there was growth. Sending all my positive energy your way for the RFA.

Melissa said...

You can't stop living because of fear of what might happen, even if your worst nightmares come true after the fact. You worked hard and achieved a dream of yours - passing the bar. You didn't steal anything from Capt. A - you taught him that even in the face of the possibility of bad things, you were going to work for your dreams. You taught him to live each day fully, without fear. What better gift can a mother give her child?

Enjoy tomorrow. Be proud of your accomplishment! Praying for you guys. Lemme know how we can help!

OJ and Adam said...

I don't have any answers, just steady shoulders to lean on, cry against and help. *hugs*, Dear Rose, *hugs*