Quick Update

Captain Obvious here... Rose is doing well after her surgery. She is recovering in the ICU after a complication-free procedure.

What's Good About A Bad Thing?

It ends.

What's bad about a good thing?
It ends.

That's what my mama used to tell me and something I am sure I will tell Captain Adorable as he grows and matures.

It is also what I am telling myself now. Today was a wonderful day and I am sad that it is over. Tomorrow I will have a thorecotomy. Dr. Surgeon said it will take three hours, and then surgery will be over and I will go to the ICU and spend a night there. I will be full of tubes and drugs and pain. It will be hard.

But I am tough and I will handle it all. Time will pass. I will wake up and sleep and wake up and sleep and eventually I will recover enough to leave the ICU and go to a bed on a regular floor. My family and my friends will come to visit me. I will kiss my precious son.

I will heal more and more everyday and eventually I will come home. I will write blog entries complaining about everything. ;)

I Gonna Miss You

As I was eating my last few bites of dinner (stir-fried tofu, wilted spinach with garlic, and baked sweet potato fries with cumin), Captain Adorable insisted on climbing into my lap. He asked if tomorrow is his birthday and I said yes. He asked if after that I was going to go to the doctor. I said yes, and explained that I would have surgery. He said, "I gonna miss you," and wrapped his arms around my neck.

I was filling with an urge to cry but the joy of love won over and I was filled with love instead. I replied that I would miss him too. My mom spoke up and reminded us both that he can and will come visit me in the hospital. We were both comforted by that. Later, as I held him close to me while he fell asleep (Shame on those who choose CIO!), I told him that I love him all the time, whether I am with him or not. Like the moon, which is always there, even when we can't see it, I love him all the time, even when we are not together.

My child knocks me out. (I know every parent is filled with admiration for her/his child, but...) I am amazed at how this young child can understand and express emotion.

I love him so much. And me-oh-my how I will miss him.

Unhappy and Scared

I am unhappy and scared. I am worried. I feel sorry for myself and for my son. I think my husband looks forward to having a new wife. I fear the hospital. I feel totally losing control of my body and my life.

Nodule At Left Upper Apex

Turns out I heard incorrectly (thank goodness) and the nodule at the apex of the upper left lung is not an issue. I asked Dr. Surgeon "How much has the node in my upper left lobe grown since the last CT?" and he said "Negligible." I also talked to my oncologist (she's so awesome) on the phone last night and she clarified for me that it has not grown in a year. So, that removes some stress for me.

Incommunicado

Just so you know, I lost my cell phone over a week ago and I still can't find it. If you want to talk to me, email me or call the house. If you want the house phone number, email me and I will clue you in. :)

The Telephone

Happy New Year. :) No, really, I mean it. I wish health and love for you all in 2010.

So, Captain Adorable hates the telephone. Or rather, he hates it when I am on the telephone. And I prefer not to talk about cancer on the phone, since he can hear everything I say and it is a bit traumatic for him. Plus I have lately been feeling down and stressed and am likely to cry while talking about the upcoming surgery, which is something I really am trying to avoid doing in front of him these days. He's seen enough tears for a few days.

So if you call me and ask about the surgery I probably will not talk about it. Hope you understand.