You know when you really want some event or other to happen and you wish over and over again that the time for that event was NOW? I call that wishing the time away, because by while wishing for that one event to happen, for that time to arrive, you are not living here, in this moment. (It sounds so cliche, but) every moment is precious and valuable and wishing away any moment is a waste.
And yes, I have been wishing the time away lately. My stress level concerning the bar results is growing and growing. I am convinced that I failed because I can't possibly have passed. I sweep away the reassurances of my husband and family and plan for what I will do once I get the news that I failed. I can take it again in February, right? I still have all my study materials...maybe I should start reading law again, getting back to those flash cards. It feels like an engine revving higher and higher as I dwell on the topic. I wish and wish that it was November so I would know the answer.
Next CT scan is December 9. When I got the final report for the most recent scan, it said that there was a change (unlike the preliminary report, which had said there was no change). A very small change--only 2 mm--so it could be just a fluke of the machine. But it could be growth. The only way to really know is to have another CT scan. So, this next scan is important. And of course I am worried about the results, because I don't want to do treatment again, but at least we have options. We know how to deal with it, and the fact that Captain Adorable is in a preschool that he loves 3 mornings a week and there are two potential mother's helpers in the neighborhood who could come hang out with him while I nap, if needed, means that me being on chemo would be easier for everyone.
So, as you can tell, the results of these two test are very much on my mind. I am trying not to wish the time away...
Monday, September 26, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Tears Before CT Scan
Here's how the day works when I go in for my oncologist appointments and tests: first phlebotomy (blood), where I ask for a specific phlebotomist,s eeing as he is the only one who has never hurt or bruised me. I get him to put in an IV. Then upstairs for the CT scan. I have to drink two big glasses of some dye and then in the CT machine I am injected (through that IV) with another dye, to which I am allergic, so I have to premedicate with prednisone, a steriod. Then I have lunch (can't eat before the CT scan) and then I go meet the oncologist and get my results and go home. Of course there is a waiting room stay at every stop along the way.
Today I was feeling bad and scared (since yesterday already) and in the waiting room before phlembotomy, I broke down in tears. A nice woman got me some tissues (poor Captain Obvious was clueless and had no idea where to find tissues). I was able to collect myself.
Anyhow, he new oncologist did not impress me--more later on that subject. Right now I will just post the results: the preliminary results show no change! Yippee! All that work I did this summer is still worth it.
Today I was feeling bad and scared (since yesterday already) and in the waiting room before phlembotomy, I broke down in tears. A nice woman got me some tissues (poor Captain Obvious was clueless and had no idea where to find tissues). I was able to collect myself.
Anyhow, he new oncologist did not impress me--more later on that subject. Right now I will just post the results: the preliminary results show no change! Yippee! All that work I did this summer is still worth it.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Summer Milestones
Captain Adorable hit two big milestones this summer.
1) He learned how to swim. He is learning the crawl and is attempting to swim on his back these days. I had heard reports about this from Captain Obvious, but when bar study was over and I saw it for myself, I was really surprised! The kid can really swim!
2) He rides a pedal bike with no training wheels. I knew he could do this for months already, but he did not believe. We tried in the spring and I thought he was ready then, but he requested that the training wheels go back on. Then one day (a couple of weeks ago) he had heard me tell other people that I thought he could ride without training wheels. The next day he asked that we take the training wheels off and after one big frustration he rode it without problems. The training wheels will never go back on again. He goes faster than ever, but has developed a new respect for steep hills (which is fine with me), as he is still learning to use the brakes instead of his feet. He has even declared that he likes his pedal bike better than his Strider, so we've loaned it to a little boy across the street.
Tomorrow I have a CT scan. Will post results of course.
1) He learned how to swim. He is learning the crawl and is attempting to swim on his back these days. I had heard reports about this from Captain Obvious, but when bar study was over and I saw it for myself, I was really surprised! The kid can really swim!
2) He rides a pedal bike with no training wheels. I knew he could do this for months already, but he did not believe. We tried in the spring and I thought he was ready then, but he requested that the training wheels go back on. Then one day (a couple of weeks ago) he had heard me tell other people that I thought he could ride without training wheels. The next day he asked that we take the training wheels off and after one big frustration he rode it without problems. The training wheels will never go back on again. He goes faster than ever, but has developed a new respect for steep hills (which is fine with me), as he is still learning to use the brakes instead of his feet. He has even declared that he likes his pedal bike better than his Strider, so we've loaned it to a little boy across the street.
Tomorrow I have a CT scan. Will post results of course.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Up the Mast
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Celebrated on The Water
It was a long day. The exam is (and I know all exam takers of exams everywhere say this but) extremely hard. In fact, in the history of the Multistate Bar Exam (created in 1988), no one has ever achieved a perfect score. That includes people who teach the bar exam professionally, and have taken it over and over again. NO ONE has ever scored a perfect 200/200 (the highest score I know of was a 189). The exam is designed to be super hard. The answers are often all right, but one is more right. Sometimes the answers given are so close that the bar examiners end up having to credit two choices.
It is difficult to maintain the required focus when each question requires your COMPLETE ATTENTION for 200 questions over 6 hours. Of course, some are easier and some are harder. Lots of them require you to know (and apply ruthlessly, relentlessly) rules of prevailing common law (which sometimes contradict the law you have carefully learned for your jurisdiction...like the contrasting concepts of comparative negligence--majority view--and contributory negligence--minority view but used in my state, so I had to learn it for the essay portion anyhow) and statute that the majority uses (like Article 2 of the UCC, which covers the sale of goods). The fact patterns are designed to be confusing and often, to tug on the emotions of the test-takers. Sometimes the questions force you to give the reason one party wins when you know very well that there is no way that party would win in the real world. Sometimes the facts make you want very much to select the fair answer but of course the fair answer is wrong.
When I emerged from the test this afternoon I was extremely happy to see my son, who walked me to where my dear Captain Obvious was sitting under a tree, on the phone of course. I then sat in his lap (while he was writing work email on his phone, so supportive, ha) and cried for a for a few minutes.
Anyhow, I won't know my result for months.
For the rest few days post-bar prep period I plan to do a whole bunch of nothing. Just spend time with my beloved captains. Tonight we went sailing and that was lovely.
It is difficult to maintain the required focus when each question requires your COMPLETE ATTENTION for 200 questions over 6 hours. Of course, some are easier and some are harder. Lots of them require you to know (and apply ruthlessly, relentlessly) rules of prevailing common law (which sometimes contradict the law you have carefully learned for your jurisdiction...like the contrasting concepts of comparative negligence--majority view--and contributory negligence--minority view but used in my state, so I had to learn it for the essay portion anyhow) and statute that the majority uses (like Article 2 of the UCC, which covers the sale of goods). The fact patterns are designed to be confusing and often, to tug on the emotions of the test-takers. Sometimes the questions force you to give the reason one party wins when you know very well that there is no way that party would win in the real world. Sometimes the facts make you want very much to select the fair answer but of course the fair answer is wrong.
When I emerged from the test this afternoon I was extremely happy to see my son, who walked me to where my dear Captain Obvious was sitting under a tree, on the phone of course. I then sat in his lap (while he was writing work email on his phone, so supportive, ha) and cried for a for a few minutes.
Anyhow, I won't know my result for months.
For the rest few days post-bar prep period I plan to do a whole bunch of nothing. Just spend time with my beloved captains. Tonight we went sailing and that was lovely.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
One Half (or Two Thirds) Done
Day one of the exam is over.
I woke up at 5:00 this morning (the alarm was set for 6:56) and I could not go back to sleep, despite lying quietly with my eyes closed in the dark for an hour.
Wrote the essay portion of the exam all day today. Going back tomorrow for another 6 hours of testing; this time it will be death by machine gun (aka multiple choice).
You might think I am halfway done, but if you think about it another way I am two thirds done because the essay is 400 of the 600 available points (so therefore I have completed 2/3 of the exam).
In case you were wondering, one needs a grade of 406/600 to pass.
I woke up at 5:00 this morning (the alarm was set for 6:56) and I could not go back to sleep, despite lying quietly with my eyes closed in the dark for an hour.
Wrote the essay portion of the exam all day today. Going back tomorrow for another 6 hours of testing; this time it will be death by machine gun (aka multiple choice).
You might think I am halfway done, but if you think about it another way I am two thirds done because the essay is 400 of the 600 available points (so therefore I have completed 2/3 of the exam).
In case you were wondering, one needs a grade of 406/600 to pass.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Last Push
My beloved captains left this afternoon and won't be back till tomorrow evening to give me One Last Undisturbed Study Push. I studied from 10 am till 8 pm today, with approximately 1 hour and 30 minutes in breaks. I decided to stop because my brain is tired and I do not want to completly exhaust myself today since I have tomorrow to study undisturbed as well.
Blood, sweat, and tears have gone into these preparations (and not just mine): I have suffered paper cuts, ink stains on my fingers, and have sweated over a hot laptop with a hot desk lamp for hours and hours. (As Captain Obvious says, with a big fake-sad face, "Oh, the injuries of lawyers.") On a more serious note, I have cried from frustration and exhaustion. I have written and studied almost a thousand flash cards. I've attended weeks worth of classes, written dozens of practice state-law specific essays, written hours of practice practical tests (MPTs), and answered hundreds of multiple choice questions (MBEs). And of course I've spent hours debriefing them all.
I have asked for a lot and received even more support from so many people in my life. My darling brave boy has had a tough summer, going 10 weeks with little-to-no mama, much to his sorrow (last night at dinner he was resting his head on my lap, telling me he had never wanted me to study so much). My super supportive husband has listened to interminable lectures on law as I learn it and complaints about the demands of the exams. My parents hosted and cared for my child for 2 weeks (though I am pretty sure they were happy to undertake that task) and of course supported me. My dear friends have obliged me with opportunity for periodic much-needed non-study, non-exam-related interaction and have helped me by taking care of my little guy now and then.
Tomorrow is Saturday. I will completely immerse myself in study from the time I get up till my captains come home. My bar prep course recommends that I take Sunday completely off and limit myself to three hours of study on Monday (that will be hard). I sit for the exam on Tuesday and Wednesday. I have been working hard for weeks to prepare for this exam. I have poured time and effort into this. Of course there is always the worry that my performance, despite all my preparations, will not measure up. But I often feel confident, too. My plan is to pass this time! Goodness knows I'm working as hard as I can to achieve that...
Blood, sweat, and tears have gone into these preparations (and not just mine): I have suffered paper cuts, ink stains on my fingers, and have sweated over a hot laptop with a hot desk lamp for hours and hours. (As Captain Obvious says, with a big fake-sad face, "Oh, the injuries of lawyers.") On a more serious note, I have cried from frustration and exhaustion. I have written and studied almost a thousand flash cards. I've attended weeks worth of classes, written dozens of practice state-law specific essays, written hours of practice practical tests (MPTs), and answered hundreds of multiple choice questions (MBEs). And of course I've spent hours debriefing them all.
I have asked for a lot and received even more support from so many people in my life. My darling brave boy has had a tough summer, going 10 weeks with little-to-no mama, much to his sorrow (last night at dinner he was resting his head on my lap, telling me he had never wanted me to study so much). My super supportive husband has listened to interminable lectures on law as I learn it and complaints about the demands of the exams. My parents hosted and cared for my child for 2 weeks (though I am pretty sure they were happy to undertake that task) and of course supported me. My dear friends have obliged me with opportunity for periodic much-needed non-study, non-exam-related interaction and have helped me by taking care of my little guy now and then.
Tomorrow is Saturday. I will completely immerse myself in study from the time I get up till my captains come home. My bar prep course recommends that I take Sunday completely off and limit myself to three hours of study on Monday (that will be hard). I sit for the exam on Tuesday and Wednesday. I have been working hard for weeks to prepare for this exam. I have poured time and effort into this. Of course there is always the worry that my performance, despite all my preparations, will not measure up. But I often feel confident, too. My plan is to pass this time! Goodness knows I'm working as hard as I can to achieve that...
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