Sunday, February 10, 2008

Strong Emotions

If you've been reading my posts, maybe you've noticed that ever since I finished chemo, I have been experiencing strong emotions. I feel fear and sorrow the most, but I also feel angry. Maybe it is because during chemo all I could do was hold myself together with enough determination to make it through chemo. Maybe the fact that I STILL DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS to my questions about my life expectancy is what is getting me down.

Maybe I will write about my fear and sorrow and anger. Maybe I won't. I don't like these emotions and I do not view them as helpful and perhaps they are even counter to my best interests.

4 comments:

Amina said...

Sweetheart, reading your last two posts I can feel your turmoil. It occurs to me that maybe more positive than writing about your anger would be to write about your childhood memories - especially the good ones. That exercise will be much more healing for you and will be a wonderful document for your son to read one day, whether you are still with him or not. Think of all the things you like hearing about from your mom... how you learned to ride a bike or swim or skate, things you specially liked or didn't like... you'll have lots of fun doing that!
huge hugs as ever

Bellejar said...

For an analytical person, I can't answer that question isn't a good answer. It must be incredibly hard that no one can really tell you your life expectancy. They can guess but it won't be concrete. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

MAMEFATI said...

Always thinking of you...

bonnie said...

I am sure that reading about your childhood memories would be wonderful for Captain Adorable some day, but I also am sure he would respect and understand the pain you are going though right now and would not expect you to ignore these strong feelings. Your gift to him of your self through your thoughts and honest emotion need not be denied. Anger is scary and not knowing the future is scary. Your awareness of all of this is understandably far more heightened than for anyone not going through this immediately. Take another deep breath, and take care.....