Long Hair, Short Hair

I took the first two photos at the zoo the other day, then the last one this afternoon. Short hair.

Why on earth did I think it would be a good idea to cut that beautiful hair? I'm an idiot. Also in the last photo you can see he has a cold--his face is raw from having his nose wiped so much. Poor sweet little Captain Adorable.

Busy Week

Everyday this week I've had an appointment to keep. Yes, these are appointments that are fun for me and my little one, but I think from now on I will try to keep at least one day per week for just staying home and getting things done. I feel really run down and tired and for the past two days have been really late to play dates. I hate being late, and especially to play dates because then it is also children whom I am letting down (including my own). Yet I've been dragging.

Tomorrow is the very busiest day of our week. We've got music class (Music Together), then rush to a restaurant to meet up with a local AP moms group I would like to join, then home in time to meet my sweet MIL, her mother, and Captain Obvious. Then off to a day spa with sweet MIL to accompany while we get manis and pedis (not complaining!). Then home to pick up the house in time for the cleaning lady, then sit down for a bit while the cleaning lady does the kitchen, then start dinner...then eat it, clean up, and go to bed.

Sheesh I'm tired now thinking about it.

Friday we've got a playdate in the morning...goodness gracious when am I going to do grocery shopping? Sigh.

What am I doing still up? I need to go to bed.

His Beautiful Hair

Well, today we reached the day when Captain Adorable no longer wants to have his hair washed or brushed and it was getting in his eyes terribly. So, although I looooooove his beautiful hair long, I asked again if he wanted to have it cut. This time he said yes, and Captain Obvious whisked him off to a local place that caters to kids (he sat in an airplane and watched a movie during the hair cut) while I went to a yoga class. When I got home I was greeted by a boy with much shorter, much redder hair. All the blond got cut off. He looks so much different! He's already been asking when his hair will be long again. :( I think he looks older but Capt. Obvious said he thinks Capt. Adorable looks younger. As long as it stays out of his eyes and we're allowed to clean and groom him now and then, I'm happy.

But oh that beautiful hair.

Flat Bike Tire

Now that the weather is nice (read: beautiful!), Captain Adorable and I go for a bike ride together pretty much everyday. We ride over a mile a day! Now, this is me (missing most of my right lung) and a three year old who enjoys stopping often, pedaling on flat sidewalk, so not challenging by any means. Plus I have the fabulous comfort bike Captain Obvious bought me last summer, which allows me to sit upright instead of leaning forward like one has to on a mountain or road bike. It also has excellent brakes, which is good when riding behind a little one who has no concept of different braking speeds.

I enjoy our bike rides because the weather is beautiful and we both like riding our bikes, and who wouldn't love listening to her son yelling, "Yippeee, Yay, ZOOM!" while gliding down a hill? It is fabulous to see his confidence and enjoyment of his bike. I'd recommend a balance/running bike to anyone with a toddler. Captain Adorable got his Strider when he was 18 months old, so now, at age 3, he's had it for more than half his life! I'd really like to buy him a brake, though... Captain Obvious has been saying that we ought to get him a pedal bike and I keep asking, "why?" Yes, I think he could handle one, but he loves his running bike so much, why replace it yet? He is still well within the weight and height limits.

Anyhow, back to what this post was supposed to be about. 3 days ago, when we returned from the first bike ride of the day, Capt. Adorable leaned his bike up against mine, as usual, but this time it fell and his handle hit the valve stem of my front tire. There was a loud sound as the air rushed out, but I did not understand at the time what it was. When we left for the second bike ride of the day, I discovered that my tire was flat. I got the pump and after a bunch of frustration, finally figured out how to get the air into the tire. Because of my painful shoulder/back, I could not pump it up completely, but got it well enough for another ride.

The next day, however, I discovered that the tire was once again low. I tried to pump it up again but was unable to make any headway. I called Capt. Obvious, but he was at work, which means never answers his phone. Captain Adorable was quite upset at the idea that I would not go on the promised bike ride, so I finally agreed to ride Daddy's bike, despite the fact that I knew it would hurt my arm (it is a mountain bike). Sure enough it did hurt my arm and after only 2-3 blocks I put my foot down and insisted we go home. I purposefully left my bike on the floor in the garage so I'd remember to talk to Capt. Obvious about it when he got home.

Sure enough, when he came home he remarked about the bike and we had a look at it together. He also found it very difficult to get the pump on the valve stem (but he used a wrench to try to hold it into place, something I had not tried). He was still unable to pump it up because, as it turned out, there was a hole in the inner tube right next to the valve stem. I thought I'd have to go inside and google the closest bike shop, but fortunately my darling husband had one in the garage already. It fit perfectly and had a better (more stable) valve stem. He took the old one out, put the new one in, pumped it up and just like that I was ready to go!

He's so great. In one fell swoop he made his wife and his son happy.

And now Capt. Adorable and I can go for bike rides again.

Pain In Arm/Shoulder/Back

I emailed the research nurse who works with Dr. Surgeon to complain of pain in my arm/shoulder/back and ask for help. She responded by asking that I come in to clinic this morning to let the team have a look at me. Very short notice and Capt. Obvious could not come with me, so what to do with the little one? Despite the offer to drop Capt. Adorable off at Cheerful's house, I decided to take him with me. Why, you might ask? Well, mostly because I'm lazy. I didn't want to get up the extra hour early in order to drop him off in the morning. And of course the extra drive time on the way home. So, I took him with me. This time he was eager to go to the playroom (where it is allowed to leave one's child) and he stayed! Happily! In fact, he was not so interested in me when I came back after my x-ray to check on him and was definitely not ready to go when I came back to pick him up before they closed for lunch at noon. This will make it easier to go to NCI with him in the future. Puts my mind at ease quite a bit!

Anyhow, I talked with Dr. Surgeon, had an x-ray, and then talked with the pain and palliative team. They all said that I am healing well, and that the pain I am feeling is a combination of nerve and muscle pain. My muscles and nerves have all been cut recently (for a second time) so what I am getting is a combination of muscle pain and nerve pain. We will treat this with a combination of drugs and exercises.

Hair

My hair is long enough to put in a pony tail, to get in my way when I am lying down, and to get in my face and drive me crazy enough to try to put it in a pony tail. (You see my nice little circle there?)

What Am I Going To Do?

If it is really true, which is rather a big if, if it is really true that I can think about the future as open and living instead of closed in with illness and death....

then What Am I Going To Do with it?

This is an enormous gift. What shall I do with it?

I have thought a lot about how I relate to the world, as an individual and as a patient. As a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as a friend, as a relative. Am I generous enough? Am I kind enough? Do I listen well enough? Do I give enough support? Do I love others enough? At the same time, do I protect myself enough? Do I advocate for myself enough? Can I follow the "low fat diet" Utah Phillips laid out: "no more fat heads"? Am I too easy on myself? Am I too hard on myself? Do I give those who love and help me enough acknowledgment?

My (natural) father died (Capt. Adorable's Opa is my adoptive father) right after I turned 17; I went a little crazy and I spoke the truth about my own feelings and the feelings I witnessed between others loudly and clearly. (My mother described me as brutally honest.) I think I made a lot of people very uncomfortable. I was too raw. Time and experience taught me to cover up those truths, that omission was not lying (as is in a court of law). I gave people more leeway but less room in my heart. Before this cancer experience I was quite removed and had little trust. (Yes, I am oversimplifying.) Now? Well, I don't want to give the world the world if you know what I am saying. But I do want to be more authentic with myself and with others. Perhaps some of my 23 year old self mixed with my 36 year old self...

And how can I use my knowledge and experience to support the choices I embrace for myself and my family in others? Any demand out there for an AP lawyer? As a doctor I could create a practice based on the needs of AP families. Can I create I law practice to serve those needs as well? Credit goes to NonFiction for the idea and I find it quite inspiring.

(Edited to add I hope that the above post lets you, the blog readers see a side of me that I do not show here all that often. The deep thinking, contemplative side. The constant questioning, comparing, analyzing, trying to figure it out side. There is much much more of me than I share in this blog for the most part.)

Alone Again

My darling mommy left this morning to go back home. We are now without Ama (which is what Capt. Adorable calls her) again. And Daddy went back to work this morning, so it was me and Captain Adorable alone again together. We had a nice day after everyone left. First, some painting, then a walk, then a trip to the library (and holy crap a $20.50 fine!), then home for lunch, then some tv (Bob the Builder). I fell asleep during the first Bob the Builder, so decided to give in to my exhaustion and just take a little nap. You know this is quite unusual of me to use the tv as a baby sitter, but I was in the same room as the tv and I was oh so tired...anyhow, Capt. Adorable did not really let me sleep--he climbed on me every 20 mins or so. However, it was not the luxurious nap I longed for, but still a nice rest. After that I was on the phone for a while sorting some stuff out, then we read books till Daddy got home.

Daddy is going on a business trip to Pasadena soon. He will only be gone a few days and we've got fun stuff planned while he is gone, but it is never the same without him.