If it is really true, which is rather a big if, if it is really true that I can think about the future as open and living instead of closed in with illness and death....
then What Am I Going To Do with it?
This is an enormous gift. What shall I do with it?
I have thought a lot about how I relate to the world, as an individual and as a patient. As a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as a friend, as a relative. Am I generous enough? Am I kind enough? Do I listen well enough? Do I give enough support? Do I love others enough? At the same time, do I protect myself enough? Do I advocate for myself enough? Can I follow the "low fat diet" Utah Phillips laid out: "no more fat heads"? Am I too easy on myself? Am I too hard on myself? Do I give those who love and help me enough acknowledgment?
My (natural) father died (Capt. Adorable's Opa is my adoptive father) right after I turned 17; I went a little crazy and I spoke the truth about my own feelings and the feelings I witnessed between others loudly and clearly. (My mother described me as brutally honest.) I think I made a lot of people very uncomfortable. I was too raw. Time and experience taught me to cover up those truths, that omission was not lying (as is in a court of law). I gave people more leeway but less room in my heart. Before this cancer experience I was quite removed and had little trust. (Yes, I am oversimplifying.) Now? Well, I don't want to give the world the world if you know what I am saying. But I do want to be more authentic with myself and with others. Perhaps some of my 23 year old self mixed with my 36 year old self...
And how can I use my knowledge and experience to support the choices I embrace for myself and my family in others? Any demand out there for an AP lawyer? As a doctor I could create a practice based on the needs of AP families. Can I create I law practice to serve those needs as well? Credit goes to NonFiction for the idea and I find it quite inspiring.
(Edited to add I hope that the above post lets you, the blog readers see a side of me that I do not show here all that often. The deep thinking, contemplative side. The constant questioning, comparing, analyzing, trying to figure it out side. There is much much more of me than I share in this blog for the most part.)