Babies Babies Everywhere

It took a long time and to conceive our son. It was a year, actually. To make a long story short, we did all the stuff you are supposed to do and ended up seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist and doing all sorts of tests. That guy told us we had a 5% chance of conceiveing spontaneously (i.e. naturally) and we were preparing to start fertility drugs when (drum roll) we discovered I was pregnant. Oh we were so happy! I cannot tell you the joy of a much-longed for pregnancy! :)

But you know, while I was waiting for the proper time to try to get pregnant and then trying to get pregnant, I felt only joy when I heard the news that a friend was pregnant. I had a friend in law school who was unable to have children and she thought I was really weird for looking forward with anticipation at attending Ms. Breadwinner's baby shower. I tried to explain to the law school friend that I was so happy for my friend and that I was happy to be included in celebrating her pregnancy and that I looked forward to seeing my friend in a new role--as mother--and to watch her child grow. My law school friend said that she hated baby showers and did not like talking with pregnant women because it made her unhappy. I could not agree but could see her perspective.

And now? Oh my I would love to have another child. I can't describe how deeply I love my son and how that love makes me want another baby with my husband. However, as readers of this blog know, times have changed for me. Looks like my baby hopes will never come to fruition. I cannot even really allow myself to think about it much since it is a source of hard hard pain for me. I now feel sadness and even anger when I hear about someone else's pregnancy. Not for first children--just for the second and third babies. I also feel ashamed about these emotions, which makes it all worse.

Why? Probably because cancer has robbed me of this, too. Maybe because I hoped so much and had my hopes dashed. I've been having to confront this a few times lately because it seems that everyone is having another baby!

Ah, it is all so complicated. I could write pages and pages about this and still not feel I've really explained myself to myself and/or anyone else. But writing about it, even a little bit, helps.