My next CT scan is December 8. I am worried, but I am always worried about these things. I have been thinking about and planning for the future. At the same time I have this Big Worry Of Illness And Death with me, just beyond the edge of my peripheral vision...yet, this in-my-face mortality allows me to appreciate and enjoy this moment, right now (each moment), more than I would were it not there.
Over and over again, even when quite sad and scared, I recognize the beauty before me and within me. I use that recognition to comfort myself. Right now, outside my window I see the colors of of the light sky, dark holly leaves, yellow oak leaves, red maple leaves, green-yellow sassafras leaves. Right now, inside my head and my stomach, fear and sadness are on the brink of spreading. Must I deny either of these truths? Or can I hold both ideas at once? Can I feel the pleasure and pain of life together? Can I savor the flavor of duality?
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