Surrounded By Family Love

My parents are both still here, though my Dad has to leave today, boohoo. It is so nice to have them here. I feel so supported and surrounded by love when they are both here. Of course my Mom is wonderful just by herself, but I know it is nicer for her to have my Dad with her, so his presence is even more appreciated. And it is wonderful for Capt. Adorable to get to interact with his grandpa as well.

Speaking of Captain Adorable, last night it became obvious that he was teething and indeed, this morning we discovered that he has two more teeth bursting through his top gums. He now has 12 teeth! Of course, just like on the bottom, he has skipped the canines and has gone straight to pre-molars. We are going to have to buy some more Hylands...

My Dad has to leave today because he has to get home to take care of their house and their animals. They have 2 dogs and 2 cats and some kind friends have been taking good care of everything, but it is time for things to go back to normal. I do not know if I have mentioned that my parents live about 500 miles from my house. My mom is staying a few more days because I am still not quite up to being strong enough to be alone with the baby while Captain Obvious is at work all day. She will be back in time for the next treatment, of course...

Difficult Evening and Day

Last night I felt very sad and I cried some. I cried because we had some frozen pesto and I remembered harvesting the basil and making the pesto (sans cheese) for freezing. I had the baby in the mei tai and we went on the deck together while I picked and picked and picked those basil plants till I got all the leaves I could reasonably get off of them.

...

I am having a hard time writing this because I am so sick. I just threw up my entire dinner, which was bad because I had not eaten much and was really hungry for dinner. I had to eat a bit more just because I do not want to get the weak hunger that I sometimes get lately and also means I will throw up easily. I canceled my acupuncture appointment today because I threw up this afternoon.

...

Anyway, I was remembering how strong and happy I felt this summer, out on the deck, harvesting basil for cold winter evenings and I felt sad to be here in the cold winter, so depleted and vulnerable and feeling so unsure about everything. When Capt. Adorable was asleep, Capt. Obvious and I went and lay down in the little bed where I sleep and wept together. We cried because we don't know the future, because we have hope, because we have good memories, because we are very lucky but it sucks to be us right now, and because we both feel bad. I don't want to die and leave my baby. Capt. Obvious does not want me to die and be without his wife and Capt. Adorable's mother. I am not ready to die. But who knows how much choice I have? Perhaps the cancer is already taking hold somewhere inside my body? Or perhaps we are killing it all and I just have a scan every 3 months for the next two years to get through (and then every 4 months for the next year after that). This cancer and cancer treatment is not going to be out of my life for a good long while. I will not be able to forget about this for a long time to come.

And if I do have cancer, how much more of me can be whittled down? I am pretty young and healthy--I can probably stand a bunch more surgeries and a bunch more chemotherapy. How long can I go without having treatment? When do I get to start having fun again? Even though going to Ocean City was fun, the BIG CLOUD of chemo is never far away and never out of my thoughts.

Ah well, all this sorrow and worry is not very productive. Does not help to settle my stomach or help my mind not to go into panic when I think about the hospital. I can't even write thank-you notes recently because they are in the bag I always take to chemo and I can't stand that bag anymore. My Mom suggested maybe I should burn it when I am done with chemo. I am going to have to burn my purse, too, because the sight of each of them makes me queasy.

Just Tired

Have not posted because there is nothing to really say. I am tired. Very tired. I think it is true for me that each round of chemo has gotten tougher to deal with and this one is the toughest so far for sure. I am tired of feeling sick. I am really looking forward to this being over.

Both Captain Obvious and my Mom wanted me to get out of the house (and probably out of my pajamas) and so I went to see a movie with my husband this afternoon. Of course I thought about Captain Adorable the whole time. Once we were home, I ate dinner, played with the babe, and then got into clean pajamas and once he was done with his bath, put him to bed (sang him to sleep). I love feeling his little warm body relax and hearing his breath slow down and relax into that sleeping breathing pattern. So peaceful; so beautiful.

I am still too sick and too worried about getting up a lot to sleep in the family bed tonight. I probably could, but I do not want to risk waking the babe, who has been sleeping so well lately. So tonight I will sleep once more on the futon in the sewing room. A good bed for when I need it.

Third Round of Chemo Yesterday

My Dad took me to chemo on Friday and he was pretty good company. Chemo itself was horrible as always, but the aftermath at home was even worse. I threw up like 6-7 times and I had diarrhea. I finally had to take a suppository to stop the continual vomiting. Well, at least then the vomiting stopped and I did sleep like a rock all night. I still feel a bit nauseated today, but so far no vomiting. I have slept a bunch.

Captain Adorable did not sleep well yesterday (while I was at the hospital). He had less than 45 minutes for each nap (usually they are 1+ hour and 2 hours, in morning and afternoon, respectively). Fortunately, his night's sleep was good, and this morning, after quite a big deal of fussing, he got a 2 hour nap in the Ergo with Oma. I am so thankful that she gave that to him! When he is in the Ergo, she walks with him while he sleeps, so she read and took a 2 hour walk in the living room while he slept.

Sorry for not updating sooner, but we were busy vacationing (read: hanging out with my parents and relaxing) for me to spare a few minutes to write all about how fun I was having.

Captain Obvious's youngest brother is here for a visit during his winter break from school. He is a nice kid and I enjoy having him around. I just wish I did not feel so dang bad so I could interact with him and enjoy his visit more.

I just read that Jessica Quinn, the woman whom I talked about a few entries ago, has died. http://www.caringbridge.org/cb/viewJournal.do?method=executeInit I send my love to her family.

My Body Is Holding Up Well

I went to the oncologist on Monday and according to my blood tests, my body is holding up very very well under the stress of chemotherapy. The only number that is off is a number indicating that my liver is taking longer than normal to filter things out of my blood. The doctor says this is nothing to worry about, but is one of the reasons that I never drink alcohol these days. Of course, because we are now on vacation, I did ask permission to drink a (small) glass of champagne and she said that as long as it was small, that was ok. :)

So here we are in this fabulous hotel room with a lovely jacuzzi tub and I am planning to sit in it with my husband and have a glass of champagne! How much better can you get?

I had a nice day with Captain Adorable today. Captain Obvious forgot Something Very Important at home and actually had to drive back and get it (5 hours of driving), so I was alone with the babe for most of the day. I had a great time watching him walk around everywhere. It is so cool to watch him explore the hotel room and point out all the cords (sigh) that I would never notice. We did bring a child-safety device to keep the cabinet doors in the kitchenette closed, and we put the trash cans under there, so that is helpful. He was almost completely uninterested in his toys today--all he wanted was to check everything out! And, like I said, for me it was endlessly wonderful to watch his exploration and discovery. I also sat out in the hallway with him (the hotel is rather empty) because out there he can walk and walk forever and not get distracted by toys or cords or other things Mama won't allow him to touch. We had a few rounds of the "Do I have to come and get you?" game, which was great fun for us both.

He is so good at walking now, the only times he ends up on all fours are when 1) he does it on purpose or 2) he walks too fast and falls over. I assume this phase will pass all too soon and before I know it, he will be running.

My parents are here in the hotel, too. They have the room next to ours. It is so nice to have both of them here with us--makes the holiday even more fun. They arrived at about 1:45 and by 2:15 they and Captain Adorable and I were in the indoor pool. Captain Adorable liked it at first but then seemed to change his mind and got upset (to the point of tears) and I had to get out with him. We sat on a chaise on the side for a while and then we got back in. He seemed to like it more the second time. However, it was close to nap time, so we soon got out and went upstairs. He slept well (for both the morning and the afternoon nap) and had a nice afternoon/early evening hanging out with his grandparents while his parents went out to dinner together. He's asleep now. Another beautiful day with my beautiful boy!

Making Truffles

Tonight Captain Obvious and I are making truffles. If you've never made them before, you melt chocolate and mix it with cream and some sort of flavoring. Then you chill and shape into balls, then cover with chocolate and various toppings, like cocoa powder, or pistachios or almonds. Right now we are at the part where the truffles are in the refrigerator chilling, but soon we will be ready to gently heat the chocolate for the outer coating. Captain Obvious made peanut butter ones and I made chocolate ones with a little brandy. This is the first time we've tried making chocolate candies (or candies of any kind) so we will see how they come out.

Tomorrow I am going to meet a friend of mine for coffee in the morning. The time we've agreed to meet is kind of close to Captain Adorable's nap time but hopefully it will work out. I am also going to try to buy a bathing suit. Why, you might ask...well, we are going to Ocean City for a few days starting on Monday and the hotel where we are staying has an indoor pool. I think I am going to want to get in it with Captain Adorable, so I need to have a bathing suit. I am really looking forward to our trip. We are going to stay in the same hotel where we stayed when we went up there for Punkin Chunkin, so I know I like the place. This time will be even nicer because my parents are coming too. (They are getting their own room.) I think they will love being able to hear and see the ocean from their bed, plus I think it will be nice to hang out with them and do a little winter holiday gift exchange. :) No big gifts, just the candles and the happiness of being together.

Monday is also the day I am going to see my oncologist again. I am going to ask her about some of the non-traditional remedies I've heard so much about. I really hope she will let me take some other stuff because I need something to help me with the exhaustion and sickness, especially if my reaction is just going to get worse as the treatments continue.

Independant Play

Captain Adorable is very good at playing independently. He kind of amazes me with how focussed on a toy/object he can be. Right now he is playing with his jumper/exersaucer thing (not really either of those but I do not know what else to call it). We almost never put him inside but he plays with it a lot from around the outside. He pushes the buttons to make it play music, he chews on the gum-able sun, and he manipulates the little movable toys. The thing is big and plasticy but I really like it since he likes it so much. I just wish the toys faced out instead of in so he could see the face on the sun instead of the blank side.

I had an accupuncture session yesterday. I was feeling really good today, except now all of a sudden I feel totally nauseated. I will take an anti-nausea pill and hope to prevent anything unpleasant. I am going to have 2 more sessions, each the day before chemo. Nice how it worked out that way and I can go into chemo feeling a little stronger rather than weak and vulnerable. The accupuncturist worked on my back mostly and my left hand a little. She did needles in my back and then burned some moxa on four points on my back. She burned moxa on my hand and then put needles in those points. The needle in the back of my hand hurt--I guess she hit a nerve? Anyhow, I told her and she removed it right away. She tried to put it in a second time and it hurt even more, so that was the end of that attempt.

Thank you for the supportive comments, especially on posts where I am not all positive and chipper. It makes me feel so good to read kind words in response to my ramblings.