Difficult Evening and Day

Last night I felt very sad and I cried some. I cried because we had some frozen pesto and I remembered harvesting the basil and making the pesto (sans cheese) for freezing. I had the baby in the mei tai and we went on the deck together while I picked and picked and picked those basil plants till I got all the leaves I could reasonably get off of them.

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I am having a hard time writing this because I am so sick. I just threw up my entire dinner, which was bad because I had not eaten much and was really hungry for dinner. I had to eat a bit more just because I do not want to get the weak hunger that I sometimes get lately and also means I will throw up easily. I canceled my acupuncture appointment today because I threw up this afternoon.

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Anyway, I was remembering how strong and happy I felt this summer, out on the deck, harvesting basil for cold winter evenings and I felt sad to be here in the cold winter, so depleted and vulnerable and feeling so unsure about everything. When Capt. Adorable was asleep, Capt. Obvious and I went and lay down in the little bed where I sleep and wept together. We cried because we don't know the future, because we have hope, because we have good memories, because we are very lucky but it sucks to be us right now, and because we both feel bad. I don't want to die and leave my baby. Capt. Obvious does not want me to die and be without his wife and Capt. Adorable's mother. I am not ready to die. But who knows how much choice I have? Perhaps the cancer is already taking hold somewhere inside my body? Or perhaps we are killing it all and I just have a scan every 3 months for the next two years to get through (and then every 4 months for the next year after that). This cancer and cancer treatment is not going to be out of my life for a good long while. I will not be able to forget about this for a long time to come.

And if I do have cancer, how much more of me can be whittled down? I am pretty young and healthy--I can probably stand a bunch more surgeries and a bunch more chemotherapy. How long can I go without having treatment? When do I get to start having fun again? Even though going to Ocean City was fun, the BIG CLOUD of chemo is never far away and never out of my thoughts.

Ah well, all this sorrow and worry is not very productive. Does not help to settle my stomach or help my mind not to go into panic when I think about the hospital. I can't even write thank-you notes recently because they are in the bag I always take to chemo and I can't stand that bag anymore. My Mom suggested maybe I should burn it when I am done with chemo. I am going to have to burn my purse, too, because the sight of each of them makes me queasy.