Monday, December 10, 2007

Starting to Feel Better

Today I only napped while the baby napped. I was not sick in any way today (except tiredness). We went to the post office (which took way way way longer than I thought because they only had one person there to wait on the entire post office) and dropped off the holiday cards. So, about 42 of you out there should receive a card with a beautiful photo of Captain Adorable very soon! I know, big surprise that Captain Obvious and I should choose to send a photo of our son...(smile) well, can you blame us?

I called an accupuncturist today; the same woman I went to about a year ago to help with making my body ready to give birth (and that seemed to go very well). She asked me what the prognosis was on the phone and it was weird to say "I don't know." I told her that I hope to live long enough to be a grandmother and she said she wanted to be part of that team. I just haven't thought about life expectancy for a while. I've been thinking about the chemotherapy experience so much I haven't picked up my head to look at the bigger picture for quite a while.

Hopefully I will live a long time. I feel hopeful. Why? I don't know. I don't have a lot of reason to be hopeful. I don't have a lot of reason not to be hopeful. I just have to wait and see if the cancer reoccurs in the next two years. If it doesn't, there is less chance that it will reoccur. But it probably will reoccur and it will probably kill me. I will probably die of cancer. Who knows how much more surgery and how many more IVs and pain and medical interventions are in my future? Ugh. My personal hell. Its not like I can even refuse and just let the disease take its course because I have Captain Adorable. I have to fight for every last second of life that I can give him.

And what about my hope to have another child? And to have a natural birth at home? Maybe I will get that wish... maybe I won't. Maybe I will get to nurse another baby (this time as long as we are both want). Maybe not. It is ok, Captain Adorable is enough, but I do want to be a mother again. I just don't want to leave a motherless boy and a wifeless husband.

2 comments:

Lance Noe said...

keep your chin up! your doing great! I LOVE YOU MOMMIE DEAREST!

Gina said...

Hope is a good thing.