Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Thinking About Mortality

So, the day alone with Captain Adorable was lovely. I have no idea what I was nervous about. We were fine, hanging out together as per normal again. He was a little clingy, especially in the evening, which makes me think he missed his Oma (what we call my Mom). He had a great time in the bath and went to sleep easily and quickly.

Anyhow, the reason I wanted to post is because I have been thinking about mortality again lately. I visit an online community called motheringdotcommune a lot. I go there for advice on everything from toys for a one-year-old to teething pain solutions to breast feeding tips to the latest crazy thing someone's relative said. When I was diagnosed with cancer and found out I would have to have chemotherapy, I went there to ask about nursing and chemotherapy. A sweet, friendly woman responded to me and told me that one cannot nurse with chemotherapy and told me how she had to wean her first-born son when she discovered she had breast cancer. I got other advice from other sources, but her advice suck with me and I still remember some of the things she wrote. It is because of her advice that I started offering Captain Adorable a pacifier to help him nap without nursing. (He still uses the pacifier for naps...) So the point is, her cancer came back in a big way. And it looks like she's going to die. Really soon. Here's her story. Makes me think about my own chances for reoccurance and my own mortality.

I know, I know, be hopeful. Well, I am. But I also have sad thoughts (sometimes I am angry, too) and I think it is important to confront that kind of thought as well as embracing hopeful thoughts. I talked to a friend today who wanted to know how chemo was going, as in was it improving anything. Well, the answer there is difficult because of course in my case I have no lesions or nodules that are visible on the PET/CT scan or the MRI that I did in October. Its just supposed to be killing cancer cells which may (or may not) be in my blood. So we will not know if this chemo is helpful for about 2 years (if then). The oncologist at M.D. Anderson told me that the cancer has the best chance to reoccur in the first 2 years. So if it does not reoccur then I guess chemo was successful but if it does reoccur then it was not necessarily not successful since my cancer has such a high incidence of reoccurance. I think that I will be having scans every 3 months for the first 2 years after chemo but I am not sure. My oncologist has not told me that, but then she has not really discussed anything about what will happen after chemo with me.

And now that I heard the news about the sweet woman who gave me weaning advice, I've started to think about my own chances of death. I don't have anything philosophical or beautiful or even pathetic to say, about death, just that I've been thinking about it.


Ursula said...

Stay strong Sugar...Will keep you in our prayers during Mighty's candle lighting as well.

Ursula aka AEZMama

amina said...

Hmm, reading today's blog... I want to say things and then think I am talking male cow's excreta since I have never been in anything comparable to your situation. I have a friend who is a Buddhist, living in Dharamsala. A follower of HH the Dalai Lama. They seem to spend a huge amount of time learning to die right. That always seemed a bit strange to me - but maybe not. I can only hope I could learn to accept the situation. I read some of the story of your digital pen-friend Jes. Oh dear, life certainly can be cruel.
I didn't mean for this to be depressing either - but somehow felt more like talking about acceptance this time than positive thinking (which is usually my path). I suppose a bit of both is about right.
Wishing you all strength and love in your journey. I do admire your strength and your ability to take huge pleasure in small things.
warm love

Gina said...

I don't even know how to comment. Just remember all of your feelings are valid.

Mame Fati said...

sending you lots of good healing energy and thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, nor do you know me. I am not even sure how I stumbled upon your blog really. I am a fellow AP momma to a 3yr old girl, but can closely relate to you even though I myself do not have cancer. My sister did. She was a new mom [ my nephew was 3 months old when she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer at 24 years old and she had to abruptly wean]. Point being... go with your gut, if something feels odd, or "just not right" please do me the favor as well as my now deceased sister, and do not take "no" for ANY answer. Demand 2nd and 3rd, and 4th opinions on everything. I only hope you have complete faith in your oncologist, and he/she does what is 100% right for you. My sister did not get that option, she was mistreated and "tossed" aside because of lack of medical insurance, and by the time they desided to do something again, it was too late. I do not know if you are religious at all, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you get the opportunity to over come this, and be labeled "A SURVIVOR". Do not give up hope. Fight each and every day for your baby.