Wednesday, February 10, 2010

What I Fear, What I Want

I am NOT afraid of no longer being a patient!!!

1) Being a patient sucks and I would be happy to stop!
2) I am still a patient. I am not going to be saying goodbye to hospitals and doctors for quite a while. In fact, my next appointment with my oncologist is scheduled for May 5. About 3 months from now. Not that long! I will have a CT scan on that day, so I will get to go through the whole pre-med routine (prenisone, blah) and I get to have an IV (oh yay).
3) I am planning to do a couple of clinical trials at NCI in the upcoming months. I've not written about them because I do not have much information to share. They are both immunological trials. Yeah, I'd get a vaccine against cancer. Very proactive.
4) Who knows if the cancer will stay gone. It could be that I have to start chemo again after the results of my CT scan in May.

I AM afraid of:

1) What's next. Get a job? This is a terrible economy. I have plenty of education but not much recent experience. Brush up my resume? What am I even qualified for? How much energy should I even put into this, seeing as I am still really in treatment and there is a good chance that the cancer could come back.
2) Leaving my darling Captain Adorable.

I WANT to:

1) Be with my son and my family as much as possible. I have lots of plans for playing with the alphabet, some science (specifically: botany), music, gymnastics, and hopefully a trip to Tennessee.
2) Rest and heal. I am less than 6 weeks out from major surgery right now. I get winded quite easily. I need time to heal. I am less than 3 months from chemo. I still have side effects from that. (My side effects include: neuropathy, gasterointestinal problems, very dry skin, lack of libido, high stress level which results in exhaustion, insomnia, teeth grinding, and head aches.) I need time to heal from chemo as well.

This journey is far from over. This is not the end of my cancer fight, nor is it the end of this blog. ;)


Emily said...

Leaving your child to go to work is hard, I do it every day. But there are benefits too. I get to use my brain every day for things other than remembering "The Wheels on the Bus" and that challenge is sometimes what keeps me sane. Fears of daycares are rational, but if you find a good one - they can be a wonderful thing for your child and your family. When I ask Isaac if he likes school he gives me an emphatic "YES" and I believe he understands what that means. If you want to talk about transitioning (when you're ready) - I'd be happy to share my experiences with you. It's been tough, but for us, it's well worth the challenges.

alexis224 said...

I know this is nowhere near the magnitude of the questions you're confronting, but to a lesser degree I totally sympathize with the "where do I go from here" questions. I have been a writer/editor for most of my adult life, and I've never really enjoyed it (I love research, I hate the chatty, fun tone that I have to write in). It just worked, and I was on this acceptable trajectory, so I stayed with it. Then I had a baby and it was great to have a job that I could do from home at 3AM, etc. Now that I've got another baby, I've all but abandoned my career and I realize that when I return to the workforce, I really, really don't want to write anymore. I don't like the way it makes me feel (I'm either frustrated that I'm not working, or I'm frustrated that life is getting in the way when I am working). Anyway. Sorry for the long ramble about me, I know your situation is much, much bigger. Maybe one of the positives that you can focus on here is that you have plenty of time to relax and let ideas come to you. You can gently pursue those ideas, and if they become difficult or unpleasant, abandon them and wait for another. Unlike most people in this world, you've got your priorities straight, and you know that your work should serve you and not the other way around. I know the war isn't over, but you've won a MAJOR battle!
P.S. Have you considered teaching?

Anonymous said...

as you and capt O pointed out, you have been fighting cancer, and been patient first for 2.5 years. capt A is only 3, so, he really hasn't had a non-cancer fighting mama since he was 6 months old. as you also pointed out, you don't know what is going to happen at your next CT scans. why not just relax, and enjoy some time with your son, without having to worry about cancer beyond making your appointemts for your scans. let yourself be mama first for a little while. see how you feel and then decide later. there is no rush. you've been out of the workforce for anumber of years. what is 6-9 more months?

Gina said...

You should start a pre-school Waldorf preschool - it seems like that would be a great fit with all your plans. Or you could take the bar and get a day job like all us other schleps!