Tuesday, August 11, 2009

CT Scan Tomorrow

I will post results (and plan going forward) when I am ready.

I've had a wonderful, wonderful summer with my son, my family, and my friends. This wonderful summer makes me more accepting of chemo because I've seen what it can buy me. And speaking as a healthy, happy person, I am willing to go back to the poison for a bit to gain 2 months like those I've just had.

In other news, I just discovered one more thing about cancer that sucks. Now that my son's understanding is greater, his worry is greater as well. Tonight it took an hour to put him to sleep because I talked to him about tomorrow (will not talk about cancer/doctors at bedtime or close to bedtime ever again if I can avoid it, with the caveat that if he asks, I always answer him honestly). He was very sweet and told me that the "cancer not growing" and that he would have a duck scan and Daddy would have a hen scan. Later on in our conversation he amended that to say that I should not have a CT scan but a duck scan also. I did get wet eyes but did not cry in front of him.

He thought he was going to see his Oma (Ama, as he pronounces it) tomorrow, which he was happy about, so was surprised when I told him he was going to see Grandma (my sweet MIL) instead.

I wanted to give him a happy childhood and now I realise that my cancer will affect his childhood more deeply than I can control. I am so sorry my darling boy, light of my life, apple of my eye. I am so sorry.

1 comment:

mamefati said...

Hugs momma, hugs.
No words can match what I feel inside for you and your sweet boy.