Friday, January 18, 2008

I Don't Believe It, But Last Chemo Was Today

Well, I still can't really believe it, but today was supposedly my last dose of chemo. I still feel like they've got their hooks in me and I will have to go back somehow or another. I have an appointment on the 28th for a CT scan and a visit with the oncologist and I am scared of that day. In anticipation of today, I've been throwing up and crying and freaking out since yesterday. I don't want to go to that building ever ever again. But I have 10 days. And I will keep on having to go back for the next few years. I guess what I am trying to say is I have no celebration or sense of happiness about this. I am relieved that I do not have to go back in a week or two, but not more than that right now.

Now I've got to start worrying about whether to take the bar in July (and find childcare so I can study) or if I should try to find a job (and find childcare). I can always take the bar in February (or never, if I so choose) but I am not ready to give up on it yet! It just seems so stressful, such a big thing on my plate again and I am not quite up for it yet...maybe in a few days/weeks my mind will be changed. Right now I feel just weak and I want to sleep and sleep and sleep for a few days. I want to go back to hanging out with my son a normal amount instead of being in bed, napping all the time. I want to see my friends without the fear of getting sick.

In more happy news, Captain Adorable has started doing another new thing. He is now putting his wooden blocks in to the container. He loves to empty the container, but this new putting them into the container is just too cute! He also will hand you blocks that he has. I love to see his changes and I look forward to lots of emptying of containers and putting blocks back in them in the next few weeks.


MamefatiMDC said...

I have not posted as much recently due to a major loss in my life. In the past months I have been holding you and mighty mama so close to my heart and realizing that mighty would be passing soon was so heart breaking. I remember checking in on her sites those last few weeks praying that there would be a turn around and everything would be ok. Well, instead after finding out that she had passed away that morning of dec. 21 I got a phone call from a close family friend saying that my best friend of 10 years had been killed in a car accident. Just like unthinkable. Her children were in the car with her and thankfully they were not physically hurt. It just made me think about how it is really about each moment and how grateful we all are to be here now. I hope me sharing this with you is always I am sending you good, healing thoughts and pray that you will never have to go into that stinkin building anymore either!
Mame Fati MDC

mdc mama-krismarie said...

congrats on your last chemo treatment-- take heart! thinking and praying for you :hug :)

Gina said...

Congratulations on finishing chemo! You have been so tough, hope your CT scan goes well.