Monday, January 28, 2008

Good News?

I think that the results of the CT scan might be good news. (Part of me is still scared, though.) If you read my post from October 20, 2007, you can see the description of the results of the PET CT scan I had before starting chemotherapy. The results of the scan today are being compared to that scan. That scan showed 2 nodules in my lung, which my oncologist said were probably not cancer. Today the scan results say that one of those nodules has gone from being 7 millimeters to being 8 millimeters. My oncologist does not seem concerned by this, since the difference is so small and it is so difficult to get scans that are exactly the same, so the difference could be more due to just being two different scans rather than being a nodule showing growth.

But, it could be, so I am scheduled for another CT scan in 2 months. If that one comes back ok then the next CT scan after that will be 3 months after that. If it does show growth, then I am looking at more lung surgery, more chemotherapy, and maybe some radiation. Scary scary stuff. I hope that the next scan shows no growth, just a harmless nodule.

Goodness gracious, the realities of my life expectancy are coming back to the forefront of my mind. I cried a lot last night and I cried at the hospital today too. The idea of dying is not one I am at peace with right now. If I am going to be alive for 10 years then I want to live my life in a different way than if I only have 5 years left. I would prefer to live for 10 or 20 or 30 years, obviously, but the odds are against me...of course, I am not a statistic. I am a bit of an oddity, being so young and all that, so perhaps those statistics (only 14-15% of people diagnosed with lung cancer are alive 5 years later) do not apply to me, or to put it another way, perhaps I have every expectation of being part of the 14-15% of survivors.

So, if I am only going to live for 5 years or less, I am not sure I want to spend 9 weeks of that time studying for and taking the bar. If that's all the time I have left, then I want to spend every minute with my son.


Bellejar said...

That sounds like a good scan! My thoughts and prayers are with you. Tough decision with the bar, but it seems so meaningless compared to what you are going through now. My answer, defy all the odds and live another 30 or 40 years.

Anonymous said...

This may not be the right answer for you at all, but could you put the bar decision on hold for six months? It sounds like you will have a lot more information then.

My thoughts are with you as well.