Monday, February 16, 2009

Making Bread and Fear (and Tears)

I started another batch of the fabulous No-Knead Bread that I've make a few times now. Store bought bread just can't compete! I order to have fresh bread in time for lunch before we leave for the hospital, I had to get up at 7:30 to fold it and shape it. No problem, since I was awake already.

But it gives me an opportunity to stand in the kitchen with Iris Dement blasting and feel sorry for myself. Chemo is so bad. I am frightened of it and I am frightened for good reason; I've done it before. One consolation is that I am looking at 8 weeks and then perhaps a break, instead of 12 weeks at a go like last time. Captain Obvious has already suggested to me that I take an Ativan to help relax. I am not getting hyper, but I am getting sad, and maybe giving up a little already.

For example, my darling, active, curious son seems like quite a challenge suddenly. Little things become very big: Captain Adorable starts out each nap in his own bed, but inevitably he joins us at some point during the night. I know that this is partly because while we were in Costa Rica he slept every night and every nap with us (really? you expect a 2 yr old to sleep in a Pack-N-Play? He took one look at that thing and I knew it wasn't going to happen...or in a bed by himself in a room seperated from our bed by a flight of stairs? Also not going to happen. We just put him to bed in ou bed.). But I worry about this because I do not want to sleep with him when I am all drugged up for fear that I'd hurt him (less likely now than last time I did chemo, when he was 10 months old, but still) and I do not want to sleep with him when I am all weak because he sleeps right up on me, insisting on having my arm around him at all times except during the deepest sleep. This is tiring for me, and if I am already super tired and taxed, I do not think I will be able to meet that need of his. So, where will he sleep? Where will Captain Obvious sleep? We are going to put a couple of mattresses on the floor for them--a futon mattress for Daddy and the crib mattress for little one--in the loft of our bedroom. I will sleep alone in our bed. This way if either I or our son need my husband during the night, he will be close by. I also hope that we can sleep together more often than not, so hopefully this arrangement can be modified easily enough...

Sigh, there are more things that weigh on me heavily that have not bothered me before but I'll not go on. My tea is ready and soon my sweet men will come downstairs. I have to get breakfast ready for my son.


Anonymous said...

I've been reading you for six months and I check in on you once a week or so. I've commented before, but today I want to say - Keep on keeping on girl. What an amazing heart you have. You might not be ready to go here yet (I agree in taking time out to be sad and scared, and whatever else needs to come out) but please keep it in the way way back of your mind that you will come through this with all the strength and love you've come through everything with so far.

Amina said...

Another good bread-making meditation. My thoughts will be with you as ever. Your little one is such a sweetheart - so good to know he knows he wuvs you.