Tuesday, February 3, 2009


We are leaving tomorrow! Going to Costa Rica! Whooo Hoooo!

I decided to leave Captain Adorable at Ms. Resourceful's house this afternoon for a couple of hours. You see, it was an experiment and I hoped it would accomplish two things: 1) allow me to get my toenails pretty for the vacation and 2) just in case we need to childcare for Captain Adorable at some point in the real future (while I am doing chemo). The experiment was successful in that my toes are beautiful and Captain Adorable did not even cry when I left nor at any point while I was gone. In fact, I think he had fun! :) I was gone longer than I expected, which made my little fun indulgence even more expensive than I had planned, but ah well. I will plan better in the future.

(The pedicure was fun, as I expected, but the cool thing was that I met SteadyHands there and so I got to hang out with her and her Beautiful. Baby. Girl! the whole time. The little one even let me hold her and play with her a bit. :) I had fun! Turns out it was SteadyHands' first pedicure! OMG! She enjoyed it so much she was proposing we do it once a month before the polish even went on, so I think I might have pretty toes all summer long.)

However, the bad side effects made themselves known once we got home. Captain Adorable was very hyper and engaged in quite a lot of aggressive behavior, including grabbing food, throwing toys, and hitting me in the face repeatedly, several times. Super. Then, at bedtime, he asked for mama's arm (and he's been weaned off the arm for weeks now) and still could not fall asleep. Ater a while, he moaned quietly a bit, then asked to "hoz mama." I asked, "You want to hold mama?" He replied, "Yes, hoz mama. Yes." I replied, "But how can you hold mama? I can't get in your bed--I'm too big." But he insisted, "Hoz mama. Yes." So, as I was already sitting on the floor (I sit and read while he falls asleep), I leaned back against his bed and put him on my lap, facing me. He kissed and kissed me, even pushing himself up to kiss my forehead ("fo-hez") and saying "Yuv mama." I wrapped a blankie around him and let him relax his head onto my chest (where he can hear my heart beat) and wrapped my arms around him and held him until he fell asleep. So, I am guessing that the bad behavior plus the ultra-neediness at bedtime adds up to indicate some serious mama-withdrawal.

Captain Obvious points out that with more exposure, Captain Adorable would get used to it (and of course we know he is well cared for by Ms. Resourceful and has un playing with his friends), but that makes me a little sad, to think about my little one getting used to being without his mama...Makes me think twice about this, convenient and wonderful as it seems.

Sigh. Am I being clingy? Am I limiting him? Do I feel this way because I am AP? Or because I have cancer (and all that implies)? Or because I also suffered from some withdrawal? I imagine Captain Adorable will end up in mama's bed sooner rather than later tonight. My sweet little man.

1 comment:

Smeffletop said...

You feel that way because you're a mama...plain and simple...I remember when my first born was a baby...the joy on his face at just looking at me...the smiles, the giggles...I knew then those times would end one day, and I wanted to enjoy them as much as I could, while I could...it's just a natural part of life that they grow...they separate from us a little bit at a time until...one day they're on their own...my baby is 16 now...and it's very different...but the love's still there...and the relationship...although it looks a lot different...

Don't worry, what you're feeling is normal...it's hard to start letting them go...but we must if they are to grow into strong, complete, mature people...but don't worry...he won't ever quit loving mama! :)