I've been asked by several people why I am angry (see the post just prior to this one). I am angry because there is really only one day of the year on which I do not want to be having surgery or be in the hospital and that is Captain Adorable's birthday. January 6.
This year he is turning 3 and we've been talking about his birthday for months. He tells me all the time that he's going to have cakes at his birthday. He asks me several times a week if it is January yet. I am going to miss his birthday. His third birthday. This is the first time he's been cognizant of having a birthday and when his birthday is. his is the first big one. This third birthday I've been really looking forward to. I don't care about holidays or New Years or even my own birthday, but this one, yes I care. I really, REALLY care.
And the fucking idiot nurse fucked it up. And now I'm going to be in the hospital (maybe even the ICU) on my darling son's birthday.
Yeah, yeah, we can have a birthday party for him another time. And we will. Everyone says Captain Adorable won't know. Well, I think he will know. And even if he doesn't, I will know. And it sucks.
And I am a little bit scared of dying. It is a risk of surgery, after all. Especially a surgery like this where they are open up my chest and cutting my lung. A very small risk. But wouldn't it suck if I died on his birthday?
Anyhow, the more I think about this and write about this, the more I get caught up in the anger and dire predictions, so I think I am going to stop now, before these tears of self pity roll down my cheeks.
2 comments:
Rose, I have read your blog and I want to be sure you know that there are molecular diagnostics tests on the market that determine the tissue of origin for unknown primaries. There is one is called the Pathwork Tissue of Origin test. If you or your doctor don't know about it, it may be of value to you.
Oh sweetie, I know this may sound trite and I know it sucks in all kinds of ways but I hope you don't take it the wrong way because I mean it from the bottom of my heart: your health is the best gift you could possibly give him. You could maybe look at it that way. :/
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