Thursday, November 8, 2007

Bad Day: Bad Mood

The baby was pretty good at sleeping without me last night, but did cry several times. He was in a bad mood today and wouldn't eat lunch. He was unhappy all afternoon. I finally decided to give him a bath in the hope thst this would distract him from his unhappiness and help him to sleep. I even put a few drops of my precious sandalwood oil in the water because I thought the scent would add to the relaxation experience. He was very happy watching the bathtub fill up and was pleased to get into the water; I got into the water with him (with a tee-shirt on to make sure he did not get tempted to nurse by seeing/feeling boobies). It was nice to be in the warm water together. I thought he was relaxed enough to fall asleep in bed with me (I badly badly need sleep too) but he only cried as soon as his body touched the mattress.

It was clear that I was going to have to try something else, so I took him downstairs to the glider. I was able to rock/sing him to sleep in the chair but he cried to sleep. Once I was sure he was asleep I transferred us both to the couch and was able to nap with him. The poor darling began to cry as soon as he woke up. I tried to sing to him to calm him down while rocking in the chair again, but my own exhaustion made it very difficult for me. Thank goodness my Mom was here to help me get him out of his sorrow. And that's what it is--you can hear it in his cries. He is sad. I am sad. I hate this so much.

Fortunately, he did eat after the nap. He ate a lot! He took an entire cup of soup! Then he ate some crunchy things (Veggie Booty) which I offered him until he would not take anymore. He refused the squash/carrots I offered, so even though I would have liked him to eat something more nutritious, the Veggie Booty is better than nothing. We also gave him more to eat (wilted spinach leaves, cauliflower, and organic chicken) at dinner time a couple of hours later. I even offered more soup to make sure he got his fill since I know that bedtime is going to be hard and maybe it will be easier for him if his belly is full...I can't stand the thought of all the suffering he is going through because of my cancer. This sucks.

In other news, my haircut is awful. In the salon, I looked through some books and pointed out a cut I liked to the hairdresser. She pointed out one she liked. The cut she gave me is neither of those (?!). I am tempted to just cut it off myself. It looks just bad. I'm a mushroom head. I almost hope my hair does fall out just to get rid of this horrible hair cut. I've been in a bad mood all day because of the hair cut and my poor sad baby.

The babe is upstairs with Captain Obvious right now, crying. As soon as I put him into Captain Obvious' arms tonight he began to cry. He wants me and he wants to nurse. If I pick him up, he stops crying. But of course soon he starts to look for a nipple...I even tried to get him to latch on to my husband but of course that was no even close to successful.


Liz said...

((((hugs)))) My heart is just breaking for you, just breaking right in two. Your son, although he can no longer nurse, will come to see that you still love him, you are still his mama whether you can nurse him or not... he will adjust even though it hurts... and yes, it does suck. It does. Bad haircuts suck too, I've had them, nothing like trying to help yourself feel better during such a hard time, only to be so unhappy about it. Hang in there...

wnb from mdc said...

*hugs* This must be so hard for you. Sending you some REST vibes: you must be exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally. You will get through this!!