Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Starting Chemotherapy

I will be starting chemotherapy on Friday. This means I had four night to night-wean Capt. Adorable, including last night. I will nurse him for the last time on Friday morning. Sad sad sad sad sad...

Last night was not so good. Capt. Adorable cried from about 1:00 to 3:00. You can hear that he is alternatively sad and angry. It makes me feel so bad to deny him. It makes me feel I am betraying him, hurting him in some irrevocable way. I nursed him at 5:00 and I do not think he let go till 7:20, when we woke up. I do not know how tonight will go...Capt. Obvious is attending a special training class this week and it is not good for him to get so little sleep. I might change my approach and not nurse the baby to sleep or in the morning but nurse him at night so we can all sleep. Then, when the night nursing is cut forever, it will be when Capt. Obvious does not have to go to a class the next day.

Chemo class is Friday morning and chemo is Friday afternoon. The oncologist told me to bring someone to take notes in chemo class. There are lots of prescriptions against nausea and other symptoms to juggle. Capt. Obvious would come but I do not want him to have to skip his class. My sweet MIL is not a good note-taker. My Mommy can't do it because she will be taking care of Capt. Adorable. I called a friend to ask her to come with me yesterday but I have not heard back yet...

Oh I feel scared and sad. I hate making my baby cry. I hate sitting up in the night willing myself not to cry because my baby needs me to help him not cry when all I want to do is get in bed and both sleep while he nurses...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Perhaps you can record the class, via hand held tape recorder, so that you can listen to it again and again and perhaps Captain Obvious can transcribe it when he has a chance. Positive vibes and best wishes are being sent your way.

RiverSky, MDC