Good, Good Day

Today has been a good, good day. I feel almost normal, and after feeling so flattened, feeling almost normal feels really really good. My Mom has been saying that I look beautiful and my skin looks nice today too, and goodness knows a few compliments help a person's mood for sure.

Captain Adorable went to bed without any crying again last night and slept all night without waking (until about 6:00). This certainly helps Captain Obvious, who still goes to work as soon as he showers the babe and is ready to leave the house. Still, nicer to go to work at like 7:00 than 6:00, as he did for a few days! Tonight I am going to rejoin the family bed and I am really looking forward to sleeping in my big comfy soft bed with my little cuddly baby and my big cuddly husband! Tomorrow night when I do not feel so well I might have to go back to the futon in the sewing room, so I am going to revel in my luxurious sleep tonight.

It is true that there was some crying upon awakening this morning, but I was up and in the bedroom as soon as I heard Capt. Adorable, so there was more snuggling than crying. Captain Obvious sang a song to calm the babe which calls for him to dip down into his lower register and I love to hear his rich tones caressing those notes. I can tell Capt. Adorable likes it, too, because he does not cry while Capt. Obvious sings like that. I took a shower while the captains showered (which makes for little water pressure but gets everyone clean at once). Capt. Adorable had a good breakfast of baby oatmeal and yogurt.

And THEN...magic of magics...I felt good enough to put on a rain coat and GO FOR A WALK with my Mom. Captain Adorable slept the whole time, of course, but oh gosh how overjoyed I was to be taking a walk on a cool fall rainy morning, pushing my baby in his stroller (all wrapped up in a blanket and under a rain cover of course, so he was dry and warm). We walked slowly so as to string out the time I could walk and the babe could nap, but after an hour and a half we stopped by the house and I went in to get warm and to prepare for a nice visit from a sweet and generous friend.

My friend (whom I hope does not mind that I mention her precious gift of EBM for Captain Adorable) came by to drop off some more EBM and have some tea and hang out for a bit. She also gave me a demonstration of how, in order to wear the baby on the bck, to transfer a baby from hip to back (which I was not able to duplicate because of my weird muscle blind spot from lung surgery, but I was able to take inspiration and come up with my own technique). It was so nice to sit in just a relaxed way with her in the living room, having some nice tea from my favorite teacups. It was also lovely to see Captain Adorable's reaction to her children (she brought over her 2 and a half year old and her little one, who is 8 and a half months or thereabouts). In fact, when they had to leave, Captain Adorable smushed his face into the window when he was watching them get into their van and drive off. I had no idea he would react so much to having other children around. I wish my immune system would allow for more interaction with other children, but I am afraid, especially after this ear infection, of getting other infections. Goodness knows I do not need anymore on my plate.

Speaking of more on my plate...I am speaking as someone who loved nursing my baby and had to stop doing so against her will far too completely and far too early for my instinct and desire. I want very much to try to nurse Captain Adorable again after chemotherapy is over. I mean, maybe it will just be comfort nursing with no nutritive value, but I would like to relactate. I have done some research on this (talked to LLL, read articles in all the right places, et cetera) and everything I've read says that if you can keep some supply, it is easier to get supply back and build it back up. I sure would like my son to have the benefits of an extended nursing relationship and the benefits to his brain and immune system that will come from extended exposure to human breast milk. So, I am now clog-free but I am still pumping about an ounce and a half (combined) at around 5:00 am. I probably could stop doing this without the clogging reoccurring, but then I will loose my supply...or will I? I've heard that women lactate for quite a while even after they stop nursing. Then again if I pump will I risk additional clogs and the secondary infection and discomfort that can come with that? But I want so much to have the hope of nursing again...who knows if he will even be interested so long from now...in a baby's life 12 weeks is a long time. In my life it is a way-too-long break but still not too long to forget the sweetness of the nursing relationship.

Anyhow, all that aside, I am starting to get worried about tomorrow. I hate IVs so much and I will have to have one tomorrow. Then again it will not be too bad because I will have the anti-anxiety medicine to take before hand. And it will only be the Gemcitibine, so it will only be 4 hours or so...let's hope it does not flatten me as badly as the first administration.

Tomorrow I have to remember how good I feel today because today I have felt good and happy and (almost) whole.